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rugbytackleTitle: The Sharing of Dreams
Author: Rocketbalm
Pairing: SB/VM
Rating: R-ish
Summary: Sean realizes his depth of feeling for Viggo, can he deal with that?
Content/warnings: Angst or should I say ANGST
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: A work of my modestly twisted mind -- complete fiction. Never happened. Don’t know these people, sadly all in my imagination.
Archive rights: sure, ask first please
Chapter 7 -- Never Is a Long Time
Fuck, fuck, fuck… yeah right there, so good… I can’t take my eyes off his mouth, his beautiful scarred and talented mouth, sliding down my glistening shaft, lapping at my head, spit mixed with pre-cum. I gasp as his tongue licks a long, broad swipe up my sensitive length, like velvet on steel, before swallowing me whole again. Why, didn’t we do this sooner? Fuck that feels good… so close, so close, yeah right there. Blue eyes lock on mine, his tongue flickers eagerly across my slit, then dipping in to sample what I have to offer. Teasing, tasting, pushing me closer to the edge. He holds down my hip with one hand and firmly graps the base of my cock with the other. My eyes begin their slow roll backward as I feel myself going over the edge. I come harder than I ever have before, and he takes it all, closing his eyes to savor my offering. I can’t hold back and cry out his name… As I shudder and twitch, a flash of silver brings me back. The ring of Barahir, tangled on the finger of the hand gripping my cock… twin serpents, whose eyes were emeralds, and their heads met beneath a crown of golden flowers, that the one upheld and the other devoured… Devoured... my god what have I done!
I wake screaming his name, come and sweat cooling the heat radiating from my body; another bloody dream about him. There’s no denying it now. The battle that rages between my mind and body cannot ignore how I ache for him and yet I know I can’t. It’s this place, this land of make-believe. Surrounded by a predominantly male cast that thinks nothing of touching and kissing, albeit, playfully. Well mostly, playing -- Hobbits and Elves have been known to share more than outrageous tastes in music. That’s not who I am, thinks Sean. More importantly, not who I want to be. Sean promises himself that nothing will change. They can remain friends and not talk about what happened, or what didn’t happen.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
After the initial few awkward moments they settled back into the familiar routine of their friendship with a few subtle differences that only a keen observer would notice. And Orli did. He was use to seeing the open longing in Viggo’s sidelong glances at Sean whenever he thought no one was looking. What was different was the tortured looks Sean was giving Vig when he thought he wasn’t being observed. The two men still laughed and shared closeness but now there was a thin invisible barrier that separated them physically. Viggo was careful to put his arm along the back of the chair instead casually slinging it over Sean’s shoulders as he once would have. Raucous rugby tackles ceased to catch innocent bystanders by surprise – they just didn’t happen anymore. It was as if the physicality of their relationship had just gone. No touches, no arm punches, no hair ruffles, just gone. It was replaced by an electrical undercurrent that threatened to spark at any moment. Orli furrowed his brow. Instinctively he knew whatever was going on, he might be needed to pick up the pieces, soothe feelings, or worst case, stop someone from getting hurt.
Orlando didn’t have to wait long. And when everything imploded, he had already figured out that speaking to Viggo would be the best approach. Viggo was the one who need the most immediate comforting. Viggo needed a friend and Orlando was going to be that for him.
“Viggo, what’s going on with you and Sean?” Asked Orlando as they sat on the back deck of Viggo’s house.
Startled, Viggo looked at Orlando with a tight gaze, “Nothing, why?” So this is why Orli invited himself over. What the hell does he know? God, Sean will die if anyone suspects anything. He thought, slightly panicked.
“Well,” Orlando began, looking at Viggo compassionately, trying to let him know that it was okay. “You both have this amazing relationship that we’re all envious of. You can talk all day about everything or nothing or just sit together enjoying what’s going on around you without effort.” Orli leaned in to continue. “You guys have a better relationship than most married people. Everyone can feel how special that bond is, it’s not a secret. What is a secret though is the way you look at each other when you think the other isn’t looking – and no one is looking that closely, except probably me.”
