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rugbytackleTitle: The Sharing of Dreams
Author: Rocketbalm
Pairing: SB/VM
Rating: PG-13ish for language
Summary: Back from the UK, Sean tells Viggo how he thinks he feels.
Content/warnings: There is Angst people
Disclaimer: A work of my modestly twisted mind -- complete fiction. Never happened. Don’t know these people, sadly all in my imagination.
Author's note: I don't know what happened but some how my chapter 8 post got deleted from rugbytackle -- something I did I'm sure (fat fingers today). So all the wonderful comments from that chapter are gone and I can't reply to them. thanks ot all of you that commented. Cheers.
Chapter 8 – Dreaming
Four more hours, I can hold on for four more hours. I’ll go and fix things with Viggo, make everything okay. Sean laid back with his eyes closed trying not to feel every bump of turbulence, thinking of Viggo helped. He knew Vig would listen, would understand. Being away for three weeks had given him time to reflect on everything. He was no less a coward – he couldn’t, could never, just couldn’t even if his body betrayed him, his mind could not. But he could tell Viggo he loved him too. He could let him know that much. They could still have everything they had before, things didn’t need to change. Their friendship was the most import thing. That they could work out. After all the bullshit with the solicitors, dividing assets, custody agreements, this he could handle. This he wasn’t going to fuck this up. Sean glanced at his watch again. 3 hours 55 minutes. Fuck.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Orlando was pacing in the arrivals lounge. No one had heard from Sean while he was gone; not that it was expected. But now it just seemed like someone should have. He had no idea what head space Sean was in, how he would take the news. Fuck, there he is. Shite he’s smiling, grinning even. Fuck Sean.
“Elf-boy. Mighty kind of you to be my welcoming committee, I feel right honoured”. Sean gave Orli a big hug. Sean looked around wistfully, hoping beyond hope that Viggo had come as well. Not to worry, he’d fix that as soon as he could. Smiling at Orlando, Sean motioned to his bags, “Now, make yourself useful and help me with my bags.”
“Sean” Orli hesitated.
“Fuck Orli, cat got your tongue? You miss me that much” he said chuckling. “Come on Elfy, shake a leg. I have some fences to mend. I’m going to go home to drop my stuff off and then I have to go find Vig.” Sean stopped talking and looked around for Orli. “What? Orlando what the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Sean, fuck, I didn’t expect you to be so happy.”
“Happy’s a bleeding crime now? What the fuck is going on?” Sean was starting to feel sick, realizing something was really very wrong.
“It’s Viggo, he’s," Orli paused knowing how this would hit Sean, “He’s had an accident, he’s in the hospital” Seeing Sean sway on his feet, Orli closed the gap between them and grabbed the larger mans arms to steady him. “It’s going to be okay, I’ll take you. We can go there right now.”
Sean’s mouth was completely dry. He locked eyes with Orlando and opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. What happened? Did he..? He wouldn’t, would he? Oh god, I’m such an idiot. I should have talked to him before I left, I should have called him from London. Sean’s face contorted with pain and anxiety.
Orlando watched the emotions, the pain consume Sean and realized what he was thinking. “Fuck, no Sean, nothing like that. Uraeus got spooked and threw him. He hit his head really hard and rolled down a ravine. He’s, well he’s still unconscious, but they say he should be coming out of it soon. He didn’t break anything, just bashed his head and his shoulder is pretty banged up too.” The words coming out in a rush seeing a look of relief and then renewed concern come over Sean.
“Get me there, now” finding his voice, “and Orlando, don’t kill us on the way. I need to be there when he wakes up. I need to make this right.” He looked up to see Orlando smiling. “Wipe that shit eating grin off your face and get moving.” Orlando moved but his grin just grew wider.
The drive to the hospital was unbearable. It seemed to Sean that they hit every light, every bad driver. His anxiety was pounding in his ears. Fuck this waiting is worse than flying. Trying not to picture Viggo in the hospital, reality would be worse than anything he could imagine so he just tried to control his breathing.
Suddenly Sean’s brain engaged again and all his questions came flooding out. “Who’s there with him now? Does Henry know? When did this happen? Why didn’t you call *me*. Christ Orlando I’m his best friend.”
