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rugbytacklePromise Not To Love Me
By Alexa Bond 1/16/03
Disclaimer: This never happened unless I have psychic powers and can change the past, present and future. Any likeness to real characters is all in your mind, nothing more. This is fiction, made up, never happened, not real….you want that in other languages as well? *LOL*
I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money off it.
Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
Timeline: Set during and after the filming of LOTR.
Universe: LOTR RPS
Romance: SB/OB, (SB/VM to appear in later parts of this series. I say again: NO SB/VM in this part but it will end up as a SB/VM fic and Viggo will appear in the next part. You do, however, need to read this to enjoy the rest of this, fairly long, series. Please bear with me; SB/VM in next part! Promise!)
Summary: Don’t ever fall in love.
Archiving: List archive and Green Opals [http://greenopals.50megs.com/] may take it; others please ask.
Feedback: Yes, please. If you want more fics that is *LOL*. My e-mail address is alexabond2000@yahoo.com
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: RPS
Series: Part 1 in “This Thing Called Love”.
Author’s notes: Thanks to Witchy for great beta and kind suggestions. Great thanks to Joelle for additional beta.
* * *
“I love you.”
As soon as the words were out of his mouth he regretted them. He felt Orli’s arms release their hold around him, felt Orli’s warmth disappear as he drew away and pulled as far away from him as he could on Sean’s little sofa. Orli pulled his legs up under himself and put his arms around them, drawing his knees close to his chest. His eyes were shadowed, and he was chewing on his lower lip as he always did when he was troubled.
God damn it, Sean swore silently. Why had he said those words? Had he ruined everything now? Was this another rule he didn’t know about? Again, as so many times before, he wondered if the many rules Orli had put on their several month old relationship were common for relationships between men or if it was just Orli’s rules. Sean wasn’t sure; he had never been with another man before Orli. He didn’t consider himself gay just because he was with Orli. Orli was just….Orli. He really couldn’t be labeled as much of anything, he was far too unique, and in Sean’s eyes, special because of that.
“Why did you say that?” Orli’s voice was filled with accusations, his eyes full of hurt as he looked into Sean’s confused green ones. Sean wasn’t sure how to answer that; he wasn’t even sure what to do. He wanted to move closer to Orli, take him back into his embrace, but he dared not.
“Why?” Sean repeated the question, hoping to buy himself some time. Why had he said those words? Because Orli had felt so good lying in his embrace while they had absentmindedly watched a football match on the telly? Because the air had been warm, it had been a great day, and he was feeling dozy? There had been a blanket of comfort around his soul and mind, had it made him careless with the words he let pass his lips?
“Why not?” Sean shrugged as he answered the question with another, desperately trying to save what was left of his dignity. Their relationship had been played out by Orli’s rules from day one. There were so many of them, Sean had jokingly asked him if he couldn't just send him a list. Orli had been very clear that he wanted to stay in charge, that he should always make the first move. So, Sean would spend most of his days talking with Viggo, wondering where Orli was. At times he'd interrupt one of Viggo’s babblings to ask what he thought of Orli and his acting, and other innocent Orli-related topics. He'd say anything to just get the conversation back to Orli. At night, Orli would come to Sean’s place and spend the night there; he would always depart before dawn, leaving Sean feeling…empty and abandoned somehow.
“That’s not an answer,” Orli’s voice was hurt and hard as he stood up. Sean stood as well, walking the other way around the sofa. He caught up with Orli as he went into Sean’s kitchen to get a beer. He handed one to Sean as well before he turned back to face him, obviously still waiting for an answer.
“Maybe I meant it,” Sean tried carefully, praying to whatever Gods were listening that he wasn’t just setting himself up for more heartache.
“No, you didn’t,” Orli’s voice was sharp as he put the half empty beer bottle on the table and all but ran out of the kitchen. Confusion was turning into anger as Sean stormed after him. He got a hold of Orli’s arm and forced him to stop and turn around to face him.
“And why the hell not? What do you know about my feelings anyway?” Sean was aware his voice was rising to a shout, was aware that he was breaking yet another of Orli’s rules: the never yell at me rule. 'Rule number 22 to be exact,' a cynical voice in Sean’s head reminded him as Orli tore his arm free from his grasp.
“Never touch me without asking me first! And never yell at me!” Orli’s eyes were blazing, burning, hotter than lava, but somewhere behind the anger Sean thought he saw a flicker of something…deeper…something shattering.
