Mid-Life Crisis, fic

[govi20.livejournal.com]

Title : Mid-Life Crisis
Pairing : Sean/Viggo
Authors : mooms (Viggo) govi20 (Sean)

Rating : NC-17
Archiving: Rugbytackling, switch_bottoms, viggo_cursive

A.N. : Our mutual friend Terry gave us the idea for this fic. Thanks dear!

DISCLAIMER : It never happened, we made it all up!

Mid-Life Crisis

~Viggo~

I wake up in a pool of drool, with my face pressed against a hard, cold surface and realize that once again, I have fallen asleep on the studio floor, fully clothed, having painted for thirty six hours straight.

My throat is sore, from consuming way too many cigarettes and drinking too much whiskey and my rumbling stomach tells me I haven’t eaten in a while, but with Sean away filming, I tend to forget about mealtimes.

I stretch my cramped limbs and as I sit up, groggily, noticing that the whiff from my armpits would probably deter a charging rhino. I also notice that I feel strange. I feel………different ! Suddenly, I  know that there is something reprehensible about such irresponsible behaviour and that I actually mind smelling this way and regret not having eaten properly in days.

Looking round at the paint-splattered clutter, I suddenly have to fight the urge to tidy up and  when I catch sight of myself in the big, old pock-marked mirror leaning against the wall, I gasp.

I see a middle-aged man, badly in need of a sensible, neat haircut,  inappropriately dressed in torn, low-slung jeans, with a stained tee shirt, bearing a cartoon more appropriate to a teenager. My feet are bare, running a severe risk of getting splinters or even stubbing a toe painfully !

Shaking my head, I stumble to the bathroom, then to the kitchen, where I make myself a nutritious breakfast, while pondering why I have this desire to wash the car and mow the lawn.

I can’t stop myself from doing both, then I go upstairs and survey my wardrobe with dismay. Shaking my head, I begin to go through the bizarre collection.

Soon, having filled several rubbish sacks with clothes and polished my boots until I can see my face in them, I find myself driving to buy some new, tasteful clothes, carefully observing the speed limit.

Sean will be pleasantly surprised, I think. After all, he has always teased me about my criminal dress sense and begged me to get some decent suits ! Okay. Armani and Boss, here I come !

~Sean~ 


I drive home, looking forward to surprising Vig. He doesn’t expect me yet. I was supposed to be away for another two days, but things went well and we were thanked and send home. I purposely didn’t call him . I like surprising him.

Nothing better than dragging him out of his studio, or waking him up, or disturbing whatever he’s doing. With Viggo you never know. Unpredictable in a special way he is.

I can’t believe my eyes when I drive into the street. The lawn is mown, and that’s not all, it’s actually been done quite neatly. Definitely not Viggo! Since the lawnmower is not lying about somewhere in the garden, but is probably in the shed where it should be I am now sure it wasn’t Viggo doing the mowing !

Then I see his car, washed and polished, revealing it is black, while I was certain it was grey. What happened here? The only thing I can think of is he’s been having an affair, either with a woman – or worse – with a decent man.

I stride to the house, opening the front door and almost fall over the rubbish sacks standing neatly in a row. I carefully open one of them : paint streaked jeans and tee’s : Viggo’s! What the fuck?

My brain can only come up with one conclusion : he must be moving out. Secretly, while he thinks I am still gone. I feel my temper rising and when I hear a sound upstairs I can’t control myself.

“Viggo!!! Get the fuck downstairs!”

”Sean?” I hear him yelling in response and he’s running downstairs. I can’t believe my eyes when I see him. He’s had a haircut, he’s wearing an obviously very expensive suit – which isn’t even one of mine – and Italian shoes. Polished. No paint, nowhere.

He has showered, and I can smell the perfumed shower gel from where I stand. I am beyond words for a minute, but not for long.

“What the fuck’s going on here Vig?”

~Viggo~

I am just trying on my new clothes, when I hear an enraged roar from downstairs ! Either a wild boar is being buggered in the hallway, without sufficient lube, or Sean is home early and something has upset him !

Thrilled to have him home and excited to present the new me, I race downstairs to see him .

My pulse quickens at the sight of him, magnificently angry. He has adopted that aggressive stance, hands on hips, his eyes flashing and a glare that would stop most people in their tracks.

Although the welcome view causes the usual reaction in my pants, I am surprised to find that my immediate priority is not to throw him down and shag him senseless, but to drag him in off the doorstep, before the neighbours get a free show.

He is clearly surprised, too, as I yank him inside and slam the door, putting my finger to my lips.

