rugbytackle | Feb. 20th, 2004

(FIC) I Miss You SB/OB, SB/VM (1/1)

This fic is the sequel to "Feeling This" which is the entry right before this one in this LJ.

I Miss you

Warnings: Just Angst for this one.

Pairing: SB/OB, Sb/VM

Disclaimers: Don't own the boys, don't own the song. Prose is mine.

Archiving:

rugbytackle, OEAM, Mirromere, others ask and ye shall receive.

dedicated to elouisa and yehnica

[Bad username or unknown identity: ]

I Miss You
“Don't waste your time on me you're already
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)
don't waste your time on me you're already
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)”- Blink 182

Orli,
I don’t know where you are. I don’t know where I could mail this if I did. I know that you are living from house to house and even if I did find you I’m scared.
Scared that you’d just not recall what happened between us. Or worse, know it and want to forget it.
I don’t know why I would feel that way. After all, I, more than you; knew that it was a fleeting moment in time what we had between us.
I am older after all. I have done my share of suffering. I probably will do more before I die.
Maybe it was your youth. Or the fact that when you looked at me: You really looked at me. I knew, from the way that you wrapped your arms around me, that I was the only one in your mind at that point.
I hate to admit it, but I hadn’t felt that..wanted. That needed in an extremely long time. I won’t lie and say that I’m going to look longingly after you.
Well..maybe I’m lying to myself there. I do look to you fondly. I miss what could have been. I miss the what-if’s.
I don’t know why I’m bothering to even think about a night that is possibly better left off in memories rather than being brought into the nasty light of the present.
I just re-read this letter and have seen that at least three sentences being with “I don’t know”. I suppose that’s the point of this letter, isn’t it? That I don’t know whether I could have any emotions towards you after how we met. I don’t know whether it’s a stupid idea to go and seek you out and try to make a relationship of some sort with you.
I know that I can’t forget you. Despite my arrogant belief that you’d be gone from my life and I would be able to lock that interlude deep inside of me and in time it would be glossed over.
I forgot that despite everything I say or do otherwise, I’m always gonna be the one that will always bruise easily. Will always remember. Will always lay the flowers down by the grave of dead emotions and sentiments.
I’m not laying the blame at your feet. I’m stating a fact that I am trying to run away from.
It’s been two weeks. I am certain that I won’t ever see you again. I’m not going back to that house ever. I am slowly closing the door to that part of my life.
Whether I like it or not, I’m moving away from all of that. Dave was the last link to that sort of life. I think he knows that it’s time to change in a different direction.
I can be so adult about it, but it still leaves me with a longing sense for all that I felt that night.
I miss you. I want to stop thinking about you, but you haunt me. Even though all the marks have faded away and your scent is no longer in my clothes. I can’t stop.
I won’t cry. I won’t let this change the way I’m moving through life.
I just wanted to set this down on paper to see it, in harsh black and white so that I don’t bother hiding from it and pretend it never happened.
I miss you.
Sean.
~*~*~*~*~*~
He folded the two sheets of cream coloured paper and put them carefully in the envelope, his movements slow and almost ritualistic as he did so.
Once the sheets were safely inside, he lifted it to his lips and licked the edge of it before firmly pressing it down and shutting his words away forever.
Once that task had been finished, he took up his black pen and wrote-drew, rather- Orli’s full name and middle on the light cobalt envelope.
It took him as long as it had to compose the letter, but he didn’t care. It was important that he got everything done just right.
He couldn’t explain it, but there was a pressing need for all the pieces to fit together without a seam before he could move forwards with his life.
The calligraphy done, he stared at the envelope for several moments, recalling Orli’s scent, his voice, his eyes, the way his roughened skin felt under his fingers...every single thing about him that had entranced him that night.
He closed his eyes when it got too much for him. When a tear tried to escape his squeezed shut eyelids, he knew the time had come.
Standing up abruptly, he went over to the sink in the small flat. Grabbing the lighter lying on the counter, he lit the corner of the envelope and watched the flames greedily lick at the paper until they consumed half of it before he threw it in the aluminum basin, where he watched it burn.
He wanted to turn away and ignore the flames, but he forced himself to watch in silent stoicism, even though his heart was softly cracking in his chest.
He didn’t shed a tear when this happened. Not even when he saw the words: “Miss you..” be highlighted by the fire before they turned to ash.
He let the flames run their course and thoroughly burn everything before he even thought of turning the tap on and washing it all away.
Once the basin was clean, he put on his coat and exited his flat.
He needed to surprise Viggo with roses before he got home from work.
END