Viggo kept his head down, feeling his skin begin to flush with embarrassment.
Orli continued “Then about a week ago, everything still appeared normal, unless you looked really closely. Suddenly you guys stopped all your playful hugs, or slugs on the arm. Basically avoiding any possibility of touching each other unless absolutely necessary.”
Fuck, Orli knows way too much. Viggo put his head into his hands, knowing intuitively what was coming.
“Then today,” Viggo shook his head not wanting to hear the rest. Orli put a gentle hand on his arm and continued. “Today, You were both more comfortable with each other than you been all week. During a break the two of you went off on your own a little way and sat in the grass overlooking the valley. I started to follow but you were lost in your own world. Instead I just watched you both from the edge of the trees. You were trying to show Sean something out in the valley and he couldn’t see it. You put your arm around his shoulders and pulled him close pointing off in the distance at what you were looking at.” Orli’s voice was low and comforting. “Your heads were close together and you were both talking animatedly before becoming very still. Your arm drifted down Sean’s back and began to trace a random pattern on his shirt.”
Viggo’s shoulder’s hunched forward as the tears started to well up in his eyes.
“Sean’s head was resting against yours and you both turned to look at one another, foreheads touching.” Orli stopped, trying to judge if he should go on. The silence stretched and became painful. With a sigh Viggo continued the narrative.
“And everything became completely still”, Orli squeezed his arm in encouragement. “All sound seemed to cease except for the pounding of my heart in my chest. I thought,” Viggo faltered and Orli rubbed his back to continue. “I thought,” Viggo sobbed, “he was going to kiss me, or he wanted to be kissed. I don’t know. I just. I don’t even know who moved or if we both did. I just know I felt my lips pressing softly against his. And then,” He couldn’t go on so Orli ended it for him “he pushed you away.”
Viggo was sobbing heavily now, curled into the Elf’s arms. “He pushed me away. He couldn’t get away fast enough.” The hurt and disbelief in Viggo’s voice was unbearable. Orli, soothed and rocked Viggo, murmuring to him and telling him would be okay, though he wasn’t sure it would be. After a while Viggo went limp and was so still, Orli wondered if he had fallen sleep.
He felt a muffled, voice against his chest. “What am I going to do, Orli?” Viggo asked forlornly.
"I don’t know Vig, I don’t know.” Orli replied. “I do know, that he loves you Vig. You can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice when talks to you or about you. It’s like whatever he’s saying is for you alone. Don’t doubt that he loves you.” Orli rested his chin on Viggo’s head. “I think he’s confused. God knows he’s always been straight. All these feelings must be a great shock to him.” Orli spoke quietly, “He doesn’t know how to deal with them. You have to give him time.”
“I don’t have time” Viggo explained. “He leaves for London in two days.”
“He’ll be back at the end of the month, three weeks. Give him that time to sort this out.” Added Orli hopefully.
Out front they heard car screech to a halt and a door slam. Viggo, disentangled himself from the Elf and with a defeated look in his eyes he mouthed “Sean”.
“Go talk to him,” Whispered Orli, propelling him toward the house, in time to hear a loud banging on the front door..
“Viggo! Open the fucking door!” Snarled Sean his accent thick with drink and emotion. Viggo turned the lock but didn’t open the door. He walked back into the dark and sat on the couch and waited. Sean, hearing the lock turn and realizing that Viggo wasn’t going to open the door for him, snatched it open and strode in, blinking in the darkness, his eyes trying to adjust.
“”Where the fuck are you?” momentarily disoriented.
“I’m right here Sean. On the couch. Why? You looking to hit me?” he asked softly.
That stopped Sean in his tracks -- stunned. He thinks I’m gonna hurt him. Sean took a deep breath and try to calm himself.
“No Vig,” He hesitated “I just want to know why?”
“Why what, Sean?” Wanting to hear Sean’s voice again, wanting to hear him say it.
“Why did you kiss me?” Sean sat on the couch turning sideways to face him “Why?”
“I thought you wanted me to.” Viggo’s voice was clear and determined, “I thought you wanted *me*.”