“Best friend?” Orlando asked cautiously, surely Sean wasn’t hiding behind that still.
“You know what I mean Orlando, now tell me happened.”
Still wary, Orli told Sean what happened. “It was last night, just before sunset. He went for a ride with Bernard at the end of shooting and they were just coming back when it happened.” Orli explained. “I thought about calling you but I knew you’d just be getting on the plane and I couldn’t do that to you Sean. You would have been freaking out the whole way across. I figured it would be better just to meet you. Billy, PJ and Fran are taking turns staying with him while I’m gone. I’ve been with him since Bernard raised the alarm. He hasn’t said anything, he’s been so still.” Sean nodded and stared out the side window.
“And Henry?” he asked again.
“PJ thought it would be better to wait 48 hours before we tell Exene. By then he should be awake and able to talk to Henry himself.” Sean continued to stare off out the window. “The doctor’s say he’s going to be fine Sean. It’s just so hard waiting and not knowing, yeah.”
Sean could barely keep himself from running down the hallways of the hospital. For once Orli’s manic energy was replaced by a calm and comforting one that kept Sean from completely losing his mind. As they reached the room they found PJ and Fran huddle with a doctor in the corridor.
“Sean, you’ve made it” PJ began quietly, “Orlando filled you in, good. The doctor’s are happy with his brain activity and lack of swelling so they feel he should be coming out of it within a few hours. You’ll wait with him, Sean? I’m sure he’s rather see you than my ugly mug.” He added with a quick smile.
“Of course, yes, yes, can I go in now?” It took every ounce of restraint for Sean not push everyone out of the way and break the fucking door down to get to Viggo.
“Sure, Billy’s with him now. He looks pretty bad Sean, prepare yourself for that okay.” Fran nudged him toward the door.
Sean paused at the door for a breath and then opened it slowly. Billy turned at the sound of the door and acknowledged Sean. “Glad you’ve come Sean,” Placing his hand on Sean’s arm as he left the room. “It will mean a lot to him to know you’re here.”
Sean nodded mutely as he stared at the figure in front of him on the bed. He looked so small and still. The sight sent a shiver up Sean’s spine. God Vig, what have you done? he thought as moved to the bedside, taking it all in. Monitors blinked, an IV dripped but the worst was seeing Viggo’s arms secured to the bed. It made Sean want to rip off the restraints and rub away the marks they left. He ran his fingers lightly over his friends arm before letting his eyes travel up to his face. His skin was so pale and looked so cold, his lips, slightly parted, were colourless. The beautiful hair was matted against his skull making him look so fragile. Sean’s eyes grew dark as he saw the stain of the bruise that barely showed at the temple before disappearing beneath his hair. He gently brushed the hair aside to see it better. Vig you silly fucker, you really did it this time, didn’t you. Sean bent down and placed a chaste kiss on the pale forehead.
“God I missed you” Sean kept his voice low as he sat on the edge of the bed. Sean placed his hand over Viggo’s heart just to feel it beating, as his chest slowly rose and fell with each breath. Sean closed his eyes and it felt like he had become an extension of Viggo. He could feel his breathing slow and match Viggo’s, Sean’s own heart rate became unhurried. Sean had no idea how long they stayed connected like that, didn’t know when the tears had started sliding down his cheeks and dropping onto Viggo’s upturned hand, didn’t know much of anything but that it felt like there was no where else he should be but right here.
Sean was startled out of his meditation by a soft groan that came from Viggo, little more than heavy sigh. Sean stared, waiting for Viggo to open his eyes, willing them to open. He stroked Viggo face gently and murmured “I’m right here Vig, right here with you. Whenever you’re ready, love I’m here”
Longed to take Vig in his arms, and cradle him until he woke. He cursed the restraints again; he couldn’t even lift Viggo’s hand off the bed and hold it in his own. He studied the scarred and battered hands on the bed; beautiful, amazing hands. Hands that brought colour to life on a canvass or wrote words so beautiful they made your heart ache. Hands that moved animatedly telling a story and calmed you when you needed soothing. Murmuring endearments, Sean massaged his fallen tears into the up-turn palm in front of him.
