Fic: "Falling To Pieces" R (1/1) [SB/VM]
Jan. 18th, 2005 01:34 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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rugbytackleFalling To Pieces
By Alexa Bond 1/16/2005
Disclaimer: This never happened unless I have psychic powers and can change the past, present and future. Any likeness to real characters is all in your mind, nothing more. This is fiction, made up, never happened, not real.... you want that in other languages as well? *LOL*
I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money off it.
Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
Timeline: Set after the filming of LOTR. Therefore AU I guess.
Universe: LOTR RPS
Romance: Sean B/Viggo
Summary: How can you ever go back when you discover you did not just go to the edge but went over it? How do you explain a love that went too far?
Archiving: List archive and Green Opals [http://greenopals.50megs.com/ ] may take it; others please ask.
Feedback: Yes, please. If you want me to continue writing that is *G*. My e-mail address is alexabond2000@yahoo.com
Rating: R
Warnings: RPS, angst, some disturbing images, violence, mentions of sex and bondage (none shown). Love to balance it all out though…at least I hope so *grins* Overall though…angst alert!
Series: None.
Author’s notes: I am officially becoming insane.
Thanks so much to Widdershin for great beta and encouragement. *hugs*
* * *
You sit apart. The room seems to be strangling you both. Who would have thought that yesterday everything was fine? Everything was perfect?
Or maybe it never was perfect? If it was you wouldn’t have ended up here, now would you? Or maybe it was perfect and you were the ones who weren’t? So many thoughts…so much confusion and pain.
“Viggo?” you ask softly, your voice hoarse and weak, barely above a whisper. You reach a hesitant and heavy hand out towards him, having to fight the covers to do so even though he put you on your side to spare your back.
“Don’t,” his voice is just as soft, agony in it. It tears you up inside.
You fall silent, your hand falling back to the covers, not sure what else to do or say.
You have been together for 2 years now and Rings have long since wrapped. He taught you so much, about the world and about yourself. He was your first male lover and you had vowed he would be your last lover of any gender. He had opened your eyes and showed you his world; a world filled with tones of grey. Nothing simply was.
In Viggo’s world there was always colours and always possibilities. He was a breath of fresh air; different and daring, unconcerned and wild. Held down by no rules and no bonds, he dared to run where you had never even considered walking. He did not care what others thought of him or of how he acted. If he wanted to kiss a co-star, male or female, in front of the cameras, then he simply did so. If he wanted to photograph Karl and himself in bed then he would, although he had withheld the more steamy images… more out of respect for Karl than for himself. At that time you had not been exclusive and though it had hurt to see Viggo with Karl it had been alright. There had never been any promises but you began to realize then you had already given vows anyhow. Not long after he did as well and life had seemed perfect as the hurt had faded into a bad memory you refused to examine.
You met as often as you could and he continued to open up the world for you, showing you more and more heights. Only now did you realise that with new heights also came new and very deep falls.
“I’m sorry,” you whisper softly, wishing you could redo the entire night.
“For Gods sake!” he explodes and rises from the chair beside the bed he has been sitting in, dressed only in pants. He runs a frustrated hand through his hair and looks with pain filled eyes at you. “I…” he starts angrily but then takes a deep breath and all there is left is despair, “I don’t know how to make this right,” he admits softly and that scares you for he always has the answers. He has to for you never did.
“I just…” you begin but then fall silent, not sure you could explain.
“You just what, hmm?” Viggo demands to know, his frustration going back to anger. “Wanted me to…to…” he waves towards Sean’s back, losing his words and he has to look away, unable to look at what he has done.
“I will heal,” you say softly.
Viggo finally looks up and into your eyes. “Maybe I won’t,” he says just as softly, his voice holding a disturbing edge of death.
Sean closes his eyes in pain at hearing this. How could he have fucked up so badly in such a short time? “I wanted to give you everything,” he whispers softly, desperate to explain, to make things right.
“You lied to me,” Viggo says softly, sadly, agonized. “You promised me you would not let me hurt you.”
”You didn’t,” Sean insists shaking his head, but the pain from the freshly bandaged wounds on his back belies the statement when he grimaces in pain.
“Really?” Viggo says sarcastically, raising an eyebrow at him. Then he runs another frustrated hand through his hair. “You promised you would safeword,” he whispers softly before his eyes meet Sean’s again. “God damn it, Sean! That’s what they’re there for!”
Sean mentally flinches at Viggo’s accusation. “I know,” he admits softly. He may never have played this game before Viggo taught it to him, but Viggo had told him this over and over again, always afraid the play should go too far.