“Why would I want that Viggo?” In a low, almost seductive tone “I’m not gay. Last time I checked – and I did check remember -- either were you. Or, did you lie to me back then Vig. Is that what happened? Never knew you to be a coward, so why would you lie to me?” Viggo ached as he heard the hurt in Sean’s voice.
So that’s it… Sean thinks I lied to him. Viggo thought, starting to understand where the younger man’s head was at, “I didn’t lie Sean”.
“Really. So explain it to me then -- the kiss and everything else.” not wanting to mention exactly what everything else was. “What happened, you fly down here and suddenly decide you want to fuck men and think I might want to have go at that too. Is that what happened? Cause I’m really confused here, Vig.” Sean’s voice dripped with disgust and anger, shielding himself from his own feelings.
Viggo looked at him for a long time – reading the emotions that flickered across Sean’s face. Everything seemed to blur and then in a heart beat came clarity. He understood exactly what Sean was feeling. It wasn’t that he thought Viggo lied. He was scared; scared of the powerful feelings that he had for Viggo and scared of the intensity of the feelings that Viggo had for him. He was lashing out in attempt to deny the feelings, and find some sort of familiar territory that he could retreat into. In that moment, Viggo knew that Sean needed to hear the absolute truth without any regard for what might happen after that. He steeled himself and took a deep breath.
“I think,” he began in steady almost cold tone “that you know *exactly* what happened. I’ve never had any desire to go out and fuck men, as you so eloquently put it. Not saying that I haven’t experimented when I was married to Exene, I just never wanted to go out and find a man to fuck. Still don’t. I’m not gay. The sin I committed Sean, was I fell in love with the person who makes me feel better than anyone in the world, outside of Henry. The person who makes me feel secure when I’m not sure of anything; the person I want to protect from hurt and pain; the person who makes me laugh when I’m sad and makes me content just to be in the same room with, doing nothing in particular. That person just happens to be you, and as it happens you are a man.” His words were delivered in a calm and deliberate tone, Viggo steadied his gaze on Sean before continuing.
“I didn’t want it to happen, Sean. I even denied it. But, as you are well aware, you can’t deny feelings forever Sean. They just are. I may be confused about a lot of things when it comes to this, but of one thing I’m fairly certain Sean; that you know exactly what I mean and how I feel.” His eyes were almost icy when he finished.
Sean felt sick. Viggo saw right through him, loved him even. Sean knew then that he didn’t have the strength it took, that he was the coward. He may love Viggo, even be in love with him, but he couldn’t be with him. The sex part he could probably deal with, God knows he’d dreamed of it; it was the being with part, their families, his girls, Henry, their careers, all of it, that he couldn’t deal with. That made him a coward. He could feel the bile rising in his throat. He narrowed his eyes in an attempt to be detached before answering.
“*You* can hide behind words to justify this. But I can’t. I won’t. I never will. Never!” With that Sean pushed himself off the couch in a rush, not knowing if he would make to the door without being sick. Can’t let him see what a coward I am. As he reached the door and flung it open he heard it, barely audible.
“*Never* is a long time Sean.”
The words propelled him off the porch, stumbling, he barely made it to the car before retching.
TBC
Author: Rocketbalm
Pairing: SB/VM
Rating: R-ish
Summary: Sean realizes his depth of feeling for Viggo, can he deal with that?
Content/warnings: Angst or should I say ANGST
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: A work of my modestly twisted mind -- complete fiction. Never happened. Don’t know these people, sadly all in my imagination.
Archive rights: sure, ask first please
Chapter 7 -- Never Is a Long Time
Fuck, fuck, fuck… yeah right there, so good… I can’t take my eyes off his mouth, his beautiful scarred and talented mouth, sliding down my glistening shaft, lapping at my head, spit mixed with pre-cum. I gasp as his tongue licks a long, broad swipe up my sensitive length, like velvet on steel, before swallowing me whole again. Why, didn’t we do this sooner? Fuck that feels good… so close, so close, yeah right there. Blue eyes lock on mine, his tongue flickers eagerly across my slit, then dipping in to sample what I have to offer. Teasing, tasting, pushing me closer to the edge. He holds down my hip with one hand and firmly graps the base of my cock with the other. My eyes begin their slow roll backward as I feel myself going over the edge. I come harder than I ever have before, and he takes it all, closing his eyes to savor my offering. I can’t hold back and cry out his name… As I shudder and twitch, a flash of silver brings me back. The ring of Barahir, tangled on the finger of the hand gripping my cock… twin serpents, whose eyes were emeralds, and their heads met beneath a crown of golden flowers, that the one upheld and the other devoured… Devoured... my god what have I done!
