Green Dark by Shegollum - 3/?

[shegollum.livejournal.com]

Title: Green Dark
Author: shegollum
Pairing: Viggo/Bean
Rating: R - NC17 (I dunno how to be a rating board, I guess!)
Summary: Morning after the night before...where are they in this strange new space?
Warnings: Angst; mental cruelty/instability; possibly non-con
Disclaimer: All made up in my wee little brain. No truth in it at all. Please do not even BEGIN to think that either of these much beloved men had anything to do with this or influenced it in any way other than by their undeniable hotness. ;-)
Archive: Viggo-Cursive and rugbytackle

A/N: Not beta'd. All errors are completely mine and mine alone.

Also, rape is not something I toy around with in fiction...not really. I know the reality and the fantasy are two different things and I can deal with that, but having had a relevant experience of this sort myself, just know that I have limits on how dark I think I can go into that specific scenario. This story is more mentally dark than physically, I suppose if that makes any sense at all...

I would love to hear feedback please. Any and all welcome.

-- shegollum

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Previous chapters here: http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=shegollum&keyword=Green+Dark&filter=all



GREEN

DARK

I never understood exactly why you resisted our attraction so much. You always played it off when there was danger of some long-repressed feeling boiling over into something more definitive – you became aloof, distant, hid behind a façade of such fucking arrogance that I ended up wanting to just beat the shit out of you, not kiss you, not love you.

Whatever you were doing, it succeeded in keeping us apart despite what I knew. And what you knew, too.

Was it because you were scared of what it might mean to admit your attraction to a man? To me? Is that why it scared you so? Or was it because it was a threat to your bank balance? To the stock in trade – the roguish lady killer – you’d worked so well for so long? I never could tell for sure how deep your longing went. Whether you would have fucked me once – if you could have ensured that all elements and memories of that event could be completely and totally hidden and controlled by you – and been done with me. Or if you would have wanted more. And if it ever would have been okay.

I only know that when we were in a pub, crowded into a booth with all the others, I could feel the warmth of you against me and I could sense how you tightened your body – cognizant of a difference in how we touched and a need to guard against it. I recall that party at Pete’s – myself and Orlando in the kitchen talking, me leaning against the counter and him facing me – and you squeezed by him to reach for a bottle of wine behind me. Your mouth came so close to mine as I stood right there in the way, and for the tiniest of moments, your eyes flickered to my lips and your tongue licked at the corner of your own and I thought we would kiss. And then I saw the decision in you – never saw your eyes but didn’t need to – the tightening of the corners of your mouth, the sly evolution as it formed into a grin – as you grabbed the bottle and retreated to the middle of the room, engaging the nonthreatening child in the room in a conversation that kept you safe.

It built up over time – this anger and sense of denial. I knew what you felt – could see it in you, knew it as a match for my own wants – but you insisted on being so derisive, so unspeakingly scornful of what you knew nothing about.

Fear makes people do odd things.

As does anger.

I suppose I’d finally had it. My own fears overtook me. Fear of us never coming to pass. We were never going to break through your fear, your barriers, your fucking stubbornness unless you found a way to let go.

And for some people, the only way to let go is to have all of the control taken from them. To make the decision no longer theirs.

So I did that. For you.

To you.

Despite you.

I acted. And I failed us. Even as I tried to save us, I failed us both.

I woke with such fear and regret for having hurt you. I’d let my guard down for just that one instant and I’d acted on it without any of the second guessing I’d done ever since I met you.

I went with my feelings.

And I followed your body’s signals. I let myself believe that you would have stopped it – stopped me – if you’d really wanted to. I felt your anger as I first shoved you back against the wall and pinned you there, our eyes locked together, your wrists caught in my hands. You fought, but not with as much strength as I know you have.