“Shhh, Sean ! No need to make a public exhibition of ourselves !”

He is still angry, but now he is confused as well.

“ ‘An since when did you care about makin’ a public exhibition ? Now what the fuck is goin’ on ? “

“It’s the new me, Sean !” I give him a twirl.

“I thought you’d be pleased. You are always pretty scathing about my clothes. Well I’m a new man. And you will note that the house is clean, everything is put away in the right place and all the things you love to complain about are fixed. I am now an adult, responsible member of society. Sorry about the bags of old clothes. I meant to get rid of them tomorrow. You are early you know. Which has thrown out my schedule.”

Sean flops down onto the bottom stair and shakes his head. He doesn’t seem angry any more, just stunned.

“Schedule ?” he mutters, his brow furrowed deeply, “Viggo Mortensen now has a schedule ? Fuck, I need a bloody drink  !”

“Sorry Sean, it’s not 7pm yet ! Not time for drinks, I’m afraid, but I’ll make you a nice, soothing cup of tea, while you go and shower.”

Sean stumbles upstairs, still acting like a man, who has received a shock and as I put the kettle on, I hear another cry of anguish !

Guess he has gone into the bedroom and found the two pairs of matching stripy jamas I bought us ! I thought they’d be nice and cosy and you can’t be too careful at our age about catching chills !

~Sean~ 


I can’t believe what’s happening. For a moment I think this is one big joke, he is an actor after all. But no, the house is clean and tidy and it gets even worse when I get upstairs.

The bathroom shines and smells like fucking fake lemons, some kind of cleaning stuff I guess. With satisfaction I notice the muddy footsteps I leave on the immaculate floor.

I pull off my clothes and drop them where I go, walking into the bedroom, looking for my sweat pants and favourite Blades shirt. The sight of two horrible striped pyjama’s make me cry out and shiver with disgust.

This really pisses me off as we always sleep naked.... He got me into sleeping naked and I like it, now he wants me to wear pyjama’s like my Granddad did?

I try to ignore it and rummage in my cupboard for my things. Everything is neatly piled up and it’s easy to see that my pants and shirt are no longer there.

I walk onto the landing and listen : he’s in the kitchen, I can hear the clattering of teacups and spoons, while I long for a large cold beer. “He’s probably baking muffins or scones, ’ I think wryly, and call out again.

“Viggo, where are me pants and Blades shirt?”

He comes out of the kitchen and looks up warily.

“What would you want with those Sean? They’re old and frayed.”

“You’d better not have thrown them away Vig!”

“No Sean, I used them to polish the car.”

Rage surges up in me and I feel so murderous I even frighten myself. I turn around and head for the bedroom before I go downstairs and do something terrible.

It’s a great relief to open up the window and throw the pyjama’s out. It  has started to rain and it makes me feel a lot better. I go to the bathroom and step in the shower, determined to have my beer, a cigarette and a bag of crisps when I get downstairs.

And he’d better not try to stop me.

~Viggo~

I am humming as I make the tea, happy to have Sean home again. Even though his reaction to the new me is not quite what I had hoped for.

He is bellowing again and I am pleased that we are on different floors, when I have to tell him that I used his old Blades shirt and sweats to polish the car. I got a really good shine with them, much better than Mr Jones next door ! Our roses are far superior to his as well and  our vegetables make his look puny ! I may enter them in the local horticultural show this year

Sean is really going to have to curb that temper, as it can’t possibly be doing his blood pressure any good ! Never mind, I know that the hot tea will calm him down. Maybe I’ll bake a few scones as well.

I am somewhat startled to see items of clothing pass the window and sigh, as I recognise the sensible p-j’s. It is raining now and I decide to retrieve them later. Strange to think that I used to like running naked in the rain ! It’s a wonder I didn’t get pneumonia. Thankfully, I have lost the urge to shed my clothes at every opportunity, which was something else Sean used to tease me about, although he didn’t really seem to mind.

Hearing Sean stumping downstairs, I turn and am shocked that he is naked ! He does look pretty good, though, his dirty blonde hair damp from the shower and a determined look about him. My body reacts again. It’s kind of tempting to grab him and start a wrestling match, which will end with one of us bent over the kitchen counter, but that sort of thing is so unhygienic in a place used for food preparation. I don’t know what we were thinking, when we used to do that stuff.

Sean strides towards the refrigerator and I block his way.

“No beer, Sean, I told you, it’s too early and I really think you should put some clothes on . What if Mrs Jones pops round ? I mentioned to her that they might like to join us for bridge one evening and she seemed very keen.”

Oh oh, blood pressure alert again !