“Then what did you think you were doing?”
“I…I wanted to please you. I…I thought…It wasn’t that bad,” Sean ends weakly, not sure what else to say.
”Not that bad?” Viggo explodes. “You passed out and you might have whip marks on your back for the rest of your life!” He takes a deep break, trying to regain control of himself. “Tell me what part of that is not bad?”
Sean winces. Said like that it does sound bad. “I don’t think they will scar and there are only…10 or so which drew blood…” Okay, that was a really bad argument, Sean realizes as he sees Viggo flinch in pain. “I…I love you,” he settles for, suddenly having to fight the painkillers and sleeping pills Viggo made him eat earlier as the arguing takes it toll on him.
“Sean, you can barely let me touch you without beginning to shake uncontrollably,” Viggo says softly, heartbrokenly.
“It will pass,” he says with certainly. He’ll make it pass.
Viggo sits down with a heavy sigh in the chair beside the bed, looking at Sean’s form lying on his side, his head turned towards him. “It was supposed to have been fun…How did it end up becoming…this?” With a hand movement he indicates the room, them, everything, his voice and eyes begging for an answer to questions he cannot ask.
“I…don’t know,” Sean admits softly, not knowing what to say but just wishing he could take everything back.
“I am not sure I can ever trust myself with you any more even if you do become comfortable with me again. How can I trust you again? How can I trust me?” he whispers brokenly.
“We…We could not do this kind of thing for a while. In time…” Sean pauses, running out of words.
Viggo had introduced some mild bondage into their sex life a year back. Mostly it had been being tied up, some handcuffs and kneeling but that was about it. Given Viggo’s greater experience and it being his idea, he had been dominant in it all and Sean was fine with that since he had always been the learning party all through the relationship anyway. It had been innocent and fun but he had known Viggo had tried more and that he was holding back, respecting Sean’s limits and it had annoyed him; he was not a child to be cuddled. In him had also been the memories of Viggo with Karl, which he had tried so hard to pretend did not pain him as much as they did. In his mind he had been so sure that Karl would not have forced Viggo to hold anything back and Sean did not wish Viggo to feel he was missing something by staying faithful. So, he had provoked and begged until Viggo had gone to the edge and over it. Even there though Viggo had reminded him to safeword if he wanted out of it and Sean had promised to do so. But his pride and love had held him back. He had thought he would show Viggo he could give him everything. Instead he ended up passing out with a silent whimper when Viggo had hit his back with his leather belt, drawing blood from several welts. The whipping had been something Sean himself had half asked him to do and half tricked him into with various insults and taunts about how Viggo couldn’t do it or that he did not wish to give Sean everything. He had known he would not enjoy this heavier form of bondage like he had the milder stuff they had tried together but he hadn’t cared; he had only thought that he would show Viggo he could do it, that he could give him this gift, do this for him…because he loved him…loved him greater than any of his previous lovers ever had.
“What were you trying to prove anyway?” Viggo asks softly, sounding like he really needs to know, bringing Sean’s thoughts back onto the present situation.
“That I could give you everything anyone else had and do it better,” Sean says softly.
“Maybe I don’t want the same thing from you that I wanted from them,” Viggo says evenly, honestly.
“Maybe I wanted to show you…that I love you,” Sean goes on thoughtfully as if he has not spoken.
As Sean watches in surprise and shock, tears floods down Viggo’s cheeks. “You fool!” he says hoarsely, a lump in his throat. “You never had to prove anything to me. This should be something we both wanted…or at the very least both were comfortable with.”
“I’m sorry,” Sean says again, feeling tears falling from his own eyes as well.
Silence falls over the room once more, both ignoring the bloodied belt laying in one corner where Viggo had thrown it as if it was on fire…both ignoring the sheet laying upon it with blood, Sean’s blood, spattered on it. It looks worse that it had been though that is not really any comfort.
“I love you,” Viggo says softly, brokenly, his eyes shining pain, “but this is not about love. It’s about trust.”
Sean doesn’t know what to say. “How can I make it alright again?” he asks, his eyes and voice pained and lost.
“You can’t.”
The words echo through the room like a death sentence.
Neither speaks for some time until Viggo says, his voice barely above a whisper, “I don’t think I can live with having done this to you.”
“Don’t say that. Please don’t say that,” Sean asks and with a pained breath he manages to get himself up. He bites his lower lip till it bleeds to prevent himself from voicing his pain and he manages to sit up straight on the bed, knowing he has to do something before Viggo falls to pieces or worse still…injures himself from the guilt tearing him apart.
