New Beginnings Part 5: SB/VM
Apr. 2nd, 2003 05:12 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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rugbytackleTitle: New Beginnings Part 5
Author email: ladymoonray@yahoo.com
Pairing: Sean B/Viggo
Rating: PG this part
Summary: Viggo talks to Sean
Feedback: Please
Disclaimer: I made it up. Promise. I am not suggesting this ever happened.
Archiving: BTF and my site only please.
Notes: Many thanks to the lovely people who sent feedback on Part 4. Your comments were very helpful. This is for Cinzia and Gloria.
You can read Parts 1-4 here.
Part 5
Viggo woke when the sun finally peeked through the clouds. It was struggling, rather than streaming, through the rain-spattered windows. Typical London.
He decided against waking Sean just yet. Instead, he slid out of bed and dressed quietly. In the kitchen area, he surveyed the blank white cupboards with some dismay. Viggo opened a few at random, looking for the fridge. They were all fairly empty – even the fridge, when he finally found it.
"I usually go out for breakfast." Sean wandered in, looking sleepy and rather unhappy.
"You don't really live here, do you Sean?"
Sean looked up, startled.
"What? Well…..no, I suppose not." Now his eyes were downcast.
"I don't really live here. I just exist. Survive. It's not my home. I don't seem to have one of those."
Viggo touched his arm gently.
"So do something about it."
Sean opened his mouth to say something.
"Sorry, but it IS that easy. Find someone to look for you. Tell them specifically what you want. Get them to draw up a shortlist. Then go and look, and keep looking until you find the right place. Get a lawyer to handle the rest. This apartment is NOT you, Sean. It's too modern. And soulless."
" Shut up, Viggo. I know you’re trying to help, but you're confusing me.”
Sean pulled out one of the hard kitchen chairs, and sat down.
"I have to be on stage again in a few hours, and I can't do it unless you tell me why you're here."
So the time had come. They'd have to talk, and sort things out. Viggo's mouth went dry.
"OK. I understand, but I don't want to talk here. Can we go out in the car?"
"No."
Viggo was taken aback.
"I hate driving around with you. It brings back confusing memories. We either talk here, or we go for a walk. But I'm not getting in the car."
Defiant Sean. Well, that was going to make things more interesting. Viggo almost trembled. He'd been banking on dealing with submissive Sean, and although part of the plan included provoking him into seeing what a doormat he'd been, Viggo was counting on doing so on his own terms.
"OK, we'll walk. I want to get some air."
Sean disappeared back into the bedroom for a couple of minutes. He returned with waterproof jackets, gloves and scarves for both of them.
"Dressing me in borrowed robes now?"
"Oh fuck off."
At least Sean was smiling.
"Not much of a ranger, are you? Who comes to London at this time of year without any warm clothes?"
Viggo just grinned. He was used to that kind of comment.
They took the lift down to the basement car park. Sean pushed open a little door at the side, and they emerged into the weak sunlight. Sean led the way down an alleyway, which joined a wide path next to the river. They automatically turned upstream, to put the wind at their backs.
"OK, talk."
Viggo took a deep breath. He knew this was important, and he'd flown thousands of miles to do it. But now the moment had come, he had no idea what to say.
"I'm sorry."
Sean looked frustrated.
"Sorry for what, exactly? You've got to try harder than that. If we're going to have a future, I need to know what's going on in your head. Because I will NOT have a relationship with someone who will try to hurt me just for spending a bit of time on my family, and wander off at airports without even saying goodbye. "
Defiant Sean again, this time with a rehearsed speech. Help.
"OK, I'm sorry for using you. For behaving so badly and being so jealous. For hurting you deliberately, and for being thoughtless. And I'm sorry for just walking off and leaving you at the airport. I don't expect you to believe this, but I felt sick when you left."
Sean opened his mouth to say something, but Viggo interrupted him.
"No, let me finish. I'm trying to tell you what I know. I don't know much, but what I understand, you should understand."