~Sean~ 


After showering, I go through my closet again, only to find Viggo’s been ironing my tees and jeans. Well, that’s enough : I’ve had it ! I will not lie on the couch with a neat fold in my jeans ! So I walk down stark naked, nothing he hasn’t seen or done before, even though he doesn’t seem to remember.

His eyes light up when raking my body and for a moment I think I have the old Vig back, but no. Instead he starts blocking my way to the fridge, saying it’s too early. He doesn’t even mumble any more! Next thing, he tells me to dress, because our boring neighbours may drop by for bridge!

Now I am a patient man, but even I have  got my limits. I grab his arm and pull him close to me. His nose almost pressed to mine, I speak loud and clear so he won’t misunderstand.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but I don’t like it. You’re fucking annoying me. Now get out of the way and let me drink my beer, or you’ll be sorry. And I don’t play bridge!”

He struggles, trying to free himself, but his breath is picking up. I know how much he likes a little wrestle for dominance, and his body does feel good rubbing against my naked body. I bend over and bite his earlobe, making him hiss. My free hand slides between us, and I start unbuttoning his suit. He closes his eyes and I know I’ve won.

“Um Sean, could we go to the bedroom for this? I’ve just mopped the floor!”

Fuck! And he’ll probably want the lights out too !

~Viggo~

I feel a little conflicted here. On the one hand, Sean is certainly hot, when he’s angry, even though I think he’s risking some sort of a seizure, but on the other, we need a sense of propriety here and the kitchen, in broad daylight is simply not the place for this.

In any case, I have mopped the floor this afternoon, so in spite of the enticing way he is biting my earlobe and unbuttoning my suit, I try to focus on getting him to the bedroom, the proper place for this type of activity.

When I mention this, he lets out another roar, shouts ,“Fuck the floor !” and proceeds to throw me  face-down on to it and rip my clothes off, as if this were an instruction, instead of an unnecessary expletive !  Doesn’t he know how much this suit cost , not to mention the shirt ? My protests that really, we should be folding them neatly seem to enrage him even further.

He seems to be shouting something about “fucking some sense into me”, which seems a little unfair, as I am trying to behave more sensibly than I have in years, well…ever, actually ! We should consider installing a swear-box, if he is going to carry on like this.

Somehow, he manages to hold me face down, while he opens the refrigerator and uncaps a bottle of beer. I yell, as he pours the icy cold stream down my back and it trickles into the cleft of my buttocks.

My thoughts on what would be the most effective cleaning agent for removing beer stains from hardwood floors and  expensive silk suits are hijacked by the feel of Sean’s tongue following the trail of beer down my spine.

But, I have to say that sense seems to fly out the window, when he parts my buttocks and his tongue wriggles in to lap the beer and I even resist the urge to tell him he should be drinking it out of a glass !

My cock is painfully hard and the friction it is receiving from the kitchen floor, as his attentions make me squirm, is driving me wild.

He roughly pulls me up onto my hands and knees and rams into me, with full force, causing me to swear now . Sean pistons in and out of me, like a crazy jack-hammer and we are both so caught up in the moment and are making too much noise to notice that we are not alone.

It is only as we climax loudly and my cum mixes with the beer on the floor, that I hear the crash/splat of a quiche dropped from nerveless fingers  and I look up to see the Jones’ horrified faces, peering through the glass of the kitchen door.

~Sean~ 


Aroused and angry at the same time I call out: “Fuck the floor”, and then realize that’s not such a bad idea. I wrestle him to the floor which is not very hard, as he seems to be careful not to wrinkle his suit. To avoid wrinkling his suit I start to rip it off, smothering his “Sean, let me at least fold it neatly” by pressing him face down on his precious mopped floor.

”I’ll be fucking some sense into you”, I shout. Fuck, he looks a lot better naked.. I place my foot on his neck to keep him there, while I grab a beer from the fridge and slosh it over his naked back. I bend down and lick my way down his spine. He and the beer both taste insanely good and I seemed to have succeeded in getting his attention. He’s squirming under my tongue and humps the floor.

The moments my tongue dives in his cleft and I start lapping up every little rivulet I can find he’s really lost. The wild bucking of his hips are making me even hornier. I grab him by the waist and pull him up until he’s on all fours.

Without any preparation – beer is not exactly a good lubricant – I just push into his body, through every resistance and he’s not protesting, pushing back at my punishing thrusts. My anger changing into bliss I let go, folding my hand around his cock till we both come, our cries mingling.

Then there’s a loud crash behind me and I turn around slowly. Bloody hell : I don’t think we’ll be playing bridge tonight!