“Remember our day at the beach with Henry, Vig? Remember how you and Henry whooped and laughed when the two of you finally got the kite to stay up in the air? It was hard to tell who was the adult most of that day, like most days with you. You and Henry ordered mango-chutney gelato and teased me because I wouldn’t budge from plain old boring strawberry. We sat in the garden after Henry went to bed. It was so warm and the smell of oranges from the grove was enough to make your mouth water, remember?” Sean lost himself in the memories, sharing his thoughts with Viggo as if he could hear every word. Words he hadn’t said before and needed to be said, even if Viggo couldn’t hear him.
“Remember how I struggled to ask you about the painting. How you let me work it out in my own head before I finally asked. I knew you knew what I wanted to know. You always are so patient with me, letting me get there in my own time. Your voice still echoes in my head as you stripped me bare of everything I hid behind and told me I was wonderful just as I am. My heart feels full whenever I think of your words.” Sean smiled at the thought, “God, when things got really bad with me and Abby I would replay that day in my head. How safe and welcome you made me feel. I guess that’s when I started to love you. Hell maybe I loved from that first night in London. I don’t know, but love you I do.”
Viggo groan again, a little louder as if he heard Sean. “Vig can you hear me? Vig wake up, I’m right here.” Caressing his cheek and moving his hand to the hair at the nape of his neck to soothe the waking man.
=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-
Mmmm, waking up again. Don’t wanna to wake up. Want to keep dreaming of Sean. This Sean, the one who says he loves me. Don’t wanna wake up. Want to curl up in his voice, want to smell his hair, want his touch. Mmmmm yeah just like that, feels so nice. Why does my head hurt. Can’t move my arms. Fuck what’s happening to me. Viggo began to panic and struggle as he realized that he wasn’t dreaming, and he couldn’t move.
“Vig it’s all right. Try not to move, I’m right here.” Sean tried to calm Viggo as he woke. The monitors started beeping as a nurse followed by the doctor came to see what was happening. PJ, Fran, Orli and Billy stood anxiously in the doorway. “I’m right here with you Vig, I’ve got your hand, all you need to do is open your eyes love. Come, open your eyes for me.”
He wasn’t dreaming this Sean. This Sean was here, with him, as he was waking up. This Sean did love him and suddenly he knew it was time to open his eyes. It took a moment to focus; there was a flurry of activity that he didn’t understand. Voices he didn’t recognize, but there in front of him, looking exhausted was Sean. His Sean. Beautiful green eyes sparkled as they crinkled into a tired smile.
“God Vig, we were so worried. I was so worried.” He amended. Viggo felt Sean’s hand, still at the nape of his neck running through his hair, comforting him. His mouth was so dry, he wanted to speak. What the hell had happened? Where was he?
“Shhhh, love. Try not to speak. You’ve had a bit of bump. Fell off Uraeus and onto your head instead of your arse you daft bugger. You’ve been, asleep for a while, he doctor’s are just going to check you over so lie still love, lie still.
There it was again, thought Viggo. Love. Sean loved him. He could hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes and feel it in his touch. Nothing else mattered. He stopped struggling and lay back just looking at Sean and tried to smile.
“Only you could be in a coma for 24 hours and wake up smiling. Christ Viggo what am I going to do with you?” he grinned back. You’ll think of something thought Viggo, trying even harder to smile. Sean knew then that everything would be okay; nothing would come between their friendship.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Sean gradually woke up; sitting in a chair with his face resting on Viggo’s hospital bed, warm fingers lightly running through his hair.
“How you doing” Viggo rasped, his throat still rough from being so parched.
“Think I should be asking you that” Sean yawned. “Lovely welt you gave yourself. Trying to give Aragorn that well worn look, are you?” he teased.
“I’d feel like shit but you’re here so it’s hard not to feel pretty good.”
“Can I get you anything, do anything? Fuck you scared us Vig. Scares me to think what you’ll get up to next time I’m away. Obviously appointing Orli as your keeper is not going to work.” Keeping the conversation light.