And when I pressed against you there in that dark room, I heard your hiss as my thigh touched your hardness, saw the underside of your jaw as your head dropped back against the wall. And that position of submission – the exposure of your throat to my mouth – spoke volumes that I could no longer not hear. I recall the first taste of your skin – salty and warm, the texture a smoothness protected by faint stiff stubble. My eyes closed with the need to know only that sensation, but they quickly flew open in surprise whn I felt your hips tilting against me, your cock searching for more pressure against me. Hungrily our mouths met and the kisses were something far less gentle than any I’d ever had yet they moved me -- reached me in a way that spoke to me as the animal we all work so hard to hide. I was lost in the struggle of those kisses, the fierce thrust of your tongue, the sheer strength of the teeth and jaws behind the cunning welcome of your lips.

All of this gave me reason to think we’d already broken past those barriers. That it would be easier than I’d hoped and that only the smallest amount of encouragement would allow you to see.

And I let your hands go.

And wonderfully, unbelievably, you used them to cradle my face for a moment, to hold me still while you kissed more deeply, moaning into my mouth as my own hands found your back, your hips, the firm muscle of your ass.

I recall slipping my hands under your shirt, feeling for the first time the hidden skin of the man that I have loved for so long. And then you were pulling away to look at me, those green eyes laser-sharp with what I thought was want. Yet you looked at me too long and I felt the fear coming back and with it came anger. You couldn’t be planning to pull away again. I was overwhelmed at the possibility and I reacted fiercely.

I pushed harder then, willing us back into that space we’d only just found, wanting our need for each other to be the common ground beneath us again. I heard you murmur ‘wait’ but I needed to taste you again, needed to know that you could be mine like that. Right then, before you shut me out again.

And that is when I made my choice. It was my choice to abdicate my reason.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As soon as I left you, I was sick. Guilt and despair were washing over me and I was sick with it, making it no further than the lobby restrooms before I vomited.

I was shaking with the knowledge of how I must have hurt you and what I may have caused you to lose.

You seemed to finally be in a relationship that looked like it could work and I’d knocked it right out from under you. My mind was furiously racing for a way to protect you now from the colossal stupidity of my actions. I had to make you think this was nothing – a Saturday night fuck and nothing more. Saying what I said to you – the way that I said it – all of it left me sick and shaking and full of hate for myself.

But then that is where my truest strength comes into play. I can always retreat behind that line in my brain. The border beyond which no one needs to see. No one gets to see. Not even you.

And that is where I am now. Shattered. And sorry. So very, very sorry, my friend, for what I have done.

My love.

Comments

[shebit.livejournal.com]

Dark but interesting.

[shegollum.livejournal.com]

ty, sweets.

[sohofaerie.livejournal.com]

Wow. This is very dark and different. I like the eerie tone you've achieved here. The deep regret in V's narration, which jars so well with the relentlessness of his feelings and apparently uncontrollable actions. Yeek. *g*

Getting into the mindset of obsession isn't easy. But I think you've captured the war between reason and passion, that's going on in V's mind, without veering off into madness. At least not yet.

Ooooh, I'm riveted now. Can't wait for the next chapter!

[shegollum.livejournal.com]

TY so much. I'm very glad that you are giving it a chance! TY, sweets!

[lab-jazz.livejournal.com]

I can't wait to read more. You write so well...I could feel the regret, the pain, the complexities of Viggo's emotions.

[shegollum.livejournal.com]

Thank you. This one is harder to write...but I am enjoying the thought process. And thank you bunches for your supportive comments!

[sveta-111.livejournal.com]

This "inner monologue" is very dramatic.
Thank you for this unusual story.

[shegollum.livejournal.com]

TY, love. I'm trying! ;-)

[rotpunkt.livejournal.com]

It´s great how you make the complicated inner developments and changes understandable. I was shocked in the end that there are even more problems than I thought before - Viggo not only half forced Sean, but then lied to him, hiding his true feelings and surely hurting him even more... Oh god. I hope they can work that out. You write the inner dialogue very well and I feel so much with Viggo.

[shegollum.livejournal.com]

TY for this feedback. I love that you're here with me on this one! :-)