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Nov. 8th, 2005 06:09 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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rugbytackleTHIS IS A DARK RIDE -- Shegollum
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Title: Green Dark by shegollum -- Part 17/?
Author: shegollum
Pairing: Viggo/Bean; includes Orlando, too.
Rating: R - NC17
Summary: Morning after the night before...where are they in this strange new space?
Warnings: Angst; mental cruelty/instability; possibly non-con; cutting; substance abuse -- you name it...we've probably got it.
Disclaimer: No truth in it at all.
Archive: Viggo-Cursive and rugbytackle eventually
A/N: Not beta'd. All errors are completely mine and mine alone.
I wrote this this evening and then I saw the news about Brigit. That is making me sad and I haven't proofed this. May pull it in the morning. If you find anything awful in it, please let me know and I'll fix it. -- Shegollum
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Banner by the wonderful Amanda (![[profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
legomyarrow). :-)
* * *
I’m so fucking lost in here, Sean. I can’t break down. I can’t. I can’t let go. It’s all too big and I don’t have the time to be swept away in it. I need to find a way to bring it back in and put it away…
* * *
“Vig, wake up, love. It’s okay. Everything is okay.”
Waking with a start even at the soft murmurs from Sean, Viggo knew instantly where he was – the tile floor cold under the bottom half of his body, his torso nestled into the soft warmth of Sean – and he was ashamed. Angry at himself, he sat up quickly and moved away all in one motion, a part of him welcoming the distance and another part of him silently screaming in protest.
He looked at Sean whose eyes were squeezed shut by an enormous yawn, his head tilted back against the wall. The Englishman stretched, arms bent at his elbows and pressed against his head as he eased the tightness in his back. His shirt was missing and Viggo realized that it was Sean’s garment that had kept his bare feet warm as he slept. He reached for it, touched by the gesture and embarrassed by his need for it.
The other man looked exhausted. His green eyes were sad and circled under with darkness. He’d sat there holding Viggo through his memories of that night, holding him and understanding and knowing enough to never say he knew what it was like.
No one knew what it was like.
Scrubbing his hand through his hair, Sean looked at Viggo quietly and finally spoke in a voice that sounded old.
“Come on, Vig. Let’s go lay down where it’s more comfortable. You can’t sleep on the floor all night.”
The response was immediate.
“Will you leave?”
Asked with deliberate neutrality, Sean saw the question for the double-edged sword that it was. He knelt before Viggo and looked carefully into his eyes.
“Do you want me to leave?” he asked very softly, almost holding his breath as he waited.
No answer was spoken. There was just an embarrassed evasion of his eyes and then Viggo shook his head very slightly.
“Then I will be here as long as you will have me. And then, Viggo, when you’ve decided I should go, I won’t go then either, okay? You need to know that. You can be angry and mean and hateful and full of rage and it’s still okay and I’ll still be here. And I’m going to shut it now and go see to it that you can get a good night’s rest. I’m staying. The couch is mine, okay?”
Viggo looked at him with so many questions circulating in his eyes but he didn’t argue. He handed Sean his shirt with whispered thanks, moving toward the door, but when his hand touched the doorknob he stopped and pulled himself up straight before turning around to meet Sean’s eyes.
“You’re not going to say anything? Ask anything? After all that I told you?”
Viggo’s tone was quietly challenging and Sean recognized it. He thought, trying to arrange his words, and the other man continued as though he couldn’t stand the momentary silence.
“You don’t want to know how I could be so stupid? How I could have been so fucking fooled? Don’t you want to know if I really kind of liked it? Or if I feel less like a man? If I ever was a man at all? Don’t you want to tell me that it will be all right? Even if you don’t have a fucking clue? How I need to get over it and move on? How about ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’? That was a particular favorite until I realized I’d died anyway.”
Bitterness and pain poured out in every word and Sean fought to find his voice. He’d sat on the cold floor for almost an hour after Viggo’s agonizing chronicle had trailed off into numb quiet and then exhausted sleep and he’d watched the struggle quietly continue even as the body demanded its respite. He’d shed his own tears then, anger and heartbreak clanging against each other in a torrent of futile and impotent rage against crimes long ago committed.