“What in the hell do you think you’re doing?” Viggo yells angrily, concern in his eyes as he jumps from the chair and stands beside him, ready to support him yet not touching him; now afraid to and this knowledge feels like a blow to Sean.
“I need to show you something,” he whispers pained. With a warning look to Viggo that he should keep his hands to himself, he manages to get on his feet, gasping for breath, walking with a determination and certainty only the painkillers and other drugs in his system could have given him in this situation.
“Don’t be a fool. Come lie back down,” Viggo insists, now very worried.
Sean ignores him, wanting to show Viggo it really isn’t that bad, and with slow and pained steps, Viggo right beside him, his hands mere inches from his body, ready to catch him, they finally make it the small way to the kitchen. Sean picks up a knife from the kitchen table and turns around, pointing it tip first at Viggo who simply looks at him, unafraid, not backing away, ready to receive whatever Sean is going to give him. The look in his eyes says he would probably prefer it if Sean ran him through with the knife.
“You did not hurt me, Viggo, I did,” Sean says clearly and before Viggo can react he slashes several times on his right arm, painting large bloody gashes. He draws deep breaths as his face twists in pain.
“What the fuck are you doing?!” Viggo yells alarmed and tears the knife from him as Sean slides to the floor in shock and exhaustion. The hand that held the knife starts shaking and tears runs down his cheeks but not from pain; the shock makes his arm feel practically numb.
Viggo throws the knife into the sink and tears down a kitchen towel from its hanger, wrapping Sean’s injured arm in it.
Sean smiles at Viggo, his eyes glazed over with pain and love. The tears have stilled, as has the shaking. “You leaving me will hurt me. Nothing else will.”
Viggo hesitates, conflicted, then he stands and says, “Stay here,” as if Sean is actually capable of moving. He just nods and watches Viggo leave the room. The pain, the drugs in his system and exhaustion make him feel like the whole thing is surreal, he suddenly gets an insane desire to laugh.
When Viggo returns he has the First Aid kit with him, having left it beside the bed where he had last used it. Viggo cleans Sean’s newly inflicted wounds and bandages them in silence. Then Viggo hands him several more painkillers, which Sean obediently swallows though at this point he is not sure if more drugs in his system is a good idea. Still, he can see that Viggo needs the assurance that he is not in pain and what the hell; he wants their effect of making his world so much simpler. At least for tonight…tonight is painful enough as it is.
“They are not deep enough to need stitches I think but I need to look at them tomorrow,” Viggo says softly. As he puts the last supplies away and back into the First Aid kit Sean catches a hold of his hand with his good hand and sees Viggo is trembling.
“Speak to me,” he asks softly, almost pleadingly, hope and pain in his eyes. Their eyes meet and the agony he sees in Viggo’s eyes makes him release his hand.
Viggo puts the last supplies away and closes the kit.
“This won’t be easy,” Viggo says softly, carefully, hurt, guilt, anger and a million other emotions in his voice and eyes. “I am…I am mad at you and I hate myself more than I have ever hated anyone in my life.”
“That makes two then for I hate myself too,” Sean admits quietly.
Viggo pauses before he says, “Things can never be as they were. If ever we reach the stage where we can have sex again…it will never be like this. I will never risk hurting you ever again. It will be soft and mild as it was the first time I made love to you and I need you to promise that you will never attempt to talk or trick me into doing this again. Ever.” His voice is soft and his eyes are looking away from Sean as if he speaks to himself but the need in his words is clear.
“I promise,” Sean says eagerly. Anything to make Viggo stay.
Viggo meets his eyes then and Sean is taken back by the pleading look in them. “But you must promise me you’ll tell me where your lines are, always.”
Sean knows this is a serious question so he gives it serious thought. “My lines move with you,” he admits, remembering his earlier thought that he would do anything for Viggo and knows it is true.
“Don’t let them move too far,” Viggo warns pained. “I cannot hurt you again.”
Sean nods. “I will try,” he vows and Viggo smiles kind of sadly though sincerely.
“Thanks for not making a promise you might not be able to keep.”
They sit in a heavy silence for a while until Sean says softly, “This might not work out,” as if suddenly realizing it. He knows this is a truth he does not wish to face but he has to.
Viggo shakes his head. “No, it might not,” he says just as softly.