Sean stopped and leaned over the railings, staring at the river. It was an unattractive muddy green/brown colour, flowing fast and being whipped into peaks by the wind. Viggo thought it was a most appropriate setting for the discussion he was making such a mess of. He stopped next to Sean, and let the wind take his words.
"I didn't want to hurt you. Not really."
"So why did you, then? You got very bloody good at it, by the end."
Ouch. Viggo knew he deserved it, but somehow he wasn't ready to hear that. He was tempted to give up. It was all going wrong already, and he'd hardly started to explain. He sighed, and moved behind Sean, resting his head on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry. I know it's not enough, but I really am. I don't know why I became such a bastard. There was just something about you. About us. In that beautiful country, away from everything. And you…. You let me do it."
"I what?"
Sean spun round, pushing Viggo away roughly, and glared. Viggo didn't move back.
"Are you suggesting that your behaviour was somehow my fault?"
"No. No, of course it wasn't. But you let me do it. That was intriguing. And I stupidly let myself continue. I knew it wasn't healthy for us, but it was too tempting. And I regret it. I really, really regret it."
Viggo reached out, trying to show how sorry he was.
But Sean pushed him away again.
"Get off. Don't touch me."
He walked away.
It seemed like the end of everything to Viggo. He was crippled, standing there by the water. He couldn't breathe properly, and his legs wouldn't work well enough to let him run after Sean. He didn't think there was much point anyway. He'd been too honest, and unintentionally made things worse.
He turned to lean on the railings, resting his head in his hands.
Viggo had no idea how long he'd been staring at the water, but he turned when he heard footsteps behind him.
Trust Sean to come back for him.
"Come on, we need to eat. Let's get breakfast, and I'll try to listen."
Viggo could breathe again. Just.
They walked on, in cold and silence, until Sean turned suddenly away from the river and into an alleyway. They emerged into a cobbled street. Facing them was a tatty-looking café. The walls were peeling, and the paintwork was dull. But the place was full of people; always a good sign. Viggo was starving and was more than happy to give it a try. Sean seemed doubtful.
“I’ve never been here before.”
But Viggo was already opening the door.
They sat by the window, and ordered food without really thinking too hard about it. Sean put his menu down when the waitress had gone. He sat back and looked at Viggo.
“Go on.”
"I'll try. I know you don't want to hear this, but the way you behaved really didn't help. I started out trying to push you, see how far you'd let me go. But you never…once…told me to stop. It started out as a little bit of domination: a coping strategy. I didn't have much control over my work, and I'm not used to putting up with that for such a long period. But you let me dominate you, and I loved it.
So I tried a bit harder to hurt you, and you still let me do it. Once I'd started, I didn't know how to stop. That's all. I don't know what else I can say, except that I'm sorry. I knew it was wrong, and I knew it had to end. That's why I walked away from you in that hotel. It was the only way I knew how to stop before I did something really bad."
Viggo shut up when the waitress arrived with their food. He was desperate to see Sean's eyes, but he couldn't. Sean picked up his fork, and started pushing things around his plate.
"Sean, I have to know something. Why did you let me treat you like that? You knew it was wrong, just as much as I did. Why didn't you try to stop me?
"You really don't know?"
"No. But I want to."
"Because I would have done anything to keep you. Anything at all. I thought if I fought back or walked away, it would be over. Like when you hit me the first time, and you ignored me for days. I wanted to die then. I just couldn't risk it happening again."
Sean was still playing with his food.
"And now can I ask you something?"
"Of course."
"Why now? What's changed? Why are you here?"
"Sean, I know that what I was doing was wrong. I knew it while we were together, and I felt it desperately when we separated. But it's taken me this long to find the courage to come and talk to you about it. I want to start again. But it will only work if you forgive me, and if we do things differently this time. We have to be equals, or nothing will change. I won't push you around, and I certainly won't try to hurt you any more. But you have to be different too, or we still won't have a proper relationship. I want you to have what you want from this, too."
Sean still wouldn't look up. Viggo decided it was time to shut up. He'd said his piece, and if it wasn't enough, nothing would be.
His food was a bit cold and greasy, but he ate it anyway. It was surprisingly tasteless.