“Sean, I “ Viggo tried to clear his throat before going on.
“Shh Vig, just rest. Let me get you some water. We’ll have plenty of time to talk later. I’m not going anywhere.” He reassured.
Viggo sipped the water and closed his eyes for a long moment, appreciating that the drugs were dulling the pain in his head. He really wanted to talk to Sean, wanted to clear things up, wanted to hear Sean say it. He didn’t want to wait any more. “Before you left…” he began
“Vig, we don’t have to do this right now.” Not wanting to put any more strain on fragile form in the bed. ”I think you should rest. We can figure everything out later. I did a lot of thinking while I was away. Let’s sort this out when you don’t have a bloody drugs being pumped into your arm, all right”
Viggo’s stubbornness kicked in. “want to talk now” he rasped. “Want to know Sean. Need to know.” He paused to let Sean settle on the side of the bed and his eyes softened before he continued “before you left, I told you how I felt. That I loved you….” His voice hitched and trailed off.
“I know Vig, and I was a stupid arse.” Sean took his hand knowing that this was his chance to make things right. To get back what they had. “I’m so sorry, I hurt you. I ought not to have done that. I was wrong”.
Viggo could see it in Sean’s eyes, he knew what was coming and he held his breath in anticipation. Sean loves me. He truly loves me. Viggo gave Sean’s hand an encouraging squeeze, urging him to continue.
“It took me a while to sort it all out. To be okay with what I’m feeling and I’m so sorry that I hurt you along the way,” His eyes filling with remorse.
“Say it Sean, let me hear you say it.” Viggo whispered.
“I love you Viggo, you mean the world to me” Sean gathered him up in his arms and held him close. Viggo trembled in his embrace and breathed Sean deep into his lungs, trying to ingrain this moment into his memory. God I’ve waited, wanted this for so long, he really loves me, thought Viggo. After several minutes, Sean gently laid Viggo back onto the bed, smoothing his damp hair from his forehead, he continued.
“It’s been a real struggle for me, I was so scared – still am, actually. Where I come from blokes just don’t love their mates, it’s just, well frowned upon” he said shyly. “I guess I needed to do a little growing up. Of course I can love you. You know me better than I know myself. More than anything I was scared of losing my friend.” His voice grew low and thick with emotion. “Vig I know now that I can love you and still be your friend and have everything we had before. It doesn’t make me gay it just means our friendship is better, stronger.” Sean marveled at how good it felt to tell Viggo his feelings and how he still felt like himself. He was so caught up in the moment feeling a sense of pride that he failed to see the confusion and then anger flash in Viggo’s eyes.
Friend? What the fuck? He loves me, what the fuck is he saying? As Sean was talking Viggo’s emotions went from elation, to despair and finally rage. Maybe it was the drugs, the emotional drain of the last few weeks, or the exhaustion of the last couple days, he didn’t know. All he knew that he couldn’t take anymore of this evasive shit from Sean right now. He wanted to lash out and hurt Sean, make him feel the gut dropping, ache that he felt. Make him feel it as it radiated up through his heart where it sharpened and pierced his soul. Part of Viggo, knew that he was being unreasonable, the other part of him was too tired to care. Fuck friends he thought.
His gaze became as icy as the ache that gripped his heart, as he locked eyes with Sean “I’ve got enough friends Sean…” he spat out before closing his eyes and rolling over to turn his back on Sean.
The words hit Sean like physical blows. His mouth went completely dry. He realized that he had been holding breath and let it out with a rush. Sean reached out his hand and touched the shoulder that had turned from him. “Viggo,” his voice was low and pleading.
Viggo shrugged his hand off forcefully and otherwise he remained very still “Just leave, Sean” his voice deceptively calm.
Sean stood with his hand frozen mid-air, stunned. What just happened? Oh my God, how did I screw this up? Tears started to spill down his cheeks as his hand fell to his side and his heart felt as if it was going to come right out of his chest. After several long minutes he turned and slowly walked away from the one person he felt would always be there for him, the one friend he never wanted to lose and the only man he ever told he loved.