Silence falls again. Then Viggo stands and reaches out to embrace Sean’s chest, lifting him up and positioning him so he is supporting almost all his weight, a hand around his waist, mindful of his injury, as they begin to walk slowly back to the bedroom. The silence lasts as Viggo tucks Sean in and sits in the chair he sat in earlier, hoping to get comfortable enough to sleep there when Sean’s voice stops him.
“Sleep with me.”
The softly spoken words, barely more than a whisper, seem to break the wall of silence that had suddenly fallen between them.
Viggo hesitates but then removes his pants and crawls into bed behind Sean. “I am here,” he whispers softly.
“Hold me,” Sean whispers and when he doesn’t feel Viggo against him he adds as softly as a breeze, “I don’t shake anymore.”
With only a moment of hesitation Viggo’s arms are loose around him and he lies as close against him as he dares, but with enough air between them so that he doesn’t touch Sean’s bandaged back at all. He plants a kiss to Sean’s neck almost as carefully as if Sean is made out of crystal and Sean knows they have a really long way to go. He had wished to prove to Viggo that he was not a child, not made out of glass. He had ended up proving he was the first and that he now has to be treated like the latter; all for pride, love and for a fear that had never been real, a challenge he had had to win but which had only ever been real in his own head.
“Thank you,” Sean whispers, feeling sleep claiming him fast.
“What for?” Comes the soft question.
“For kissing me again…for not leaving,” he mumbles, falling fast into a dreamless sleep.
“We broke together…we will heal together…or shatter together,” Viggo whispers softly, but Sean has fallen asleep.
Viggo lies awake for several hours in the darkness, holding Sean as he would a precious jewel and lets the tears fall. Finally, when he cannot cry anymore, all his pain and guilt mercifully exhausted for now with the liquid, first then does he feel sleep drawing near.
Tomorrow things would look brighter…or they would fall apart. Tomorrow…tomorrow things had to look better. They had to get through this. Yet he knew well that love conquering all was for fairytales and artists’ poems; it was not for real life. Still, for them…for them there would be an exception…wouldn’t there? Surely there would be….
It seemed an impossible task. There were so many issues to address…No. Viggo refused to think like that. Live or let die…No matter how much pain it would take, how many tears…they had come so far, they could walk this road together. They had to.
Or they would fall together. Whatever would happen…it would be together the same way they had fallen, for Viggo knew well that the pain and blame went around evenly. Sean would try to take the most of it and so would he for he had been the one in control and the more experienced; he should have seen something, noticed something, but Sean was a talented actor and maybe he had not wished to see….
“Heal together…or shatter together,” Viggo mumbles in his sleep as finally, mercifully, dreams and memories, leaves him alone and all he can feel is a beloved’s body close to his and in this moment…life is perfect…and he can smile again.
The End
By Alexa Bond 1/16/2005
Disclaimer: This never happened unless I have psychic powers and can change the past, present and future. Any likeness to real characters is all in your mind, nothing more. This is fiction, made up, never happened, not real.... you want that in other languages as well? *LOL*
I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money off it.
Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.
Timeline: Set after the filming of LOTR. Therefore AU I guess.
Universe: LOTR RPS
Romance: Sean B/Viggo
Summary: How can you ever go back when you discover you did not just go to the edge but went over it? How do you explain a love that went too far?
Archiving: List archive and Green Opals [http://greenopals.50megs.com/ ] may take it; others please ask.
Feedback: Yes, please. If you want me to continue writing that is *G*. My e-mail address is alexabond2000@yahoo.com
Rating: R
Warnings: RPS, angst, some disturbing images, violence, mentions of sex and bondage (none shown). Love to balance it all out though…at least I hope so *grins* Overall though…angst alert!
Series: None.
Author’s notes: I am officially becoming insane.
Thanks so much to Widdershin for great beta and encouragement. *hugs*
* * *
You sit apart. The room seems to be strangling you both. Who would have thought that yesterday everything was fine? Everything was perfect?
Or maybe it never was perfect? If it was you wouldn’t have ended up here, now would you? Or maybe it was perfect and you were the ones who weren’t? So many thoughts…so much confusion and pain.
“Viggo?” you ask softly, your voice hoarse and weak, barely above a whisper. You reach a hesitant and heavy hand out towards him, having to fight the covers to do so even though he put you on your side to spare your back.
“Don’t,” his voice is just as soft, agony in it. It tears you up inside.
You fall silent, your hand falling back to the covers, not sure what else to do or say.
You have been together for 2 years now and Rings have long since wrapped. He taught you so much, about the world and about yourself. He was your first male lover and you had vowed he would be your last lover of any gender. He had opened your eyes and showed you his world; a world filled with tones of grey. Nothing simply was.
