F**cking Tabloids!

[your-own-path.livejournal.com]

Story line: Viggo gets caught by a tabloid in an embarrassing situation. Sean comforts.

Rating: PG-13/R

Pairing: S/V

Inspired partially by the curbside furry belly pics.

Disclaimer: Usual, no money, no harm, no knowledge

Feedback: Love it!



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"Uh, Viggo?"

"Whaa? Christ what time is it?.......Sean?"

"Yeh. Look, you bin campin' out recently?"

"What?? You called me all the way from London at 6 fucking a.m. to ask me if I've been fucking camping? Jeez, Sean, you're killing me!"

"Well actually wanker, I'm calling you from the Isle of Mann and I thought you should know that your crazy arse is all over the papers here. Didn't figure the time would bother you so much considering."

"Say that again? What's in the papers?"

"Shite rags actually but nonetheless, your, erm, round, peachy cheeked arse is on the front page."

"WHATTHEFUCK! You're shittin' me right? Playing a not-so-funny really sick joke on me, right? That prissy elf with you--- listening in, huh?"

"NO, NO! Vig, I'm not jokin' about. Your arse is on the front page. It looks like some bloody paparazzi hoors nailed ya when you were out in the woods somewhere."

"Aw shit! Okay, tell me the situation. And Sean... I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"Go on now, wanker. Alright, so they got pictures of you bare arsed nekkid out in the woods. And well, they got you coming and going as it were."

"....(incredulous silence)..."

"Think of it this way Vig. It's not like millions haven't seen your arse or ballocks before."

"Sean, they're showing my dick in the paper??????"

"Yeh. And well, brace yourself, because in some of 'em you're- eh- well, let's just say you're enjoying the lovin' hand of mother nature."

"Jesus! Sean, no way! You're saying they put a picture in the paper of me, uh, jerking off?"

"Uhhuh."

"Sean? The picture of me, uh, spanking the monkey, does it....shit...is that...are they...full frontal, ah, I mean, you can see my hand on my dick in the picture?"

"(chuckles break out) No, Vig. Oi, sorry 'bout laughin'. Eh, that pic's from the side. It's just that your arm and hand are in rather obvious positions and um, well, you have a kind of happy Viggo face on, if ya know what I mean."

"....(heavy sigh)...."

"Aw, shite, Vig. I hate to break this to you. If it makes ya feel better, you look pretty good for an old geezer."

"....(brief raspy chuff, than another sigh)..."

"Viggo! Don''t. Don't. Listen, this will pass. Yesterday's news and all that. Don't worry 'bout it. I just didn't want you to be ambushed by some bloody reporters. Christ, I shouldn't have called."

"NO, Sean. Sean, really I'm just not sure what to think right now. I'm glad YOU called. Somehow it would be worse if it had been anybody else. And you know what, Fuck 'Em! Just Fuck 'Em! I am so sick of it. These assholes follow you everywhere. No place is sacred to them."

"I know. Believe me, I know. You okay, mate? You want to come visit meh here? Get away from LA for a bit 'til the storm dies out? I've got a nice little cottage here right on the beach. It's too cold to swim but good for walks and sunsets ya know? Got a nice stash of red wine and cigars."

"Aw, Sean. Thanks buddy. You're the best, you know that? Look, you're right. I've got to just plow through this. Act like it's no big deal and it will blow over. Hey, maybe I'll get asked to do a Public Service Announcement on the safe sex benefits of jerking off? Yeah, maybe I could become the official spokesman for wanking. Go on Larry King and all the talk shows to discuss best techniques and proper hand positions."

"(shouts of laughter) Oi, yeh. I can see it now! Hey, maybe you can do another photo book and instructional CD to make sure everybody learns the Mortensen Method."

"Yeah, and I can do a new action figure for New Line. Aragorn with the pump action fist."

"(howls) Can Boromir have one too? I want one like that too!"

"Nope, nope. Only the King comes equipped. Boromir will have to ask for an assist."

"(choke) Eh, oh really? The King's gonna lend a hand to old Boromir huh? Shouldn't the steward be assisting the King, not ta other way 'round?"

"(giggle) Well, I could see why Boromir might think that he should be, uh, the one with the special, uh, powers. Uh, well, I guess we ,umm, ran that one into the ground. Umm, so thanks for the offer.... I, I mean to visit."

"(serious again) Eh, yeh. To visit. Are you sure 'bout that? The parasites are bloody awful here but they'll move onto the next thing quick enough."

"Yeah, Sean, man it's sweet you're offering but really I got myself into this mess and I'm a big boy - well guess everyone knows that now - and I'll be fine. Really. I'm OK. Hey, do ya think it's worth trying to block the photos from being printed here? Maybe if I went after the photographer, I could force them to pull 'em from printing. I know if I saw the pics I could figure out where I was when they took them."

"(silence then a chuff of laughter) Uh Vig? You implying that you've wanked off outside in more than one place?"

"(silence then muffled laughter)"

"Jaysus, you are a bloody perv! I always knew it. You're lucky it hasn't happened before this, you crazy nutter! Dontcha know that's what showers are for, mate?"

"(more giggles) I like outside better. Kind of like paying tribute to the earth, Gaia, ya know."

"Oi! Don't be goin' all new age on meh here. Admit it. You're just pretending to be the Ranger again out in the woods. Off on his solitary journey with only his hand as a companion."

"Well, you know I don't like to totally leave my characters behind."

"Bloody wanker! So, you're okay? The offer stands, my friend. Anytime, any place, any where. No reasons needed."

"Sean...You're the best. Thanks my friend. I love you."