They wandered back in silence, along deserted streets. In the flat, Sean threw himself down on the sofa, and at last looked up at Viggo. He didn't smile.
"OK. I forgive you. We start again. Now come here."
Viggo stepped forward. And stopped.
"No, Sean. That's not good enough, and you know it. We're not starting where we left off. We have to start again. Otherwise it will all go wrong."
He turned away, and went to fetch the few things he'd brought with him.
"Where are you going? Don't leave! Please?"
Sean was frantic, and Viggo was relieved about that. But he was also determined. As he headed for the door, Sean threw himself in front of it.
"Please let me past. I'm not going far – just to a hotel for a couple of nights. To give you time to think."
"I don't WANT time to think! I want you to stay here. We've already started again, and you know it's working. I just want to hold on to the new you. Please?"
Sean was leaning forward, trying to catch Viggo's face and make their eyes meet. But Viggo knew he couldn't allow that. If he did, he'd stay. And then it would all go wrong again.
"Yes, there's a new me. Sean, I've changed. You've seen that. But you have to change too. There has to be a new you. You have to think about what I've said, and you have to find a way to be yourself around me. Because if either of us slips back, we're lost. And this is too important to me to lose."
Viggo struggled to find the strength to leave.
"Now let me go. I'll be back the day after tomorrow. I promise."
Still without looking him in the eye, Viggo pushed Sean aside as gently as he could, and stepped out of the apartment. To his relief, Sean didn't follow.
Author email: ladymoonray@yahoo.com
Pairing: Sean B/Viggo
Rating: PG this part
Summary: Viggo talks to Sean
Feedback: Please
Disclaimer: I made it up. Promise. I am not suggesting this ever happened.
Archiving: BTF and my site only please.
Notes: Many thanks to the lovely people who sent feedback on Part 4. Your comments were very helpful. This is for Cinzia and Gloria.
You can read Parts 1-4 here.
Part 5
Viggo woke when the sun finally peeked through the clouds. It was struggling, rather than streaming, through the rain-spattered windows. Typical London.
He decided against waking Sean just yet. Instead, he slid out of bed and dressed quietly. In the kitchen area, he surveyed the blank white cupboards with some dismay. Viggo opened a few at random, looking for the fridge. They were all fairly empty – even the fridge, when he finally found it.
"I usually go out for breakfast." Sean wandered in, looking sleepy and rather unhappy.
"You don't really live here, do you Sean?"
Sean looked up, startled.
"What? Well…..no, I suppose not." Now his eyes were downcast.
"I don't really live here. I just exist. Survive. It's not my home. I don't seem to have one of those."
Viggo touched his arm gently.
"So do something about it."
Sean opened his mouth to say something.
"Sorry, but it IS that easy. Find someone to look for you. Tell them specifically what you want. Get them to draw up a shortlist. Then go and look, and keep looking until you find the right place. Get a lawyer to handle the rest. This apartment is NOT you, Sean. It's too modern. And soulless."
" Shut up, Viggo. I know you’re trying to help, but you're confusing me.”
Sean pulled out one of the hard kitchen chairs, and sat down.
"I have to be on stage again in a few hours, and I can't do it unless you tell me why you're here."
So the time had come. They'd have to talk, and sort things out. Viggo's mouth went dry.
"OK. I understand, but I don't want to talk here. Can we go out in the car?"
"No."
Viggo was taken aback.
"I hate driving around with you. It brings back confusing memories. We either talk here, or we go for a walk. But I'm not getting in the car."
Defiant Sean. Well, that was going to make things more interesting. Viggo almost trembled. He'd been banking on dealing with submissive Sean, and although part of the plan included provoking him into seeing what a doormat he'd been, Viggo was counting on doing so on his own terms.
"OK, we'll walk. I want to get some air."
Sean disappeared back into the bedroom for a couple of minutes. He returned with waterproof jackets, gloves and scarves for both of them.
"Dressing me in borrowed robes now?"
"Oh fuck off."
At least Sean was smiling.
"Not much of a ranger, are you? Who comes to London at this time of year without any warm clothes?"