“Fine!” Sean threw his hands up into the air and stepped back, creating some distance between them. For a few seconds, neither spoke. Sean’s eyes followed Orli’s movements as he massaged the arm he had stopped him by. Surely he hadn’t gotten that hard a grip on him that he had bruised him? Concern filled his eyes and cooled his anger.
“Sorry,” Sean said softly, his voice low. He saw some of the fire leave Orli’s eyes, but they remained guarded, so Sean maintained his distance. Orli nodded, accepting his apology.
“You gave me a promise,” Orli said softly. Sean frowned. He had? He tried to remember, but nothing came to mind. “The day I asked you… the first day we were together,” Orli reminded him as he saw the confused look in Sean’s green eyes. Recognition stuck, and Sean drew a deep breath.
“You can’t go by that,” Sean protested, shaking his head in denial. This was completely insane. Surely he wouldn’t…
“You promised me. How can I be with you if I can’t trust your word?” the words weren’t angry but sad, hurt and filled with disappointment.
“But…” Sean wasn’t sure what to say, too dumbstruck to do much of anything.
“I’m sorry, Sean but this is just not working out,” Orli’s voice had regained its strength and his eyes bore into Sean’s, unmoving, unblinking.
“Now, wait just a…” Sean protested but before he could say another word Orli turned on his heels and he was out the front door, leaving a deafening silence in the room. Only his pride and confusion stopped Sean from storming after him.
'What the hell just happened?' Sean wondered, confused. One minute he had felt like he was in heaven, and the next he was alone, abandoned… broken. What had he done wrong? No, he didn’t need to ask that; he knew what he had done. The promise he should never have made, he had broken it. With those careless words, those words his heart had spoken before his mind had stopped him…. those words had ruined it all.
He shook his head as he went to the kitchen and drained the rest of his beer. He needed to get drunk tonight; he didn’t want to think about how fucked up this whole thing had been from the start. He should have noticed something was wrong with all those bloody rules, more rules than the royal family put together! And that promise…that stupid, stupid promise….He had given his word then, it had been way too early for him to have such deep feelings towards Orli, and he hadn’t thought more about it.
Maybe it was his time with Viggo, but whatever it was, he had begun to think more about things, more about others‘ emotions, motives and actions. He had especially thought a lot about Orli, about his rules and the promise he had more or less forced him to give before they had even started a relationship. There could be a lot of reasons why Orli wanted to play it this way; self-protection maybe? Maybe he had been hurt in the past, was afraid to open up. Maybe someone had used him, abused him and taken advantage of his love. Maybe this was just the way he played the game. Or maybe, as Sean was sure of in his darkest hours and especially hours like this one, Orli simply didn’t have any emotions involved in this relationship and didn’t want Sean’s emotions to get in the way.
Relationships had never been a bed of roses for Sean, but this relationship took the prize as the most unusual and fucked up one that he had ever had to date. What person didn’t want to hear the words ‘I love you‘? Hell, what kind of person ran away when they were spoken? Was it because he didn’t believe them? Or didn’t he want to believe them? What kind of person ran away from love? Maybe he was someone who desperately sought out love, but believed that he would never find it. Or maybe he was someone who didn’t care for love at all. Sean had hoped he could have helped Orli see that he was worth everything he had; the fame, the money, the attention and yes, the love. However, Orli had never reached out to him; his shields had stayed up, his rules had been followed all the way through…. until today. Sean wasn’t sure if that meant he was right in hoping Orli did want more from him than a pleasant distraction, or had he just proven that his cynical mind was right?
Sean shook his head, trying to clear it of all the questions. It didn’t matter anyway. Orli was gone, gone for good. He had lost him as he had lost so many lovers before him, only this time he truly had no idea what he had done wrong. Unbidden, Orli’s voice came back to him from that first day that had started it all;
“Before we do anything I need you to promise me something…Promise not to love me.”
Sean had grinned at him then, grinned at his seriousness in asking such an absurd question when they hadn’t even started a relationship yet, but he had agreed. Maybe that had been a mistake. Should he have said no? Or maybe the mistake was to say the words? Or maybe the mistake was the love he felt for him?
This was confusing. Sean felt a headache coming on, and he knew it was only a matter of time before heartache would follow, just as soon as his foolish heart ceased hoping for Orli to walk back through the front door and explain everything to him.