In Viggo’s world there was always colours and always possibilities. He was a breath of fresh air; different and daring, unconcerned and wild. Held down by no rules and no bonds, he dared to run where you had never even considered walking. He did not care what others thought of him or of how he acted. If he wanted to kiss a co-star, male or female, in front of the cameras, then he simply did so. If he wanted to photograph Karl and himself in bed then he would, although he had withheld the more steamy images… more out of respect for Karl than for himself. At that time you had not been exclusive and though it had hurt to see Viggo with Karl it had been alright. There had never been any promises but you began to realize then you had already given vows anyhow. Not long after he did as well and life had seemed perfect as the hurt had faded into a bad memory you refused to examine.
You met as often as you could and he continued to open up the world for you, showing you more and more heights. Only now did you realise that with new heights also came new and very deep falls.
“I’m sorry,” you whisper softly, wishing you could redo the entire night.
“For Gods sake!” he explodes and rises from the chair beside the bed he has been sitting in, dressed only in pants. He runs a frustrated hand through his hair and looks with pain filled eyes at you. “I…” he starts angrily but then takes a deep breath and all there is left is despair, “I don’t know how to make this right,” he admits softly and that scares you for he always has the answers. He has to for you never did.
“I just…” you begin but then fall silent, not sure you could explain.
“You just what, hmm?” Viggo demands to know, his frustration going back to anger. “Wanted me to…to…” he waves towards Sean’s back, losing his words and he has to look away, unable to look at what he has done.
“I will heal,” you say softly.
Viggo finally looks up and into your eyes. “Maybe I won’t,” he says just as softly, his voice holding a disturbing edge of death.
Sean closes his eyes in pain at hearing this. How could he have fucked up so badly in such a short time? “I wanted to give you everything,” he whispers softly, desperate to explain, to make things right.
“You lied to me,” Viggo says softly, sadly, agonized. “You promised me you would not let me hurt you.”
”You didn’t,” Sean insists shaking his head, but the pain from the freshly bandaged wounds on his back belies the statement when he grimaces in pain.
“Really?” Viggo says sarcastically, raising an eyebrow at him. Then he runs another frustrated hand through his hair. “You promised you would safeword,” he whispers softly before his eyes meet Sean’s again. “God damn it, Sean! That’s what they’re there for!”
Sean mentally flinches at Viggo’s accusation. “I know,” he admits softly. He may never have played this game before Viggo taught it to him, but Viggo had told him this over and over again, always afraid the play should go too far.
“Then what did you think you were doing?”
“I…I wanted to please you. I…I thought…It wasn’t that bad,” Sean ends weakly, not sure what else to say.
”Not that bad?” Viggo explodes. “You passed out and you might have whip marks on your back for the rest of your life!” He takes a deep break, trying to regain control of himself. “Tell me what part of that is not bad?”
Sean winces. Said like that it does sound bad. “I don’t think they will scar and there are only…10 or so which drew blood…” Okay, that was a really bad argument, Sean realizes as he sees Viggo flinch in pain. “I…I love you,” he settles for, suddenly having to fight the painkillers and sleeping pills Viggo made him eat earlier as the arguing takes it toll on him.
“Sean, you can barely let me touch you without beginning to shake uncontrollably,” Viggo says softly, heartbrokenly.
“It will pass,” he says with certainly. He’ll make it pass.
Viggo sits down with a heavy sigh in the chair beside the bed, looking at Sean’s form lying on his side, his head turned towards him. “It was supposed to have been fun…How did it end up becoming…this?” With a hand movement he indicates the room, them, everything, his voice and eyes begging for an answer to questions he cannot ask.
“I…don’t know,” Sean admits softly, not knowing what to say but just wishing he could take everything back.
“I am not sure I can ever trust myself with you any more even if you do become comfortable with me again. How can I trust you again? How can I trust me?” he whispers brokenly.
“We…We could not do this kind of thing for a while. In time…” Sean pauses, running out of words.