~Viggo~

I freeze for a moment, then I can’t help but collapse in hysterical laughter and Sean, embarrassed at first and blushing very attractively, follows me.

We cling together on the kitchen floor and shriek until the tears are streaming down our faces.

Mr and Mrs Jones purse their lips in a disapproving picture of affronted, middle-aged, middle-class respectability and something just clicks in my head, like a light going on.

Suddenly I know that I can never be like them and I don’t even want to be. Whatever happened to me, making me crave normalcy and respectability has passed.

As the Joneses retire, their retreating backs bristling with righteous indignation, to remove us from their Christmas list, and most probably put their house on the market, we help each other up from the floor and go take a shower.

One thing leads to another and I end up fucking him against the tiles, then we dry off and fall into bed.

Sean has his good humour back again completely and we laugh, as he tells me that his first reaction was that I was having an affair, then that I had been abducted by aliens and replaced by a sensible, middle-aged man.

We conclude that it was some kind of mid-life crisis, prompted by my impending birthday and Sean promises that in future he’ll be more tolerant of my lovable quirks and bizarre behaviour. He even begs me not to throw away my old, paint-stained tee’s and jeans and insists that tomorrow, we burn the p-j’s.

It just shows that you don’t appreciate things until you lose them and I am sure he means it at the moment, while secretly wondering how long it will last. Anyway, I smirk to myself, as  it gives me plenty of ammunition to wind him up. I know more ways to make him mad now, and the possibilities are endless.

As I snuggle up to him, skin against skin, ready to go to sleep, the thought occurs to me that our kitchen floor is still covered with the mess we made and I can’t resist murmuring to Sean that maybe he should clean it up, as he caused it !

~Sean~ 


Of course it’s rather embarrassing and I feel my face turn red, but when Viggo starts to laugh I can’t help but join in. It’s really funny to look at their disapproving faces. Of course they must have suspected something, but to get a live performance is probably more than they wanted to witness.

I’ll have to find someone else to water the plants when we’re away I think, when I watch their accusing exodus. Viggo seems to snapped out of his, whatever it was and is back to his normal self, still laughing like a hyena. Perhaps we should thank the Joneses for that!

We go upstairs and share a nice hot shower and an even nicer hot fuck, before we go to bed. I tell Vig about my suspicions and he laughs again. I promise I’ll be a little more patient with his specific behaviour and not lose my temper so quickly, even though we still have to talk about me Blades shirt and sweatpants. Eventually we agree on burning those horrible pyjama’s he bought us.

I doze off and am almost asleep, when Vig whispers to me that we made a mess on the kitchen floor and I should go down and clean it, since I caused it. I am fully awake in a minute and sit up.

“Fuck the kitchen floor! Oh, I guess we already did....!

THE END

Comments

[alex-quine.livejournal.com]

oh I giggled...the matching stripey pyjamas are going to haunt me for a while...much fun. Thanks for posting.

[govi20.livejournal.com]

Thank you alex : much appreciated! Glad to have made you giggle... the stripey pyjamas came from mooms brain, some particular kink of hers I think!

[rotpunkt.livejournal.com]

I loved the moment when Sean thought Viggo must have an affair. The whole story was so funny because it shows ho hard it is to imagine Viggo as a clean-up-freak! I can understand that Sean was utterly confused!

[govi20.livejournal.com]

Yes, that must be quite disturbing, Viggo worried about making a mess! Thanks so much for the f/b rotpunkt. Very much appreciated as always!

[brigantine.livejournal.com]

I think Viggo'd been sniffing too much turpentine. Took a nice round with Sean to jog his damaged brain back into gear, poor twit. ;)

[govi20.livejournal.com]

Absolutely!! Thanks for reading and commenting.

[rifleman-s.livejournal.com]

"...and shriek until the tears are streaming down our faces."

I did just that!! Haven't laughed so long and hard in ages!!

What a glorious, wonderful piece of humour!!!

You got the contrast exactly right - Viggo becoming everything he's not, and "winding up" Sean to perfection.

Absolutely loved it!

*still giggling*

[govi20.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for reading and commenting. So glad it made you laugh!

[nanathecat.livejournal.com]

It makes me giggle a lot, since it's around 4 a.m. I have to force myself not to laugh out loud!

that his first reaction was that I was having an affair, then that I had been abducted by aliens and replaced by a sensible
LOL It's fun to see how Sean has found Viggo, but I can't deny the tidy Viggo is cute but very... strange! :D
I want to be their neighbour if the Jonese sold out their house...

[govi20.livejournal.com]

So would I Nana : thanks for reading and commenting!!