And their aftermath.
He’d fought to hold in his own distress, fearful of disturbing Viggo’s sleep, but he needn’t have worried. The other man’s fatigue was complete and he’d not stirred at all, not even when Sean had maneuvered out of his shirt and leaned across Viggo’s body to carefully drape it over his bare feet. Watching the signals of a racing brain working across his almost – almost -- peaceful face, Sean had forgotten about restraint and he’d gently stroked his fingers down the plane of a cheek, allowed his thumb to ease stress-drawn furrows.
All he’d fought against then was his instinct to protect him, to make him right. See him whole. He knew that was a mission not his own. But as he’d watched over Viggo as he’d slept, he’d promised not to fail him again.
And now this man -- this friend and love -- looked him in the eye and wanted to know if Sean wanted to know more.
“No,” he said, sure of his answer until he spoke it. And then, “There are no words, Viggo. No words for what was taken. Gods! I am so sorry for what was done. So sorry. Angry. And I feel a hate like nothing I’ve ever felt before.” He swallowed then, taking a moment to catch his breath and be sure he was in control of his voice. He played with the shirt, pulling it on quickly, hands yanking at the soft fabric as he settled it into place. “The fact that you went through that and are still the man you are – the remarkable, gentle, loving, beautiful man that you are – shows that he won nothing at all, Vig”.
Viggo stepped backward through the doorway, looking at Sean as though he was hearing a language he didn’t understand.
“How can you say that, Sean? About me? After what I did? I treated you just like he treated me.” His words were cold and flat and unassailable, signaling what he saw as a dénouement.
Green eyes bored into him then, Sean never giving any ground as he said evenly, “All right then, Viggo. I can’t have you not answer my other question any longer. Tell me about that night. Our night. Tell me what it was to you.”
Viggo looked at him long and hard, eyes like cold gray slate. Sean took a deep breath and pushed blindly.
“Well then? Tell it! You think you raped me? You think that is what that was?”
Viggo’s head snapped back at that word – black and white and cold in the air between them
“I took advantage. I-- used you.”
Sean raised an eyebrow, his expression cocky and confrontational.
“So you did. You raped me just like that bastard did to you!”
“He didn’t fucking rape me. I just—I was a goddamn idiot. I made a mistake – a lot of mistakes – and that’s what happened.”
“He raped you, Viggo,” said Sean, gentler now. “Don’t let him sidestep that. Good decisions or bad, he made decisions to hurt you, to gain your trust and then fuck you over, to terrorize you.”
“No,” said Viggo, an almost childish stubbornness settled on his face.
“It is somehow easier, love, to pretend that you own it all? That you drove what happened? And that it only happened because of your mistakes? That is what I hear and I don’t understand. Don’t make yourself into him. Please. Give yourself more than that.”
Sean realized that he had moved closer and wanted to reach for Viggo, wanted to understand a way to touch him, to somehow offer comfort without asking too much. The other man stood completely still and made no change to allow Sean closer. His arms remained wrapped around his torso, his hands clenched into tight fists.
“I raped you,” Viggo whispered brokenly, his eyes focused on the floor.
“Did you now? I can assure you that my virtue had already been taken, Viggo.” Sean tried a little levity, wishing for the days when humor had been so much easier to come by and such a hallmark of their relationship. Viggo continued as though he hadn’t heard.
“I’d wanted you for a long time, Sean. You know that. And I pushed so hard. Then. And before then, too. You told me to stop – that night – and I didn’t. Even if you hadn’t, I never should have-- You could have been happy… you were already in a relationship and—“
Sean interrupted, green eyes flashing with frustration and impatience.
“Viggo! Every relationship I’ve ever had – every one except those with me girls – has felt like a mistake. Except for what I’ve had with you, you stupid bastard. There was no other relationship. Not really. There was fucking and there was dating. Worked for her as well as it did for me.”
“At least with her you had some dating,” said the other man with a derisive snort. “With me not so much.”
Not quite sure that he may have just heard a joke, Sean gave Viggo a long disbelieving look, followed by a soft laugh when the other man finally looked at him a bit sheepishly. Sean moved close, taking his time about reaching out to stroke stray hair from Viggo’s forehead. No longer waiting for permission.