Viggo had introduced some mild bondage into their sex life a year back. Mostly it had been being tied up, some handcuffs and kneeling but that was about it. Given Viggo’s greater experience and it being his idea, he had been dominant in it all and Sean was fine with that since he had always been the learning party all through the relationship anyway. It had been innocent and fun but he had known Viggo had tried more and that he was holding back, respecting Sean’s limits and it had annoyed him; he was not a child to be cuddled. In him had also been the memories of Viggo with Karl, which he had tried so hard to pretend did not pain him as much as they did. In his mind he had been so sure that Karl would not have forced Viggo to hold anything back and Sean did not wish Viggo to feel he was missing something by staying faithful. So, he had provoked and begged until Viggo had gone to the edge and over it. Even there though Viggo had reminded him to safeword if he wanted out of it and Sean had promised to do so. But his pride and love had held him back. He had thought he would show Viggo he could give him everything. Instead he ended up passing out with a silent whimper when Viggo had hit his back with his leather belt, drawing blood from several welts. The whipping had been something Sean himself had half asked him to do and half tricked him into with various insults and taunts about how Viggo couldn’t do it or that he did not wish to give Sean everything. He had known he would not enjoy this heavier form of bondage like he had the milder stuff they had tried together but he hadn’t cared; he had only thought that he would show Viggo he could do it, that he could give him this gift, do this for him…because he loved him…loved him greater than any of his previous lovers ever had.
“What were you trying to prove anyway?” Viggo asks softly, sounding like he really needs to know, bringing Sean’s thoughts back onto the present situation.
“That I could give you everything anyone else had and do it better,” Sean says softly.
“Maybe I don’t want the same thing from you that I wanted from them,” Viggo says evenly, honestly.
“Maybe I wanted to show you…that I love you,” Sean goes on thoughtfully as if he has not spoken.
As Sean watches in surprise and shock, tears floods down Viggo’s cheeks. “You fool!” he says hoarsely, a lump in his throat. “You never had to prove anything to me. This should be something we both wanted…or at the very least both were comfortable with.”
“I’m sorry,” Sean says again, feeling tears falling from his own eyes as well.
Silence falls over the room once more, both ignoring the bloodied belt laying in one corner where Viggo had thrown it as if it was on fire…both ignoring the sheet laying upon it with blood, Sean’s blood, spattered on it. It looks worse that it had been though that is not really any comfort.
“I love you,” Viggo says softly, brokenly, his eyes shining pain, “but this is not about love. It’s about trust.”
Sean doesn’t know what to say. “How can I make it alright again?” he asks, his eyes and voice pained and lost.
“You can’t.”
The words echo through the room like a death sentence.
Neither speaks for some time until Viggo says, his voice barely above a whisper, “I don’t think I can live with having done this to you.”
“Don’t say that. Please don’t say that,” Sean asks and with a pained breath he manages to get himself up. He bites his lower lip till it bleeds to prevent himself from voicing his pain and he manages to sit up straight on the bed, knowing he has to do something before Viggo falls to pieces or worse still…injures himself from the guilt tearing him apart.
“What in the hell do you think you’re doing?” Viggo yells angrily, concern in his eyes as he jumps from the chair and stands beside him, ready to support him yet not touching him; now afraid to and this knowledge feels like a blow to Sean.
“I need to show you something,” he whispers pained. With a warning look to Viggo that he should keep his hands to himself, he manages to get on his feet, gasping for breath, walking with a determination and certainty only the painkillers and other drugs in his system could have given him in this situation.
“Don’t be a fool. Come lie back down,” Viggo insists, now very worried.
Sean ignores him, wanting to show Viggo it really isn’t that bad, and with slow and pained steps, Viggo right beside him, his hands mere inches from his body, ready to catch him, they finally make it the small way to the kitchen. Sean picks up a knife from the kitchen table and turns around, pointing it tip first at Viggo who simply looks at him, unafraid, not backing away, ready to receive whatever Sean is going to give him. The look in his eyes says he would probably prefer it if Sean ran him through with the knife.
“You did not hurt me, Viggo, I did,” Sean says clearly and before Viggo can react he slashes several times on his right arm, painting large bloody gashes. He draws deep breaths as his face twists in pain.
“What the fuck are you doing?!” Viggo yells alarmed and tears the knife from him as Sean slides to the floor in shock and exhaustion. The hand that held the knife starts shaking and tears runs down his cheeks but not from pain; the shock makes his arm feel practically numb.
Viggo throws the knife into the sink and tears down a kitchen towel from its hanger, wrapping Sean’s injured arm in it.
Sean smiles at Viggo, his eyes glazed over with pain and love. The tears have stilled, as has the shaking. “You leaving me will hurt me. Nothing else will.”
Viggo hesitates, conflicted, then he stands and says, “Stay here,” as if Sean is actually capable of moving. He just nods and watches Viggo leave the room. The pain, the drugs in his system and exhaustion make him feel like the whole thing is surreal, he suddenly gets an insane desire to laugh.