Sean opened a new beer, knowing he would need something to dull the ache beginning in his heart. It was an ache that would only grow with time. Promise not to love me, he had asked. Sean took a large swallow of his beer, not tasting it.
“Promise not to love me…easy for him to say, “ Sean mumbled darkly. Had he any idea how beautiful he was? How graceful? How much just one smile from him could make Sean melt? Did he know that Sean loved more than just his outer beauty, but his wildness, his youth, his enthusiasm, his humor, his grace, his laughter…yeah, fuck, he could even learn to love his damn rules if that was what it took.
“Promise not to love me.”
Orli’s words kept hanging in the air, haunting and mocking him, reminding him that it was too late.
Promise not to love him….that was as easy as promising not to breathe.
The End
Author’s notes:
This series will continue in “Pride Is A 5 Letter Word For Pain”.
More SB/OB in the next part and for those of you who’re waiting for the promised SB/VM action then it will also come in later parts; already starting to show up in the next part. Be a bit patient. This is a fairly long series (for me anyway *grins*). I hope you’ll enjoy it.
Thanks for your time and understanding.
By Alexa Bond 1/16/03
Disclaimer: This never happened unless I have psychic powers and can change the past, present and future. Any likeness to real characters is all in your mind, nothing more. This is fiction, made up, never happened, not real….you want that in other languages as well? *LOL*
I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money off it.
Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
Timeline: Set during and after the filming of LOTR.
Universe: LOTR RPS
Romance: SB/OB, (SB/VM to appear in later parts of this series. I say again: NO SB/VM in this part but it will end up as a SB/VM fic and Viggo will appear in the next part. You do, however, need to read this to enjoy the rest of this, fairly long, series. Please bear with me; SB/VM in next part! Promise!)
Summary: Don’t ever fall in love.
Archiving: List archive and Green Opals [http://greenopals.50megs.com/] may take it; others please ask.
Feedback: Yes, please. If you want more fics that is *LOL*. My e-mail address is alexabond2000@yahoo.com
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: RPS
Series: Part 1 in “This Thing Called Love”.
Author’s notes: Thanks to Witchy for great beta and kind suggestions. Great thanks to Joelle for additional beta.
* * *
“I love you.”
As soon as the words were out of his mouth he regretted them. He felt Orli’s arms release their hold around him, felt Orli’s warmth disappear as he drew away and pulled as far away from him as he could on Sean’s little sofa. Orli pulled his legs up under himself and put his arms around them, drawing his knees close to his chest. His eyes were shadowed, and he was chewing on his lower lip as he always did when he was troubled.
God damn it, Sean swore silently. Why had he said those words? Had he ruined everything now? Was this another rule he didn’t know about? Again, as so many times before, he wondered if the many rules Orli had put on their several month old relationship were common for relationships between men or if it was just Orli’s rules. Sean wasn’t sure; he had never been with another man before Orli. He didn’t consider himself gay just because he was with Orli. Orli was just….Orli. He really couldn’t be labeled as much of anything, he was far too unique, and in Sean’s eyes, special because of that.
“Why did you say that?” Orli’s voice was filled with accusations, his eyes full of hurt as he looked into Sean’s confused green ones. Sean wasn’t sure how to answer that; he wasn’t even sure what to do. He wanted to move closer to Orli, take him back into his embrace, but he dared not.
“Why?” Sean repeated the question, hoping to buy himself some time. Why had he said those words? Because Orli had felt so good lying in his embrace while they had absentmindedly watched a football match on the telly? Because the air had been warm, it had been a great day, and he was feeling dozy? There had been a blanket of comfort around his soul and mind, had it made him careless with the words he let pass his lips?
“Why not?” Sean shrugged as he answered the question with another, desperately trying to save what was left of his dignity. Their relationship had been played out by Orli’s rules from day one. There were so many of them, Sean had jokingly asked him if he couldn't just send him a list. Orli had been very clear that he wanted to stay in charge, that he should always make the first move. So, Sean would spend most of his days talking with Viggo, wondering where Orli was. At times he'd interrupt one of Viggo’s babblings to ask what he thought of Orli and his acting, and other innocent Orli-related topics. He'd say anything to just get the conversation back to Orli. At night, Orli would come to Sean’s place and spend the night there; he would always depart before dawn, leaving Sean feeling…empty and abandoned somehow.