“You slept against me that night, Viggo. And everything was all right. And somewhere, sometime in the dark of that night, you made up your mind that it was all wrong. You’re scared, Viggo. I can see it now. And I am so very sorry that I didn’t see it before. I want to help you. I want to love you. I do love you, Viggo. Please. Let me in.”
Sean could see that Viggo was warring with himself, the levity of the moment before gone again. His head was shaking side to side slowly, his brow dimpled with worry and denial. Whatever memories and fears that Viggo had, they’d clearly been brushed against and were now more exposed that they’d ever been. He seemed almost panicked at this new vulnerability. Knowing he would never give up – could never give him up – Sean opted to retreat a little for the moment.
“Do you recall the sleep we shared that night, Viggo? You were so deeply asleep and I could only doze here and there, not wanting to stop looking at you, scared you would be gone again if I fell asleep. Just as you’d been gone when I woke up after so many, many dreams, Viggo. Those few hours… those were the only ones I ever spent where I was supposed to be. Where I am supposed to be.”
He was surprised to see a sad smile on the other man’s face as his words faded away with the memory. He felt sad and alone and then those blue eyes looked up at him under faint curves that tried to be eyebrows. And then Viggo softly asked him something he felt like he’d waited forever to hear.
“Will you sleep with me tonight, Sean? Like then?”
“Will you promise to be there when I wake up, Vig?”
The answering nod broke and restored his heart all at once.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Title: Green Dark by shegollum -- Part 17/?
Author: shegollum
Pairing: Viggo/Bean; includes Orlando, too.
Rating: R - NC17
Summary: Morning after the night before...where are they in this strange new space?
Warnings: Angst; mental cruelty/instability; possibly non-con; cutting; substance abuse -- you name it...we've probably got it.
Disclaimer: No truth in it at all.
Archive: Viggo-Cursive and rugbytackle eventually
A/N: Not beta'd. All errors are completely mine and mine alone.
I wrote this this evening and then I saw the news about Brigit. That is making me sad and I haven't proofed this. May pull it in the morning. If you find anything awful in it, please let me know and I'll fix it. -- Shegollum
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
legomyarrow). :-) I’m so fucking lost in here, Sean. I can’t break down. I can’t. I can’t let go. It’s all too big and I don’t have the time to be swept away in it. I need to find a way to bring it back in and put it away…
“Vig, wake up, love. It’s okay. Everything is okay.”
Waking with a start even at the soft murmurs from Sean, Viggo knew instantly where he was – the tile floor cold under the bottom half of his body, his torso nestled into the soft warmth of Sean – and he was ashamed. Angry at himself, he sat up quickly and moved away all in one motion, a part of him welcoming the distance and another part of him silently screaming in protest.
He looked at Sean whose eyes were squeezed shut by an enormous yawn, his head tilted back against the wall. The Englishman stretched, arms bent at his elbows and pressed against his head as he eased the tightness in his back. His shirt was missing and Viggo realized that it was Sean’s garment that had kept his bare feet warm as he slept. He reached for it, touched by the gesture and embarrassed by his need for it.
The other man looked exhausted. His green eyes were sad and circled under with darkness. He’d sat there holding Viggo through his memories of that night, holding him and understanding and knowing enough to never say he knew what it was like.
No one knew what it was like.
Scrubbing his hand through his hair, Sean looked at Viggo quietly and finally spoke in a voice that sounded old.
“Come on, Vig. Let’s go lay down where it’s more comfortable. You can’t sleep on the floor all night.”
The response was immediate.
“Will you leave?”
Asked with deliberate neutrality, Sean saw the question for the double-edged sword that it was. He knelt before Viggo and looked carefully into his eyes.
“Do you want me to leave?” he asked very softly, almost holding his breath as he waited.
No answer was spoken. There was just an embarrassed evasion of his eyes and then Viggo shook his head very slightly.