When Viggo returns he has the First Aid kit with him, having left it beside the bed where he had last used it. Viggo cleans Sean’s newly inflicted wounds and bandages them in silence. Then Viggo hands him several more painkillers, which Sean obediently swallows though at this point he is not sure if more drugs in his system is a good idea. Still, he can see that Viggo needs the assurance that he is not in pain and what the hell; he wants their effect of making his world so much simpler. At least for tonight…tonight is painful enough as it is.
“They are not deep enough to need stitches I think but I need to look at them tomorrow,” Viggo says softly. As he puts the last supplies away and back into the First Aid kit Sean catches a hold of his hand with his good hand and sees Viggo is trembling.
“Speak to me,” he asks softly, almost pleadingly, hope and pain in his eyes. Their eyes meet and the agony he sees in Viggo’s eyes makes him release his hand.
Viggo puts the last supplies away and closes the kit.
“This won’t be easy,” Viggo says softly, carefully, hurt, guilt, anger and a million other emotions in his voice and eyes. “I am…I am mad at you and I hate myself more than I have ever hated anyone in my life.”
“That makes two then for I hate myself too,” Sean admits quietly.
Viggo pauses before he says, “Things can never be as they were. If ever we reach the stage where we can have sex again…it will never be like this. I will never risk hurting you ever again. It will be soft and mild as it was the first time I made love to you and I need you to promise that you will never attempt to talk or trick me into doing this again. Ever.” His voice is soft and his eyes are looking away from Sean as if he speaks to himself but the need in his words is clear.
“I promise,” Sean says eagerly. Anything to make Viggo stay.
Viggo meets his eyes then and Sean is taken back by the pleading look in them. “But you must promise me you’ll tell me where your lines are, always.”
Sean knows this is a serious question so he gives it serious thought. “My lines move with you,” he admits, remembering his earlier thought that he would do anything for Viggo and knows it is true.
“Don’t let them move too far,” Viggo warns pained. “I cannot hurt you again.”
Sean nods. “I will try,” he vows and Viggo smiles kind of sadly though sincerely.
“Thanks for not making a promise you might not be able to keep.”
They sit in a heavy silence for a while until Sean says softly, “This might not work out,” as if suddenly realizing it. He knows this is a truth he does not wish to face but he has to.
Viggo shakes his head. “No, it might not,” he says just as softly.
Silence falls again. Then Viggo stands and reaches out to embrace Sean’s chest, lifting him up and positioning him so he is supporting almost all his weight, a hand around his waist, mindful of his injury, as they begin to walk slowly back to the bedroom. The silence lasts as Viggo tucks Sean in and sits in the chair he sat in earlier, hoping to get comfortable enough to sleep there when Sean’s voice stops him.
“Sleep with me.”
The softly spoken words, barely more than a whisper, seem to break the wall of silence that had suddenly fallen between them.
Viggo hesitates but then removes his pants and crawls into bed behind Sean. “I am here,” he whispers softly.
“Hold me,” Sean whispers and when he doesn’t feel Viggo against him he adds as softly as a breeze, “I don’t shake anymore.”
With only a moment of hesitation Viggo’s arms are loose around him and he lies as close against him as he dares, but with enough air between them so that he doesn’t touch Sean’s bandaged back at all. He plants a kiss to Sean’s neck almost as carefully as if Sean is made out of crystal and Sean knows they have a really long way to go. He had wished to prove to Viggo that he was not a child, not made out of glass. He had ended up proving he was the first and that he now has to be treated like the latter; all for pride, love and for a fear that had never been real, a challenge he had had to win but which had only ever been real in his own head.
“Thank you,” Sean whispers, feeling sleep claiming him fast.
“What for?” Comes the soft question.
“For kissing me again…for not leaving,” he mumbles, falling fast into a dreamless sleep.
“We broke together…we will heal together…or shatter together,” Viggo whispers softly, but Sean has fallen asleep.
Viggo lies awake for several hours in the darkness, holding Sean as he would a precious jewel and lets the tears fall. Finally, when he cannot cry anymore, all his pain and guilt mercifully exhausted for now with the liquid, first then does he feel sleep drawing near.
Tomorrow things would look brighter…or they would fall apart. Tomorrow…tomorrow things had to look better. They had to get through this. Yet he knew well that love conquering all was for fairytales and artists’ poems; it was not for real life. Still, for them…for them there would be an exception…wouldn’t there? Surely there would be….