“That’s not an answer,” Orli’s voice was hurt and hard as he stood up. Sean stood as well, walking the other way around the sofa. He caught up with Orli as he went into Sean’s kitchen to get a beer. He handed one to Sean as well before he turned back to face him, obviously still waiting for an answer.
“Maybe I meant it,” Sean tried carefully, praying to whatever Gods were listening that he wasn’t just setting himself up for more heartache.
“No, you didn’t,” Orli’s voice was sharp as he put the half empty beer bottle on the table and all but ran out of the kitchen. Confusion was turning into anger as Sean stormed after him. He got a hold of Orli’s arm and forced him to stop and turn around to face him.
“And why the hell not? What do you know about my feelings anyway?” Sean was aware his voice was rising to a shout, was aware that he was breaking yet another of Orli’s rules: the never yell at me rule. 'Rule number 22 to be exact,' a cynical voice in Sean’s head reminded him as Orli tore his arm free from his grasp.
“Never touch me without asking me first! And never yell at me!” Orli’s eyes were blazing, burning, hotter than lava, but somewhere behind the anger Sean thought he saw a flicker of something…deeper…something shattering.
“Fine!” Sean threw his hands up into the air and stepped back, creating some distance between them. For a few seconds, neither spoke. Sean’s eyes followed Orli’s movements as he massaged the arm he had stopped him by. Surely he hadn’t gotten that hard a grip on him that he had bruised him? Concern filled his eyes and cooled his anger.
“Sorry,” Sean said softly, his voice low. He saw some of the fire leave Orli’s eyes, but they remained guarded, so Sean maintained his distance. Orli nodded, accepting his apology.
“You gave me a promise,” Orli said softly. Sean frowned. He had? He tried to remember, but nothing came to mind. “The day I asked you… the first day we were together,” Orli reminded him as he saw the confused look in Sean’s green eyes. Recognition stuck, and Sean drew a deep breath.
“You can’t go by that,” Sean protested, shaking his head in denial. This was completely insane. Surely he wouldn’t…
“You promised me. How can I be with you if I can’t trust your word?” the words weren’t angry but sad, hurt and filled with disappointment.
“But…” Sean wasn’t sure what to say, too dumbstruck to do much of anything.
“I’m sorry, Sean but this is just not working out,” Orli’s voice had regained its strength and his eyes bore into Sean’s, unmoving, unblinking.
“Now, wait just a…” Sean protested but before he could say another word Orli turned on his heels and he was out the front door, leaving a deafening silence in the room. Only his pride and confusion stopped Sean from storming after him.
'What the hell just happened?' Sean wondered, confused. One minute he had felt like he was in heaven, and the next he was alone, abandoned… broken. What had he done wrong? No, he didn’t need to ask that; he knew what he had done. The promise he should never have made, he had broken it. With those careless words, those words his heart had spoken before his mind had stopped him…. those words had ruined it all.
He shook his head as he went to the kitchen and drained the rest of his beer. He needed to get drunk tonight; he didn’t want to think about how fucked up this whole thing had been from the start. He should have noticed something was wrong with all those bloody rules, more rules than the royal family put together! And that promise…that stupid, stupid promise….He had given his word then, it had been way too early for him to have such deep feelings towards Orli, and he hadn’t thought more about it.
Maybe it was his time with Viggo, but whatever it was, he had begun to think more about things, more about others‘ emotions, motives and actions. He had especially thought a lot about Orli, about his rules and the promise he had more or less forced him to give before they had even started a relationship. There could be a lot of reasons why Orli wanted to play it this way; self-protection maybe? Maybe he had been hurt in the past, was afraid to open up. Maybe someone had used him, abused him and taken advantage of his love. Maybe this was just the way he played the game. Or maybe, as Sean was sure of in his darkest hours and especially hours like this one, Orli simply didn’t have any emotions involved in this relationship and didn’t want Sean’s emotions to get in the way.
Relationships had never been a bed of roses for Sean, but this relationship took the prize as the most unusual and fucked up one that he had ever had to date. What person didn’t want to hear the words ‘I love you‘? Hell, what kind of person ran away when they were spoken? Was it because he didn’t believe them? Or didn’t he want to believe them? What kind of person ran away from love? Maybe he was someone who desperately sought out love, but believed that he would never find it. Or maybe he was someone who didn’t care for love at all. Sean had hoped he could have helped Orli see that he was worth everything he had; the fame, the money, the attention and yes, the love. However, Orli had never reached out to him; his shields had stayed up, his rules had been followed all the way through…. until today. Sean wasn’t sure if that meant he was right in hoping Orli did want more from him than a pleasant distraction, or had he just proven that his cynical mind was right?