TBC
Free Hit Counter
Author: Rocketbalm
Pairing: SB/VM
Rating: PG-13ish for language
Summary: Back from the UK, Sean tells Viggo how he thinks he feels.
Content/warnings: There is Angst people
Disclaimer: A work of my modestly twisted mind -- complete fiction. Never happened. Don’t know these people, sadly all in my imagination.
Author's note: I don't know what happened but some how my chapter 8 post got deleted from rugbytackle -- something I did I'm sure (fat fingers today). So all the wonderful comments from that chapter are gone and I can't reply to them. thanks ot all of you that commented. Cheers.
Chapter 8 – Dreaming
Four more hours, I can hold on for four more hours. I’ll go and fix things with Viggo, make everything okay. Sean laid back with his eyes closed trying not to feel every bump of turbulence, thinking of Viggo helped. He knew Vig would listen, would understand. Being away for three weeks had given him time to reflect on everything. He was no less a coward – he couldn’t, could never, just couldn’t even if his body betrayed him, his mind could not. But he could tell Viggo he loved him too. He could let him know that much. They could still have everything they had before, things didn’t need to change. Their friendship was the most import thing. That they could work out. After all the bullshit with the solicitors, dividing assets, custody agreements, this he could handle. This he wasn’t going to fuck this up. Sean glanced at his watch again. 3 hours 55 minutes. Fuck.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Orlando was pacing in the arrivals lounge. No one had heard from Sean while he was gone; not that it was expected. But now it just seemed like someone should have. He had no idea what head space Sean was in, how he would take the news. Fuck, there he is. Shite he’s smiling, grinning even. Fuck Sean.
“Elf-boy. Mighty kind of you to be my welcoming committee, I feel right honoured”. Sean gave Orli a big hug. Sean looked around wistfully, hoping beyond hope that Viggo had come as well. Not to worry, he’d fix that as soon as he could. Smiling at Orlando, Sean motioned to his bags, “Now, make yourself useful and help me with my bags.”
“Sean” Orli hesitated.
“Fuck Orli, cat got your tongue? You miss me that much” he said chuckling. “Come on Elfy, shake a leg. I have some fences to mend. I’m going to go home to drop my stuff off and then I have to go find Vig.” Sean stopped talking and looked around for Orli. “What? Orlando what the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Sean, fuck, I didn’t expect you to be so happy.”
“Happy’s a bleeding crime now? What the fuck is going on?” Sean was starting to feel sick, realizing something was really very wrong.
“It’s Viggo, he’s," Orli paused knowing how this would hit Sean, “He’s had an accident, he’s in the hospital” Seeing Sean sway on his feet, Orli closed the gap between them and grabbed the larger mans arms to steady him. “It’s going to be okay, I’ll take you. We can go there right now.”
Sean’s mouth was completely dry. He locked eyes with Orlando and opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. What happened? Did he..? He wouldn’t, would he? Oh god, I’m such an idiot. I should have talked to him before I left, I should have called him from London. Sean’s face contorted with pain and anxiety.
Orlando watched the emotions, the pain consume Sean and realized what he was thinking. “Fuck, no Sean, nothing like that. Uraeus got spooked and threw him. He hit his head really hard and rolled down a ravine. He’s, well he’s still unconscious, but they say he should be coming out of it soon. He didn’t break anything, just bashed his head and his shoulder is pretty banged up too.” The words coming out in a rush seeing a look of relief and then renewed concern come over Sean.
“Get me there, now” finding his voice, “and Orlando, don’t kill us on the way. I need to be there when he wakes up. I need to make this right.” He looked up to see Orlando smiling. “Wipe that shit eating grin off your face and get moving.” Orlando moved but his grin just grew wider.
The drive to the hospital was unbearable. It seemed to Sean that they hit every light, every bad driver. His anxiety was pounding in his ears. Fuck this waiting is worse than flying. Trying not to picture Viggo in the hospital, reality would be worse than anything he could imagine so he just tried to control his breathing.
Suddenly Sean’s brain engaged again and all his questions came flooding out. “Who’s there with him now? Does Henry know? When did this happen? Why didn’t you call *me*. Christ Orlando I’m his best friend.”
