Ficlet: Words (SB/VM)
Apr. 21st, 2003 06:11 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
iana-niniel.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
rugbytackleTitle: Words
Author: Iana (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
iana_niniel)
Paring: SB/VM
Rating: PG
Summary: "Three words and I have lost count of the times I said them..."
Disclaimer: yep, all made up... never happened
Warning: crappy as hell... you have been warned. AND this is a proof for my unhealthy obsession with sentences starting with 'and'...
Archive:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
rugbytackle, Green Opals, all others please ask
Feedback: please... I'd love you forever.
A/N: This was initially meant to be Sean's birthday fic but somehow I got stuck in the middle and it just didn't work out. Dedicated tonatalierichards and all the others who keep supporting me with their wonderful feedback. Love you guys. :)
Three words and I have lost count of the times I said them. Three words and sometimes I was drunk and didn't even remember afterwards, sometimes I didn't even care. But I remember their weight getting lighter with every passing year. There was a time when I believed, even I, there was a time when three words still meant the world and so much more. But through the years too many worlds were shattered and too many vows broken and I don't remember when I stopped believing, I guess I didn't even notice. I only remember that one day I found that the words were empty and still I said them, time after time. I didn't care if they believed, those I don't even remember, sometimes. I didn't care if to them it had meant something and I didn't care if for them I shattered a world with the three empty words I left to them at dawn. And sometimes, maybe, there was regret but more often there wasn't. On so many broken worlds I've turned my back, on so many shattered dreams, I don't even remember which of them were my own.
Three words, words without a meaning, they were the stones of the wall I built around my heart, those empty words. With the years they have lost their promise, with the years they have lost their magic and the sweet expectation. And the day came when I realized that those three words, that beneath all the promises and all the foolish hopes, they were just words and like any other words they could as well be lies. And like any other words they could hurt if you were foolish enough to let them come too close. And so I became cold and indifferent to their promise and indifferent to the dagger hidden beneath the sweet sound. And maybe I thought, fool that I am, that this would save me, maybe I thought that the wall I had built would make me untouchable, maybe, maybe I thought I was in control.
But I did not want to care that day and I did not want to think, about his smile and about the mystery in his eyes. I did not want to feel that night, the warmth, slowly growing deep down beneath. I did not want to feel that night, not that night and not the nights after. I did not want to dream and I did not want to hope. And yet I did.
And he made it all come back. I hated him for that, and yet not quite. As much as I wanted to hate him, as much as I wanted to be cold, cold and indifferent, I could not. And it felt like betrayal when I finally had to admit that I cared. Again. After all these year. And I thought I was strong, I thought that it was my choice, I thought that I could turn away, so easily and yet I could not and the moment I realized I hated myself. This is not the man I wanted to be, this is not the man I thought I knew. And I feel like a stranger to myself as I sit and watch my resolve falter, fall apart. I feel like a traitor as I sit and watch myself feel what I have never wanted to feel, what I never thought I could feel again, feelings I have come to hate for the pain they left behind when they walked out of the door time after time.
I hate him, I hate him for bringing it all back, for all the memories, for all the pain and all the silent tears I've cried when I thought nobody would ever know. I did not want to remember that feeling, too painfully familiar. And only then I knew what I might have done, to all those I made believe that there was more than just three empty words. The foolish hope and the desperate dreams, waiting, waiting for the words that will never be said. And I was afraid then, of myself and of the man I saw there, in my place.
I was afraid, for I knew there was no turning back. And the three words, whispered into the soundless darkness, the three words, wishing he could hear me and yet so afraid, so afraid of the shattered dreams that haunted my memory.
Three words and I have lost count of the times I said them, I have lost count of the times I said them and felt nothing, for I did not want to feel. And maybe, fool that I am, I thought that I could drown the painful memories in those empty words. Damn him, I cannot. I cannot. And it feels like failure. But I so wanted to be strong, I wanted it so much that in the end I really believed it.
He kissed me then and my world fell apart.
Damn him, damn him. I would have preferred anything to this, I would have wanted to live forever in the illusion that I did not care. That I was untouchable. Damn him. Damn his smile and the mystery in his eyes. Damn his irresistible laughter and the warmth of his touch.
Is this what you wanted? Will you throw me away now that I'm down on my knees? Is this what you wanted, to watch me fall apart, oh so slowly, in your hands? Or is it still not enough? Where is your knife, assassin?
I love you.
Author: Iana (
iana_niniel)Paring: SB/VM
Rating: PG
Summary: "Three words and I have lost count of the times I said them..."
