author:
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stormatduskrating: adult
warnings: solo sex; crack!fic
disclaimer: this is only fiction.
a/n:
shegollum bunnied me.
Finally, everything was ready.
The door was locked.
The lights were turned down; the candles were lit.
He'd topped up his glass of wine. The bottle of lube was lying nearby, though he already had enough on his right hand to keep a Porshe purring for a year.
All the porn he could ever want.
Totally private.
No more going to the video store. No more waiting for NetFlix. No more worrying over a store clerk talking, or a pap snapping some sort of compromising photo or tracing a call.
And it had been there all along.
He'd managed to figure out the microphone fine. Then it'd been easy to get Elijah to show him how to set up an audio loop. The Hobbit had never even asked why.
He slouched a little more, pushing his hips open.
One simple click on his laptop with his dry hand, and...
Ahhhhhh. Yessssssss.
...fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing...Oh. Oh yeah.
...they have a Cave Troll...He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the sofa, reaching for his already hardening cock. He smoothed a shining layer of lube around the base, then stretched slowly upward.
The low, melodic tones continued their seduction.
...Gimme a pick-lock, Cooper...
...Chosen men, are yeh? Well, I didn't choose yeh...Shite, this was even better than he'd imagined. He pulled faster, twisting hard at the end of each stroke.
...a Teddy Bear does not constitute an inaccurate passenger manifest......Lancelot, we are knights. What other purpose do we serve if not for such a cause?...Why the hell hadn't he done this before?
...strawberry...Shite, this was - - ... he was already close. This was incredible!
...purrrrple...His lungs heaved. Oh god, he knew what was next...
...baby nappies...FUCK! His cock went supernova, dragging his brain with it.
...
...
...
Bleedin' HELL!
Exhausted, he banged his fist on the laptop until the audio file mercifully paused.
Thank Christ. He was going to end up raw at that rate.
Yeah, this little experiment had worked out rather nicely.
...
Maybe he could get Elijah to show him how to burn a CD. This would be a fuckin' aces birthday gift for Viggo.
...
Still boneless, he clicked the remote control and settled in to watch some footie.
Snacks, next time; he'd have some crisps handy.
He grinned.
Yeah.
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