"Christ Viggo! Men don't say that, ya know."

"(smootching sounds) Do so. Love you, Bean!"

"All right. I'm hanging up now. Call me later. And Viggo?"

"Yeah?"

"Keep your pants zipped outside! And the zipper all the way up, man!"

"Asshole!"

"Wanker!"

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Voicemail Message #12

"Viiiiggggooo! I love your ass, it's sooooo pretty! (cackling wild laughter as Dennis Hopper hangs up)

Return Voicemail Message to Hopper

"Hopper, you frickin' misguided Republican hound dog! You're the one with the pretty ass. Mine's rugged and virile! (snickers as Viggo hangs up)"

Voice Message #18

"Working on your draw???? Baby, you are crazy. Call me sweetie! (giggles as Patricia Arquette hangs up)"

Voice Message #19

"Umm, Hello Mr. Mortensen. I'm calling from the Surgeon General's Office of the United States government. We would really like to talk to you about our Public Service Advertising programs. Could you please call us back at your earliest convenience...."

Voicemail Message #23

"Well, Viggo, your ass is as fine as it ever was. Wish I could say the same about mine. Love you, sugar. Call me if you need anything. And I mean that! (kisses as Diane Lane hangs up)"

Voicemail Message #31

"Hi, I'm a pervert artiste and I was wondering if you would pose for me so I could paint your really rugged and virile yet seriously deluded Democrat ass? (more cackling as Hopper hangs up)"

Voicemail Message # 34

"Ian here. If my bottom still looked that good, I'd be glad to pose for photos in the paper. Might bring in some interesting offers. I'm sure you're fine darling man. Give us a ring if you need to talk or get away. Love you dear."

Voicemail Message #39

"Hey Vig! It's Orlando again. I'm here with Johnny at his farmhouse. And he says to bring your very fine arse over here to visit and relax. Vanessa and Kate say you can walk around naked all you want -- they won't mind. (giggles) Really, man, I love you so come on over and we'll drink loads of very good French wine and forget the rest of the world for a bit. I'm so sick of bloody reporters and so is Johnny.

Viggo? Hi, it's Johnny Depp. Seriously, come and visit for a few days. We can smoke some shit and talk art. C'mon over."

Voicemail Message #40

"Vig? Got your message. I'll pick you up at the airport. And, eh sure, about that other thing. I'm sure I have a few special techniques that will work quite well that, eh, you may not be, eh, skilled at yet. I'll have to demonstrate them, you understand, but I'm sure you'll get the motions down quick enough. We'll have to practice every day for at least a few hours. But, eh, I think you will find the lessons quite, eh, well, shite! Just get your arse over here! I'll be waitin'."


The End

Comments

[dalehead.livejournal.com]

Oh how I laughed! Thanks!

[your-own-path.livejournal.com]

After spending the week obsessed with that tabloid shot of Vig's belly, I just had to work it out of my system somehow!

*falls on floor laughing*

[jillapet.livejournal.com]

oh god..the pain..it burns....

*giggles helplessly*

The voice mails at the end were PRICELESS!

Re: *falls on floor laughing*

[your-own-path.livejournal.com]

*picks you up* don't hurt yourself! Vig and Sean might have to use that new special toy feature on you.

[bijou69.livejournal.com]

I'm just sitting here in the middle of the night and dying of laughter ! Simply great !

[your-own-path.livejournal.com]

Now when you go to sleep you can have nice and funny dreams!

[nessa-t.livejournal.com]

It's very, very good indeed! Well done!

[darknightjess.livejournal.com]

Perfect fic for those pics!!!
This is fantastic!! YAY you!!

[jenmstar.livejournal.com]

I giggled so hard I got a cramp.

[your-own-path.livejournal.com]

Oh, lay your head on Viggo's belly and you'll feel all better.

[moody-girl.livejournal.com]

So like, I've seen this picture before and I have to wonder... What the hell is he doing? Who takes a nap on curb? And more over, another girl on another board alluded to trying to grab his addy (if it's even his addy) from the side of the box there... Who takes a nap on the curb with a box with your address on it, in plain view in public, when you're Viggo freakin-sexy Mortensen??? At least he's wearing cute shoes. :)

[your-own-path.livejournal.com]

Isn't that the best thing about him? That he's such a dorky guy despite how he looks! And I think the box came from outside the US. The address has USA written on that and nobody does that on internal mail. More mystery!!! ^_^

[kristyana.livejournal.com]

We regret to inform you that Kristyana is too busy rolling on the floor with laughter to post a proper comment.
Had she been able to, she probably would have said something like...
*gigglesnort*
Or if she were a little more coherent
Thank you for posting, that was great and really made me laugh!

[moody-girl.livejournal.com]

lol I loved this, this was great! :)

[ryhasso.livejournal.com]

*loves*

You made my day. Thanks. I won't stop giggling until tomorrow at least. :)

ROFL!

[little---hobbit.livejournal.com]

That was absolutely great! *wipes tears of laughter from eyes*

[makamu]

*spits out coke* This was bloody great! And about the picture with him lying on the curb: If the address had USA on it, then all I say is this: Plot Bunny, anyone?

[shrinetolust.livejournal.com]

LOL...this was hilarious! "The Mortensen Method"...heeee.... I LOVED it when he slipped up and said he'd like to know exactly where and when they took the pic...lol..

And the voicemails at the end!! Heee...priceless!!

[ribby.livejournal.com]

*giggles* Oh, the voicemails were *priceless*! And what a fun idea... I can completely see this happening to Viggo. *drools over the thought of nekkid!Viggo pics...*

Wonderful fic!

~Kris