It seemed an impossible task. There were so many issues to address…No. Viggo refused to think like that. Live or let die…No matter how much pain it would take, how many tears…they had come so far, they could walk this road together. They had to.
Or they would fall together. Whatever would happen…it would be together the same way they had fallen, for Viggo knew well that the pain and blame went around evenly. Sean would try to take the most of it and so would he for he had been the one in control and the more experienced; he should have seen something, noticed something, but Sean was a talented actor and maybe he had not wished to see….
“Heal together…or shatter together,” Viggo mumbles in his sleep as finally, mercifully, dreams and memories, leaves him alone and all he can feel is a beloved’s body close to his and in this moment…life is perfect…and he can smile again.
The End
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no subject
Date: 2005-01-18 01:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-18 01:29 pm (UTC)*blushes and smiles nervously* You liked it then?
I've been cutting myself up thinking everyone were going to kill me or somethin'...
*shakes head* Sorry. I'm in a mood...Anyway, your kind words really, really, made the sun shine today.
Thanks so much! *warm embrace*
no subject
Date: 2005-01-18 01:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-18 01:58 pm (UTC)*blushes and smiles* Thank you, lov. Your kind words means the world to me *warm embrace*
no subject
Date: 2005-01-18 02:32 pm (UTC)~Kris
no subject
Date: 2005-01-18 02:40 pm (UTC)*deep blush* Thanks so much! *hugs and kisses*
you capture all their emotions and fears so well!
*blushes and smiles warmly* Thank you.
Your kind words means the world to me and really turned the bad day I was having into a good day. Thank you! *hugs and kisses*
no subject
Date: 2005-01-18 04:34 pm (UTC)I am jealous, though, of Viggo's world. I admit that mine can be grey. I want some color too ;)
no subject
Date: 2005-01-18 04:57 pm (UTC)*blushes and beams* Thanks so much! *warm embrace*
I am jealous, though, of Viggo's world. I admit that mine can be grey. I want some color too ;)
*grins* So would I!
Thanks so much for your kind and great FB; it means the world to me. *hugs and kisses*
no subject
Date: 2005-01-19 02:14 am (UTC)In the very early 80's my friends and I used to trip around Manhattan, in the wee hours of the morning, scoping out afterhours going in and out of them looking to party. We ran into a few S&M clubs not realizing (not like they advertise)we'd have a drink and a looksy then high-tail our asses out of there, brother, this story brought it all back, very well written and very visual...
When I first started reading these fics...your stories where at the top...I pretty much have my favorite authors on my FL *grins*, and I am so happy that you are writing again!!! *more power to you...and keep them coming...love and tight hugs*~lbl~
no subject
Date: 2005-01-19 08:33 am (UTC)*deep blush* You make that sound like such a good thing. *warm embrace*
In the very early 80's my friends and I used to trip around Manhattan, in the wee hours of the morning, scoping out afterhours going in and out of them looking to party. We ran into a few S&M clubs not realizing (not like they advertise)we'd have a drink and a looksy then high-tail our asses out of there, brother, this story brought it all back, very well written and very visual...
Thank you so much. *hugs you close*
Man, I envy you! Cruising Manhattan! Wish it was me ;)
When I first started reading these fics...your stories where at the top...I pretty much have my favorite authors on my FL *grins*, and I am so happy that you are writing again!!! *more power to you...and keep them coming...love and tight hugs*~lbl~
*deep blush* Your words honour me. You leave me speechless.
Thanks so much for your kind FB. It means the world to me and keeps me writing. Thank you! *hugs and kisses*
[You're such a sweetheart. Can I take you home with me? ;) ]
no subject
Date: 2005-01-19 02:15 pm (UTC)*soft chuckles* Anytime you want to talk...shoot the breeze or vent steam...my LJ, and email will always be open to you...if your ever in my neck of the woods then so is my door.*tight hug*~lbl~
no subject
Date: 2005-01-19 09:43 pm (UTC)*soft chuckles* Anytime you want to talk...shoot the breeze or vent steam...my LJ, and email will always be open to you...
*warm smile* Thank you and likewise. I'll love to get to know you better. *blows a kiss*
if your ever in my neck of the woods then so is my door.*tight hug*~lbl~
*smiles* Thanks, lov. That means a lot. And likewise *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2005-01-20 12:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-20 01:08 pm (UTC)*blushes* I'm honoured
you have a real feel for darker fics ...
Thank you *warm embrace*
this still makes my chest hurt!!
*blushes and beams* That is a great compliment; thank you.
*warm embrace and kisses you all better*