Sean shook his head, trying to clear it of all the questions. It didn’t matter anyway. Orli was gone, gone for good. He had lost him as he had lost so many lovers before him, only this time he truly had no idea what he had done wrong. Unbidden, Orli’s voice came back to him from that first day that had started it all;
“Before we do anything I need you to promise me something…Promise not to love me.”
Sean had grinned at him then, grinned at his seriousness in asking such an absurd question when they hadn’t even started a relationship yet, but he had agreed. Maybe that had been a mistake. Should he have said no? Or maybe the mistake was to say the words? Or maybe the mistake was the love he felt for him?
This was confusing. Sean felt a headache coming on, and he knew it was only a matter of time before heartache would follow, just as soon as his foolish heart ceased hoping for Orli to walk back through the front door and explain everything to him.
Sean opened a new beer, knowing he would need something to dull the ache beginning in his heart. It was an ache that would only grow with time. Promise not to love me, he had asked. Sean took a large swallow of his beer, not tasting it.
“Promise not to love me…easy for him to say, “ Sean mumbled darkly. Had he any idea how beautiful he was? How graceful? How much just one smile from him could make Sean melt? Did he know that Sean loved more than just his outer beauty, but his wildness, his youth, his enthusiasm, his humor, his grace, his laughter…yeah, fuck, he could even learn to love his damn rules if that was what it took.
“Promise not to love me.”
Orli’s words kept hanging in the air, haunting and mocking him, reminding him that it was too late.
Promise not to love him….that was as easy as promising not to breathe.
The End
Author’s notes:
This series will continue in “Pride Is A 5 Letter Word For Pain”.
More SB/OB in the next part and for those of you who’re waiting for the promised SB/VM action then it will also come in later parts; already starting to show up in the next part. Be a bit patient. This is a fairly long series (for me anyway *grins*). I hope you’ll enjoy it.
Thanks for your time and understanding.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-04-07 10:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-07 10:45 am (UTC)Wait till the next part and you can add Viggo to the list...
Thanks for reading and for your comment. Made my day!
Love
Alexa
no subject
Date: 2004-04-07 10:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-07 10:59 am (UTC)Yes but don't worry...After all the hurt I plan on letting them all get some happiness with the partner of my...I mean their choice *grins*
Thanks again!
no subject
Date: 2004-04-07 11:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-07 11:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-07 01:51 pm (UTC)*LOL* I know how that is. In my main fandom (which isn't this one) I think the same way about my own fav. character...Well, I do think we're a small group that gets him right but nevertheless... *grins*
but your version of him was okay.
*smiles and takes a bow* Thank you.
It will get better. Further into the fic you'll know why Orli acted the way he did. I have a rather sad but good reason for it. (At least so I've been told...*shrugs*)
I have seen worse, far worse, believe me :)
*laughs* Ghee, thanks. Careful with the compliments, sweetie...I'm actually starting to feel good here. ;)
*waits for the crucial someone to step into the limelight* ;)
*smiles* Viggo comes into the fic in the next part which I'll probably send out tomorrow.
Thanks for reading and for your comment.
Take care
Love
Alexa
no subject
Date: 2004-04-07 04:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-08 10:43 am (UTC)Thanks so much! Next part due out later tonight.
Thanks again! *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2004-04-07 09:08 pm (UTC)Anyway, can't wait for SB/VM! :)
FOR GONDOR!
no subject
Date: 2004-04-08 10:59 am (UTC)Thanks so much! That means the world to me.
I feel sorry for the both of them, and Sean...he shouldn't have let his feelings got out of control..
I kinda needed him out of control because Viggo needs to be there in next part (due out later tonight)
Anyway, can't wait for SB/VM! :)
Thanks much and it will be there in the next part.
Thanks again! *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2004-04-09 05:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-10 02:18 am (UTC)*blushes* Thanks so much.
I really feel for these two (and also for Viggo, who's about to get tangled up in this *g*).
*grins* Yep
Very well done. Looking forward to more!
Thanks so much. The next 2 parts is already posted. You can find them on this group.
Thanks so much for your kind words. They mean the world to me. I hope you'll enjoy the other parts and let me know what you thought of them. Thanks again *hugs*