“Then I will be here as long as you will have me. And then, Viggo, when you’ve decided I should go, I won’t go then either, okay? You need to know that. You can be angry and mean and hateful and full of rage and it’s still okay and I’ll still be here. And I’m going to shut it now and go see to it that you can get a good night’s rest. I’m staying. The couch is mine, okay?”
Viggo looked at him with so many questions circulating in his eyes but he didn’t argue. He handed Sean his shirt with whispered thanks, moving toward the door, but when his hand touched the doorknob he stopped and pulled himself up straight before turning around to meet Sean’s eyes.
“You’re not going to say anything? Ask anything? After all that I told you?”
Viggo’s tone was quietly challenging and Sean recognized it. He thought, trying to arrange his words, and the other man continued as though he couldn’t stand the momentary silence.
“You don’t want to know how I could be so stupid? How I could have been so fucking fooled? Don’t you want to know if I really kind of liked it? Or if I feel less like a man? If I ever was a man at all? Don’t you want to tell me that it will be all right? Even if you don’t have a fucking clue? How I need to get over it and move on? How about ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’? That was a particular favorite until I realized I’d died anyway.”
Bitterness and pain poured out in every word and Sean fought to find his voice. He’d sat on the cold floor for almost an hour after Viggo’s agonizing chronicle had trailed off into numb quiet and then exhausted sleep and he’d watched the struggle quietly continue even as the body demanded its respite. He’d shed his own tears then, anger and heartbreak clanging against each other in a torrent of futile and impotent rage against crimes long ago committed.
And their aftermath.
He’d fought to hold in his own distress, fearful of disturbing Viggo’s sleep, but he needn’t have worried. The other man’s fatigue was complete and he’d not stirred at all, not even when Sean had maneuvered out of his shirt and leaned across Viggo’s body to carefully drape it over his bare feet. Watching the signals of a racing brain working across his almost – almost -- peaceful face, Sean had forgotten about restraint and he’d gently stroked his fingers down the plane of a cheek, allowed his thumb to ease stress-drawn furrows.
All he’d fought against then was his instinct to protect him, to make him right. See him whole. He knew that was a mission not his own. But as he’d watched over Viggo as he’d slept, he’d promised not to fail him again.
And now this man -- this friend and love -- looked him in the eye and wanted to know if Sean wanted to know more.
“No,” he said, sure of his answer until he spoke it. And then, “There are no words, Viggo. No words for what was taken. Gods! I am so sorry for what was done. So sorry. Angry. And I feel a hate like nothing I’ve ever felt before.” He swallowed then, taking a moment to catch his breath and be sure he was in control of his voice. He played with the shirt, pulling it on quickly, hands yanking at the soft fabric as he settled it into place. “The fact that you went through that and are still the man you are – the remarkable, gentle, loving, beautiful man that you are – shows that he won nothing at all, Vig”.
Viggo stepped backward through the doorway, looking at Sean as though he was hearing a language he didn’t understand.
“How can you say that, Sean? About me? After what I did? I treated you just like he treated me.” His words were cold and flat and unassailable, signaling what he saw as a dénouement.
Green eyes bored into him then, Sean never giving any ground as he said evenly, “All right then, Viggo. I can’t have you not answer my other question any longer. Tell me about that night. Our night. Tell me what it was to you.”
Viggo looked at him long and hard, eyes like cold gray slate. Sean took a deep breath and pushed blindly.
“Well then? Tell it! You think you raped me? You think that is what that was?”
Viggo’s head snapped back at that word – black and white and cold in the air between them
“I took advantage. I-- used you.”
Sean raised an eyebrow, his expression cocky and confrontational.
“So you did. You raped me just like that bastard did to you!”
“He didn’t fucking rape me. I just—I was a goddamn idiot. I made a mistake – a lot of mistakes – and that’s what happened.”
“He raped you, Viggo,” said Sean, gentler now. “Don’t let him sidestep that. Good decisions or bad, he made decisions to hurt you, to gain your trust and then fuck you over, to terrorize you.”
“No,” said Viggo, an almost childish stubbornness settled on his face.
“It is somehow easier, love, to pretend that you own it all? That you drove what happened? And that it only happened because of your mistakes? That is what I hear and I don’t understand. Don’t make yourself into him. Please. Give yourself more than that.”
