Green Dark by Shegollum - Part 2

[shegollum.livejournal.com]

Title: Green Dark
Author: shegollum
Pairing: Viggo/Bean
Rating: R? implied sex (rough...perhaps non-con)
Summary: Morning after the night before...where are they in this strange new space?
Warnings: Angst; mental cruelty/instability
Disclaimer: All made up in my wee little brain. No truth in it at all. Please do not even BEGIN to think that either of these much beloved men had anything to do with this or influenced it in any way other than by their undeniable hotness. ;-)
Archive: Viggo-Cursive and rugbytackle
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For better or worse, its evolving into a longer story in my brain.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~


I’d been the one to go to you.

I dropped into New York while you were there promoting “The Island”. Just wanted to buy you a few beers and catch up, I thought. That really was all I intended when I booked the flight. It is only now that I see that more was inevitable.

I’d seen you there with her. A beauty, to be sure. But you and I both knew it wasn’t right.

We greeted each other politely and I was flirtatious in a way that I knew annoyed you. What I didn’t know was whether you were jealous of my attention to her. Or my lack of it to you.

It had always been up to me in your eyes. And in mine, it simply wasn’t an option. I was the one with the experience with men and you most decidedly had none. But even still, we both knew there was something simmering between us from the beginning. You toyed with it, worried at it…but never came too close.

And that was fine. We were such friends then. A fit for a need that I hadn’t even known I’d had. Men’s men. Mates. Beer drinkers and hell raisers. I might have wanted something more physical…but didn’t need it then like I did eventually.

I thought what we did would assuage that need. Allow me to put it behind me once and for all.

It did not. Instead, I feel raw and unsatisfied. There is a new wound in me now. One that challenges long-practiced skills to hide it away as it needs to be. As it will be.

Back then, you were so fucking…fucked… anyway. Straight out of another car wreck of a relationship and undoubtedly looking for any ass you could get. No way was I going to be the fling after the messy divorce. No fucking way.

But I was the friend, the shoulder, the designated driver – all of those very key roles following a divorce. I flatter myself to think I helped you then. Kept you from brooding into that cold, cold stupor I’ve seen you in before. Made you do pointless things like writing and painting. Laughed until we cried at the stupidest things imaginable only because pot and booze made it hysterical. Got you to go clubbing with a group of insane young men who projected exuberance perhaps forgotten, hidden.

And I could look you right in the eye then. The green clarity under those strong brows…an ability there to shut out light and make that green a flat dark that I am not sure you even realize you have – even after all your years of acting. There was a point past which I was not welcome and I knew when I approached it by the darkness that mixed into the green of that gaze.

I’m on the other side of that now…but I will not look to see what change is in those eyes.

I have a line in my brain somewhere, too…and you are not welcome past that. Not now. Not ever. Not even then when we were just friends.

And I will not look in those eyes again. If I did…and I saw the green dark now…there would be no way back into anything I need. And I can’t endure the loss of everything.

Comments

[rotpunkt.livejournal.com]

Yeah! You did it! It´s going to continue! I like how you take your time for the development... for the background story. It´s great that you let the story happen now, in the actual situation with Sean´s new girl-friend (makes it even more exciting).
"There was a point past which I was not welcome and I knew when I approached it by the darkness that mixed into the green of that gaze.
I’m on the other side of that now…but I will not look to see what change is in those eyes."
This says it all - it´s like the essence of their relationship so far. And I can so well imagine that darkness in Sean´s eyes... (though I hope it won´t stay...)
Great job!

[shegollum.livejournal.com]

ty so much, sweets. i truly appreciate the support. i am enjoying this one. i am a real split personality in my RL -- very caustic behind a very 'beige' exterior...so its fun to let the mask slip -- vicariously, of course -- just a wee bit, heh? ;-)

i read your latest yesterday and am loving it!!!! and owe you comments. sorry i suck at that so much!!!

[baby-sheigh.livejournal.com]

You know I complain when you tease me like this. I'd like to see where you can take this angsty, dark piece. I have a feeling it won't end well, but, oddly enough, that's not bothering me.