Ficlet, drabblish: Chart

[yehnica.livejournal.com]

I've been around for a while now but this is the first time I'm posting fiction. I must confess to being more than a bit hesitant because the quality level of the stories here is so high I'm afraid of not meeting the standarts.

Still, this is one of those stories that just won't leave you in peace unless you post them, so here goes nothing.*takes deep breath, crosses fingers*

There are warnings, so please, if blood and blades squick you do not read.


title: Chart
author: mormegil yehnica
pairing: Sean Bean/Viggo Mortensen
rating: R
warning: Self-injury. Yeah, that means blades and blood so consider yourself warned.
disclaimer: Well of course this isn't true. We've all seen both the boys starkers on screen, ever seen any scars?
notes: I didn't have the courage to ask anyone to beta this, so please forgive any mistakes or creative use of grammar.

*

'Hungry as an archway
Through which the troops have passed,
I stand in ruins behind you (...)'

L. Cohen, ‘Take This Longing

*

Sean's no stranger to temptation. It's preyed on him for longer than he can remember. Now is no exception. It lurks behind unlikely corners, stalks him from afar in stolen glances across catering tables. Challenges him to take, to steal, ravish, if he dares.

‘He fought bravely’, they'll say, honourably. To no avail.

Temptation is mutual, this much he knows. There have been signs. Not quite accidental touches; the breeze of a soft breath too close to his skin.

Sean fights temptation every waking hour, with every fibre of his being, all the while praying for a battle lost. He fights temptation, but not the blade. He never fights the blade.

The need is there always, like a song learnt long ago, humming the soundtrack of his life. It's welcome, a warm, comforting shelter found against all odds amid the wasteland.

He knows the drill by heart; identifies the first warnings, the vague unease, the light-headedness, within a second. The mute panic that ensues. A good half hour during which self-control is tested to its limits as he struggles not to hyperventilate, not to run, not to bang his head against walls. Win or lose, he doesn't care either way.

When it fades, giving way to a deceiving sense of relief, he feels almost pleasantly exhausted. But he knows better. There’s still the all too familiar feeling of unreality to deal with. And there's nowhere to go from there.

That's when he cuts. It’s either that or ending it. Because where he is, there's absolutely no reason to live.

The pain and the blood bring him back. In that first instant of searing pain when blade meets skin, it's like he's just learned how to breathe again. Oxygen. Light. Colour. Life.

*

Sean stands in his bathroom, holding on to the edge of the sink with his right hand. Three identical stripes of red adorn his left wrist, spiral down his hand and around his fingers, drip onto warm water. Crimson tears from a man who cannot cry.

*

This is the drill. This is his life. The scars are the record of his history. He can follow the trail of three divorces through the markings on his ribcage. His left calf talks of a time when he was so lonely he thought he could have died and no one would’ve noticed. Right above his hipbone, a lost love that will never be forgotten. And now, his wrist will forever bear witness to the glorious battle of wills he’d never meant to win in the first place.

*

Viggo hovers above Sean’s naked body, learning all there is to learn about him by kissing his way up a path of scars that leads inexorably towards his left arm. Once there, the kisses cease. His fingers trace the three red streaks. ‘These are fresh’, he thinks, and is overwhelmed by what it means. He closes his eyes for a moment, breathes one, two times, then lifts them to meet Sean's, silent and resigned where his own are bright and questioning.

“These are mine?” Viggo’s question doesn’t have much interrogation in it.

Sean smiles at all the emotions Viggo can put in a single phrase: tenderness, concern, curiosity. Being a simpler man, he settles for reassurance. “These are yours.”

Comments

[cinzia.livejournal.com]

I really, really liked this--a lyrical story, and very powerful. The last paragraph hurts, like a cut, but in a sweet way. (I loved especially the repetition"These are mine?"/"These are yours": gorgeous.)

Great fic! :)

[yehnica.livejournal.com]

*g* Thanks!

The last paragraph hurts, like a cut, but in a sweet way.

I'm glad you felt that, I meant it that way but I was worried it might not have come across.

Thanks for reading,
mormegil.

[delphynn.livejournal.com]

Very well done.

Powerfully lyric. and yet gritty. Nice balance.

[yehnica.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.

mormegil.

[moldava.livejournal.com]

Wow, I almost didn't read this because of the blood/blade warning but I'm glad I risked it.
A very complex concept and beautifully developed

I'd like to friend you if it's ok with you and if you're mormegil on the mailing lists too I still owe you thanks for most beautiful feedback

[yehnica.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you did read it. Thanks for taking the chance and for the lovely fb.

[seleneheart]

Little scary with the warnings, but it turned out to be nicely balanced.

[yehnica.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I tried to make it balanced but wasn't sure about the results, hence the warnings.

Thanks for letting me know,
mormegil.

[rinsbane.livejournal.com]

I like this, particularly the end with Viggo's simple question and Sean's simple acknowledgment. The simplicity is a very good contrast to the blood and emotion behind it. Lovely imagery. Write and post more!

[yehnica.livejournal.com]

Glad you liked it, thanks!

[atanvarne-lj.livejournal.com]

I must confess to being more than a bit hesitant because the quality level of the stories here is so high I'm afraid of not meeting the standards.

No, no, no (says the official list coward)! Please don't be afraid to try new things, new ways of writing, different takes on familiar themes. We learn from each other and we learn by doing. I can't write such emotional pieces, I simply do not know how. Nor am I any good at writing sex scenes, but I'll write them and post them knowing that the community will understand that this is a lifelong learning process. Thank you for sharing this.

[yehnica.livejournal.com]

Thank *you* for the support! I will keep writing, just slowly and erratically which is the only way I know how.

Thanks again,

mormegil.