Disclaimer: yep, all made up... never happened
Warning: crappy as hell... you have been warned. AND this is a proof for my unhealthy obsession with sentences starting with 'and'...
Archive:
rugbytackle, Green Opals, all others please askFeedback: please... I'd love you forever.
A/N: This was initially meant to be Sean's birthday fic but somehow I got stuck in the middle and it just didn't work out. Dedicated to
natalierichards and all the others who keep supporting me with their wonderful feedback. Love you guys. :)Words
Three words and I have lost count of the times I said them. Three words and sometimes I was drunk and didn't even remember afterwards, sometimes I didn't even care. But I remember their weight getting lighter with every passing year. There was a time when I believed, even I, there was a time when three words still meant the world and so much more. But through the years too many worlds were shattered and too many vows broken and I don't remember when I stopped believing, I guess I didn't even notice. I only remember that one day I found that the words were empty and still I said them, time after time. I didn't care if they believed, those I don't even remember, sometimes. I didn't care if to them it had meant something and I didn't care if for them I shattered a world with the three empty words I left to them at dawn. And sometimes, maybe, there was regret but more often there wasn't. On so many broken worlds I've turned my back, on so many shattered dreams, I don't even remember which of them were my own.
Three words, words without a meaning, they were the stones of the wall I built around my heart, those empty words. With the years they have lost their promise, with the years they have lost their magic and the sweet expectation. And the day came when I realized that those three words, that beneath all the promises and all the foolish hopes, they were just words and like any other words they could as well be lies. And like any other words they could hurt if you were foolish enough to let them come too close. And so I became cold and indifferent to their promise and indifferent to the dagger hidden beneath the sweet sound. And maybe I thought, fool that I am, that this would save me, maybe I thought that the wall I had built would make me untouchable, maybe, maybe I thought I was in control.
But I did not want to care that day and I did not want to think, about his smile and about the mystery in his eyes. I did not want to feel that night, the warmth, slowly growing deep down beneath. I did not want to feel that night, not that night and not the nights after. I did not want to dream and I did not want to hope. And yet I did.
And he made it all come back. I hated him for that, and yet not quite. As much as I wanted to hate him, as much as I wanted to be cold, cold and indifferent, I could not. And it felt like betrayal when I finally had to admit that I cared. Again. After all these year. And I thought I was strong, I thought that it was my choice, I thought that I could turn away, so easily and yet I could not and the moment I realized I hated myself. This is not the man I wanted to be, this is not the man I thought I knew. And I feel like a stranger to myself as I sit and watch my resolve falter, fall apart. I feel like a traitor as I sit and watch myself feel what I have never wanted to feel, what I never thought I could feel again, feelings I have come to hate for the pain they left behind when they walked out of the door time after time.
I hate him, I hate him for bringing it all back, for all the memories, for all the pain and all the silent tears I've cried when I thought nobody would ever know. I did not want to remember that feeling, too painfully familiar. And only then I knew what I might have done, to all those I made believe that there was more than just three empty words. The foolish hope and the desperate dreams, waiting, waiting for the words that will never be said. And I was afraid then, of myself and of the man I saw there, in my place.
I was afraid, for I knew there was no turning back. And the three words, whispered into the soundless darkness, the three words, wishing he could hear me and yet so afraid, so afraid of the shattered dreams that haunted my memory.
Three words and I have lost count of the times I said them, I have lost count of the times I said them and felt nothing, for I did not want to feel. And maybe, fool that I am, I thought that I could drown the painful memories in those empty words. Damn him, I cannot. I cannot. And it feels like failure. But I so wanted to be strong, I wanted it so much that in the end I really believed it.
He kissed me then and my world fell apart.
Damn him, damn him. I would have preferred anything to this, I would have wanted to live forever in the illusion that I did not care. That I was untouchable. Damn him. Damn his smile and the mystery in his eyes. Damn his irresistible laughter and the warmth of his touch.
Is this what you wanted? Will you throw me away now that I'm down on my knees? Is this what you wanted, to watch me fall apart, oh so slowly, in your hands? Or is it still not enough? Where is your knife, assassin?
I love you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-04-21 11:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-22 01:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-21 07:22 pm (UTC)Where is your knife, assassin?
Ah! Right through the heart! Thanks for sharing, ;)
no subject
Date: 2003-04-22 01:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-21 09:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-22 01:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-22 03:14 am (UTC)So true.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-22 01:26 pm (UTC)