“Best friend?” Orlando asked cautiously, surely Sean wasn’t hiding behind that still.
“You know what I mean Orlando, now tell me happened.”
Still wary, Orli told Sean what happened. “It was last night, just before sunset. He went for a ride with Bernard at the end of shooting and they were just coming back when it happened.” Orli explained. “I thought about calling you but I knew you’d just be getting on the plane and I couldn’t do that to you Sean. You would have been freaking out the whole way across. I figured it would be better just to meet you. Billy, PJ and Fran are taking turns staying with him while I’m gone. I’ve been with him since Bernard raised the alarm. He hasn’t said anything, he’s been so still.” Sean nodded and stared out the side window.
“And Henry?” he asked again.
“PJ thought it would be better to wait 48 hours before we tell Exene. By then he should be awake and able to talk to Henry himself.” Sean continued to stare off out the window. “The doctor’s say he’s going to be fine Sean. It’s just so hard waiting and not knowing, yeah.”
Sean could barely keep himself from running down the hallways of the hospital. For once Orli’s manic energy was replaced by a calm and comforting one that kept Sean from completely losing his mind. As they reached the room they found PJ and Fran huddle with a doctor in the corridor.
“Sean, you’ve made it” PJ began quietly, “Orlando filled you in, good. The doctor’s are happy with his brain activity and lack of swelling so they feel he should be coming out of it within a few hours. You’ll wait with him, Sean? I’m sure he’s rather see you than my ugly mug.” He added with a quick smile.
“Of course, yes, yes, can I go in now?” It took every ounce of restraint for Sean not push everyone out of the way and break the fucking door down to get to Viggo.
“Sure, Billy’s with him now. He looks pretty bad Sean, prepare yourself for that okay.” Fran nudged him toward the door.
Sean paused at the door for a breath and then opened it slowly. Billy turned at the sound of the door and acknowledged Sean. “Glad you’ve come Sean,” Placing his hand on Sean’s arm as he left the room. “It will mean a lot to him to know you’re here.”
Sean nodded mutely as he stared at the figure in front of him on the bed. He looked so small and still. The sight sent a shiver up Sean’s spine. God Vig, what have you done? he thought as moved to the bedside, taking it all in. Monitors blinked, an IV dripped but the worst was seeing Viggo’s arms secured to the bed. It made Sean want to rip off the restraints and rub away the marks they left. He ran his fingers lightly over his friends arm before letting his eyes travel up to his face. His skin was so pale and looked so cold, his lips, slightly parted, were colourless. The beautiful hair was matted against his skull making him look so fragile. Sean’s eyes grew dark as he saw the stain of the bruise that barely showed at the temple before disappearing beneath his hair. He gently brushed the hair aside to see it better. Vig you silly fucker, you really did it this time, didn’t you. Sean bent down and placed a chaste kiss on the pale forehead.
“God I missed you” Sean kept his voice low as he sat on the edge of the bed. Sean placed his hand over Viggo’s heart just to feel it beating, as his chest slowly rose and fell with each breath. Sean closed his eyes and it felt like he had become an extension of Viggo. He could feel his breathing slow and match Viggo’s, Sean’s own heart rate became unhurried. Sean had no idea how long they stayed connected like that, didn’t know when the tears had started sliding down his cheeks and dropping onto Viggo’s upturned hand, didn’t know much of anything but that it felt like there was no where else he should be but right here.
Sean was startled out of his meditation by a soft groan that came from Viggo, little more than heavy sigh. Sean stared, waiting for Viggo to open his eyes, willing them to open. He stroked Viggo face gently and murmured “I’m right here Vig, right here with you. Whenever you’re ready, love I’m here”
Longed to take Vig in his arms, and cradle him until he woke. He cursed the restraints again; he couldn’t even lift Viggo’s hand off the bed and hold it in his own. He studied the scarred and battered hands on the bed; beautiful, amazing hands. Hands that brought colour to life on a canvass or wrote words so beautiful they made your heart ache. Hands that moved animatedly telling a story and calmed you when you needed soothing. Murmuring endearments, Sean massaged his fallen tears into the up-turn palm in front of him.