Viggo just grinned. He was used to that kind of comment.
They took the lift down to the basement car park. Sean pushed open a little door at the side, and they emerged into the weak sunlight. Sean led the way down an alleyway, which joined a wide path next to the river. They automatically turned upstream, to put the wind at their backs.
"OK, talk."
Viggo took a deep breath. He knew this was important, and he'd flown thousands of miles to do it. But now the moment had come, he had no idea what to say.
"I'm sorry."
Sean looked frustrated.
"Sorry for what, exactly? You've got to try harder than that. If we're going to have a future, I need to know what's going on in your head. Because I will NOT have a relationship with someone who will try to hurt me just for spending a bit of time on my family, and wander off at airports without even saying goodbye. "
Defiant Sean again, this time with a rehearsed speech. Help.
"OK, I'm sorry for using you. For behaving so badly and being so jealous. For hurting you deliberately, and for being thoughtless. And I'm sorry for just walking off and leaving you at the airport. I don't expect you to believe this, but I felt sick when you left."
Sean opened his mouth to say something, but Viggo interrupted him.
"No, let me finish. I'm trying to tell you what I know. I don't know much, but what I understand, you should understand."
Sean stopped and leaned over the railings, staring at the river. It was an unattractive muddy green/brown colour, flowing fast and being whipped into peaks by the wind. Viggo thought it was a most appropriate setting for the discussion he was making such a mess of. He stopped next to Sean, and let the wind take his words.
"I didn't want to hurt you. Not really."
"So why did you, then? You got very bloody good at it, by the end."
Ouch. Viggo knew he deserved it, but somehow he wasn't ready to hear that. He was tempted to give up. It was all going wrong already, and he'd hardly started to explain. He sighed, and moved behind Sean, resting his head on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry. I know it's not enough, but I really am. I don't know why I became such a bastard. There was just something about you. About us. In that beautiful country, away from everything. And you…. You let me do it."
"I what?"
Sean spun round, pushing Viggo away roughly, and glared. Viggo didn't move back.
"Are you suggesting that your behaviour was somehow my fault?"
"No. No, of course it wasn't. But you let me do it. That was intriguing. And I stupidly let myself continue. I knew it wasn't healthy for us, but it was too tempting. And I regret it. I really, really regret it."
Viggo reached out, trying to show how sorry he was.
But Sean pushed him away again.
"Get off. Don't touch me."
He walked away.
It seemed like the end of everything to Viggo. He was crippled, standing there by the water. He couldn't breathe properly, and his legs wouldn't work well enough to let him run after Sean. He didn't think there was much point anyway. He'd been too honest, and unintentionally made things worse.
He turned to lean on the railings, resting his head in his hands.
Viggo had no idea how long he'd been staring at the water, but he turned when he heard footsteps behind him.
Trust Sean to come back for him.
"Come on, we need to eat. Let's get breakfast, and I'll try to listen."
Viggo could breathe again. Just.
They walked on, in cold and silence, until Sean turned suddenly away from the river and into an alleyway. They emerged into a cobbled street. Facing them was a tatty-looking café. The walls were peeling, and the paintwork was dull. But the place was full of people; always a good sign. Viggo was starving and was more than happy to give it a try. Sean seemed doubtful.
“I’ve never been here before.”
But Viggo was already opening the door.
They sat by the window, and ordered food without really thinking too hard about it. Sean put his menu down when the waitress had gone. He sat back and looked at Viggo.
“Go on.”
"I'll try. I know you don't want to hear this, but the way you behaved really didn't help. I started out trying to push you, see how far you'd let me go. But you never…once…told me to stop. It started out as a little bit of domination: a coping strategy. I didn't have much control over my work, and I'm not used to putting up with that for such a long period. But you let me dominate you, and I loved it.
So I tried a bit harder to hurt you, and you still let me do it. Once I'd started, I didn't know how to stop. That's all. I don't know what else I can say, except that I'm sorry. I knew it was wrong, and I knew it had to end. That's why I walked away from you in that hotel. It was the only way I knew how to stop before I did something really bad."