Sean realized that he had moved closer and wanted to reach for Viggo, wanted to understand a way to touch him, to somehow offer comfort without asking too much. The other man stood completely still and made no change to allow Sean closer. His arms remained wrapped around his torso, his hands clenched into tight fists.
“I raped you,” Viggo whispered brokenly, his eyes focused on the floor.
“Did you now? I can assure you that my virtue had already been taken, Viggo.” Sean tried a little levity, wishing for the days when humor had been so much easier to come by and such a hallmark of their relationship. Viggo continued as though he hadn’t heard.
“I’d wanted you for a long time, Sean. You know that. And I pushed so hard. Then. And before then, too. You told me to stop – that night – and I didn’t. Even if you hadn’t, I never should have-- You could have been happy… you were already in a relationship and—“
Sean interrupted, green eyes flashing with frustration and impatience.
“Viggo! Every relationship I’ve ever had – every one except those with me girls – has felt like a mistake. Except for what I’ve had with you, you stupid bastard. There was no other relationship. Not really. There was fucking and there was dating. Worked for her as well as it did for me.”
“At least with her you had some dating,” said the other man with a derisive snort. “With me not so much.”
Not quite sure that he may have just heard a joke, Sean gave Viggo a long disbelieving look, followed by a soft laugh when the other man finally looked at him a bit sheepishly. Sean moved close, taking his time about reaching out to stroke stray hair from Viggo’s forehead. No longer waiting for permission.
“You slept against me that night, Viggo. And everything was all right. And somewhere, sometime in the dark of that night, you made up your mind that it was all wrong. You’re scared, Viggo. I can see it now. And I am so very sorry that I didn’t see it before. I want to help you. I want to love you. I do love you, Viggo. Please. Let me in.”
Sean could see that Viggo was warring with himself, the levity of the moment before gone again. His head was shaking side to side slowly, his brow dimpled with worry and denial. Whatever memories and fears that Viggo had, they’d clearly been brushed against and were now more exposed that they’d ever been. He seemed almost panicked at this new vulnerability. Knowing he would never give up – could never give him up – Sean opted to retreat a little for the moment.
“Do you recall the sleep we shared that night, Viggo? You were so deeply asleep and I could only doze here and there, not wanting to stop looking at you, scared you would be gone again if I fell asleep. Just as you’d been gone when I woke up after so many, many dreams, Viggo. Those few hours… those were the only ones I ever spent where I was supposed to be. Where I am supposed to be.”
He was surprised to see a sad smile on the other man’s face as his words faded away with the memory. He felt sad and alone and then those blue eyes looked up at him under faint curves that tried to be eyebrows. And then Viggo softly asked him something he felt like he’d waited forever to hear.
“Will you sleep with me tonight, Sean? Like then?”
“Will you promise to be there when I wake up, Vig?”
The answering nod broke and restored his heart all at once.
no subject
Date: 2005-11-09 06:35 am (UTC)It must really take it out of you to write this sort of emotional stuff.
Another great chapter.
no subject
Date: 2005-11-09 06:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-09 06:48 am (UTC)That last line was so utterly perfect. I love this fic.
♥
no subject
Date: 2005-11-09 07:47 am (UTC)Love, love, love it.
xxx
no subject
Date: 2005-11-09 08:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-09 05:10 pm (UTC)OMG you are writing about me again, shegollum... Nothing like that ever happened to me, but I can relate to the reasoning, the "it's all my fault" thinking...
no subject
Date: 2005-11-09 08:08 pm (UTC)It´s wonderful what Sean says there. I think it´s good that over the whole story you showed that it´s not easy to heal. It was a bloody torture to read sometimes, I told you that, and to be honest, there was a point when I asked myself WHY the hell I read it, and I told myself, it´s because I know you´re good writer, but now I realised your skill with words is not the main reason. It´s that the development is so true - there is no false optimism in it and the end, though hopefully happy, is not a shallow lie as so many happy ends are...
no subject
Date: 2005-11-11 12:50 pm (UTC)“Will you sleep with me tonight, Sean? Like then?”
Oh!God!Finally!Vig!!
Waiting for more...