“Remember our day at the beach with Henry, Vig? Remember how you and Henry whooped and laughed when the two of you finally got the kite to stay up in the air? It was hard to tell who was the adult most of that day, like most days with you. You and Henry ordered mango-chutney gelato and teased me because I wouldn’t budge from plain old boring strawberry. We sat in the garden after Henry went to bed. It was so warm and the smell of oranges from the grove was enough to make your mouth water, remember?” Sean lost himself in the memories, sharing his thoughts with Viggo as if he could hear every word. Words he hadn’t said before and needed to be said, even if Viggo couldn’t hear him.
“Remember how I struggled to ask you about the painting. How you let me work it out in my own head before I finally asked. I knew you knew what I wanted to know. You always are so patient with me, letting me get there in my own time. Your voice still echoes in my head as you stripped me bare of everything I hid behind and told me I was wonderful just as I am. My heart feels full whenever I think of your words.” Sean smiled at the thought, “God, when things got really bad with me and Abby I would replay that day in my head. How safe and welcome you made me feel. I guess that’s when I started to love you. Hell maybe I loved from that first night in London. I don’t know, but love you I do.”
Viggo groan again, a little louder as if he heard Sean. “Vig can you hear me? Vig wake up, I’m right here.” Caressing his cheek and moving his hand to the hair at the nape of his neck to soothe the waking man.
=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-
Mmmm, waking up again. Don’t wanna to wake up. Want to keep dreaming of Sean. This Sean, the one who says he loves me. Don’t wanna wake up. Want to curl up in his voice, want to smell his hair, want his touch. Mmmmm yeah just like that, feels so nice. Why does my head hurt. Can’t move my arms. Fuck what’s happening to me. Viggo began to panic and struggle as he realized that he wasn’t dreaming, and he couldn’t move.
“Vig it’s all right. Try not to move, I’m right here.” Sean tried to calm Viggo as he woke. The monitors started beeping as a nurse followed by the doctor came to see what was happening. PJ, Fran, Orli and Billy stood anxiously in the doorway. “I’m right here with you Vig, I’ve got your hand, all you need to do is open your eyes love. Come, open your eyes for me.”
He wasn’t dreaming this Sean. This Sean was here, with him, as he was waking up. This Sean did love him and suddenly he knew it was time to open his eyes. It took a moment to focus; there was a flurry of activity that he didn’t understand. Voices he didn’t recognize, but there in front of him, looking exhausted was Sean. His Sean. Beautiful green eyes sparkled as they crinkled into a tired smile.
“God Vig, we were so worried. I was so worried.” He amended. Viggo felt Sean’s hand, still at the nape of his neck running through his hair, comforting him. His mouth was so dry, he wanted to speak. What the hell had happened? Where was he?
“Shhhh, love. Try not to speak. You’ve had a bit of bump. Fell off Uraeus and onto your head instead of your arse you daft bugger. You’ve been, asleep for a while, he doctor’s are just going to check you over so lie still love, lie still.
There it was again, thought Viggo. Love. Sean loved him. He could hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes and feel it in his touch. Nothing else mattered. He stopped struggling and lay back just looking at Sean and tried to smile.
“Only you could be in a coma for 24 hours and wake up smiling. Christ Viggo what am I going to do with you?” he grinned back. You’ll think of something thought Viggo, trying even harder to smile. Sean knew then that everything would be okay; nothing would come between their friendship.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Sean gradually woke up; sitting in a chair with his face resting on Viggo’s hospital bed, warm fingers lightly running through his hair.
“How you doing” Viggo rasped, his throat still rough from being so parched.
“Think I should be asking you that” Sean yawned. “Lovely welt you gave yourself. Trying to give Aragorn that well worn look, are you?” he teased.
“I’d feel like shit but you’re here so it’s hard not to feel pretty good.”
“Can I get you anything, do anything? Fuck you scared us Vig. Scares me to think what you’ll get up to next time I’m away. Obviously appointing Orli as your keeper is not going to work.” Keeping the conversation light.