Viggo shut up when the waitress arrived with their food. He was desperate to see Sean's eyes, but he couldn't. Sean picked up his fork, and started pushing things around his plate.
"Sean, I have to know something. Why did you let me treat you like that? You knew it was wrong, just as much as I did. Why didn't you try to stop me?
"You really don't know?"
"No. But I want to."
"Because I would have done anything to keep you. Anything at all. I thought if I fought back or walked away, it would be over. Like when you hit me the first time, and you ignored me for days. I wanted to die then. I just couldn't risk it happening again."
Sean was still playing with his food.
"And now can I ask you something?"
"Of course."
"Why now? What's changed? Why are you here?"
"Sean, I know that what I was doing was wrong. I knew it while we were together, and I felt it desperately when we separated. But it's taken me this long to find the courage to come and talk to you about it. I want to start again. But it will only work if you forgive me, and if we do things differently this time. We have to be equals, or nothing will change. I won't push you around, and I certainly won't try to hurt you any more. But you have to be different too, or we still won't have a proper relationship. I want you to have what you want from this, too."
Sean still wouldn't look up. Viggo decided it was time to shut up. He'd said his piece, and if it wasn't enough, nothing would be.
His food was a bit cold and greasy, but he ate it anyway. It was surprisingly tasteless.
They wandered back in silence, along deserted streets. In the flat, Sean threw himself down on the sofa, and at last looked up at Viggo. He didn't smile.
"OK. I forgive you. We start again. Now come here."
Viggo stepped forward. And stopped.
"No, Sean. That's not good enough, and you know it. We're not starting where we left off. We have to start again. Otherwise it will all go wrong."
He turned away, and went to fetch the few things he'd brought with him.
"Where are you going? Don't leave! Please?"
Sean was frantic, and Viggo was relieved about that. But he was also determined. As he headed for the door, Sean threw himself in front of it.
"Please let me past. I'm not going far – just to a hotel for a couple of nights. To give you time to think."
"I don't WANT time to think! I want you to stay here. We've already started again, and you know it's working. I just want to hold on to the new you. Please?"
Sean was leaning forward, trying to catch Viggo's face and make their eyes meet. But Viggo knew he couldn't allow that. If he did, he'd stay. And then it would all go wrong again.
"Yes, there's a new me. Sean, I've changed. You've seen that. But you have to change too. There has to be a new you. You have to think about what I've said, and you have to find a way to be yourself around me. Because if either of us slips back, we're lost. And this is too important to me to lose."
Viggo struggled to find the strength to leave.
"Now let me go. I'll be back the day after tomorrow. I promise."
Still without looking him in the eye, Viggo pushed Sean aside as gently as he could, and stepped out of the apartment. To his relief, Sean didn't follow.
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no subject
Date: 2003-04-02 08:58 am (UTC)But you know, I'm still kind of irked with Viggo... one way or another, he always wants things his way: like walking away from Sean, no matter what Sean wanted. I must say, I'm glad Viggo's hurting as well. He deserves it. Sean needs to kick Viggo's sorry arse a bit...
...ahem. Maybe I'm a little too caught up in this fic. ;) Once again, I'm looking forward to the next chapter! They need a happy ending more than ever. *hugs you*
Re:
Date: 2003-04-03 03:10 am (UTC)I'm so glad we did the research trip, though :)
no subject
Date: 2003-04-02 10:41 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-04-03 03:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-02 04:52 pm (UTC)This better have a happy ending. //threatening
Re:
Date: 2003-04-03 03:22 am (UTC)Thanks for reading, anyway.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-02 09:43 pm (UTC)Really hate this Viggo, but in a good way. *gives Viggo a good, swift kick in the rear*
Bad Viggo,pretending to let Sean make decisions while really forcing him into them.
But Sean does suffer so prettily.
Can't wait for the next bit!
Re:
Date: 2003-04-03 03:34 am (UTC)new beginnings
Date: 2003-05-23 09:09 am (UTC)Re: new beginnings
Date: 2003-05-23 11:45 am (UTC)Re: new beginnings
Date: 2003-05-25 09:43 am (UTC)