“Sean, I “ Viggo tried to clear his throat before going on.
“Shh Vig, just rest. Let me get you some water. We’ll have plenty of time to talk later. I’m not going anywhere.” He reassured.
Viggo sipped the water and closed his eyes for a long moment, appreciating that the drugs were dulling the pain in his head. He really wanted to talk to Sean, wanted to clear things up, wanted to hear Sean say it. He didn’t want to wait any more. “Before you left…” he began
“Vig, we don’t have to do this right now.” Not wanting to put any more strain on fragile form in the bed. ”I think you should rest. We can figure everything out later. I did a lot of thinking while I was away. Let’s sort this out when you don’t have a bloody drugs being pumped into your arm, all right”
Viggo’s stubbornness kicked in. “want to talk now” he rasped. “Want to know Sean. Need to know.” He paused to let Sean settle on the side of the bed and his eyes softened before he continued “before you left, I told you how I felt. That I loved you….” His voice hitched and trailed off.
“I know Vig, and I was a stupid arse.” Sean took his hand knowing that this was his chance to make things right. To get back what they had. “I’m so sorry, I hurt you. I ought not to have done that. I was wrong”.
Viggo could see it in Sean’s eyes, he knew what was coming and he held his breath in anticipation. Sean loves me. He truly loves me. Viggo gave Sean’s hand an encouraging squeeze, urging him to continue.
“It took me a while to sort it all out. To be okay with what I’m feeling and I’m so sorry that I hurt you along the way,” His eyes filling with remorse.
“Say it Sean, let me hear you say it.” Viggo whispered.
“I love you Viggo, you mean the world to me” Sean gathered him up in his arms and held him close. Viggo trembled in his embrace and breathed Sean deep into his lungs, trying to ingrain this moment into his memory. God I’ve waited, wanted this for so long, he really loves me, thought Viggo. After several minutes, Sean gently laid Viggo back onto the bed, smoothing his damp hair from his forehead, he continued.
“It’s been a real struggle for me, I was so scared – still am, actually. Where I come from blokes just don’t love their mates, it’s just, well frowned upon” he said shyly. “I guess I needed to do a little growing up. Of course I can love you. You know me better than I know myself. More than anything I was scared of losing my friend.” His voice grew low and thick with emotion. “Vig I know now that I can love you and still be your friend and have everything we had before. It doesn’t make me gay it just means our friendship is better, stronger.” Sean marveled at how good it felt to tell Viggo his feelings and how he still felt like himself. He was so caught up in the moment feeling a sense of pride that he failed to see the confusion and then anger flash in Viggo’s eyes.
Friend? What the fuck? He loves me, what the fuck is he saying? As Sean was talking Viggo’s emotions went from elation, to despair and finally rage. Maybe it was the drugs, the emotional drain of the last few weeks, or the exhaustion of the last couple days, he didn’t know. All he knew that he couldn’t take anymore of this evasive shit from Sean right now. He wanted to lash out and hurt Sean, make him feel the gut dropping, ache that he felt. Make him feel it as it radiated up through his heart where it sharpened and pierced his soul. Part of Viggo, knew that he was being unreasonable, the other part of him was too tired to care. Fuck friends he thought.
His gaze became as icy as the ache that gripped his heart, as he locked eyes with Sean “I’ve got enough friends Sean…” he spat out before closing his eyes and rolling over to turn his back on Sean.
The words hit Sean like physical blows. His mouth went completely dry. He realized that he had been holding breath and let it out with a rush. Sean reached out his hand and touched the shoulder that had turned from him. “Viggo,” his voice was low and pleading.
Viggo shrugged his hand off forcefully and otherwise he remained very still “Just leave, Sean” his voice deceptively calm.
Sean stood with his hand frozen mid-air, stunned. What just happened? Oh my God, how did I screw this up? Tears started to spill down his cheeks as his hand fell to his side and his heart felt as if it was going to come right out of his chest. After several long minutes he turned and slowly walked away from the one person he felt would always be there for him, the one friend he never wanted to lose and the only man he ever told he loved.
TBC
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Date: 2005-09-17 02:01 am (UTC)