I wake screaming his name, come and sweat cooling the heat radiating from my body; another bloody dream about him. There’s no denying it now. The battle that rages between my mind and body cannot ignore how I ache for him and yet I know I can’t. It’s this place, this land of make-believe. Surrounded by a predominantly male cast that thinks nothing of touching and kissing, albeit, playfully. Well mostly, playing -- Hobbits and Elves have been known to share more than outrageous tastes in music. That’s not who I am, thinks Sean. More importantly, not who I want to be. Sean promises himself that nothing will change. They can remain friends and not talk about what happened, or what didn’t happen.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=
After the initial few awkward moments they settled back into the familiar routine of their friendship with a few subtle differences that only a keen observer would notice. And Orli did. He was use to seeing the open longing in Viggo’s sidelong glances at Sean whenever he thought no one was looking. What was different was the tortured looks Sean was giving Vig when he thought he wasn’t being observed. The two men still laughed and shared closeness but now there was a thin invisible barrier that separated them physically. Viggo was careful to put his arm along the back of the chair instead casually slinging it over Sean’s shoulders as he once would have. Raucous rugby tackles ceased to catch innocent bystanders by surprise – they just didn’t happen anymore. It was as if the physicality of their relationship had just gone. No touches, no arm punches, no hair ruffles, just gone. It was replaced by an electrical undercurrent that threatened to spark at any moment. Orli furrowed his brow. Instinctively he knew whatever was going on, he might be needed to pick up the pieces, soothe feelings, or worst case, stop someone from getting hurt.
Orlando didn’t have to wait long. And when everything imploded, he had already figured out that speaking to Viggo would be the best approach. Viggo was the one who need the most immediate comforting. Viggo needed a friend and Orlando was going to be that for him.
“Viggo, what’s going on with you and Sean?” Asked Orlando as they sat on the back deck of Viggo’s house.
Startled, Viggo looked at Orlando with a tight gaze, “Nothing, why?” So this is why Orli invited himself over. What the hell does he know? God, Sean will die if anyone suspects anything. He thought, slightly panicked.
“Well,” Orlando began, looking at Viggo compassionately, trying to let him know that it was okay. “You both have this amazing relationship that we’re all envious of. You can talk all day about everything or nothing or just sit together enjoying what’s going on around you without effort.” Orli leaned in to continue. “You guys have a better relationship than most married people. Everyone can feel how special that bond is, it’s not a secret. What is a secret though is the way you look at each other when you think the other isn’t looking – and no one is looking that closely, except probably me.”
Viggo kept his head down, feeling his skin begin to flush with embarrassment.
Orli continued “Then about a week ago, everything still appeared normal, unless you looked really closely. Suddenly you guys stopped all your playful hugs, or slugs on the arm. Basically avoiding any possibility of touching each other unless absolutely necessary.”
Fuck, Orli knows way too much. Viggo put his head into his hands, knowing intuitively what was coming.
“Then today,” Viggo shook his head not wanting to hear the rest. Orli put a gentle hand on his arm and continued. “Today, You were both more comfortable with each other than you been all week. During a break the two of you went off on your own a little way and sat in the grass overlooking the valley. I started to follow but you were lost in your own world. Instead I just watched you both from the edge of the trees. You were trying to show Sean something out in the valley and he couldn’t see it. You put your arm around his shoulders and pulled him close pointing off in the distance at what you were looking at.” Orli’s voice was low and comforting. “Your heads were close together and you were both talking animatedly before becoming very still. Your arm drifted down Sean’s back and began to trace a random pattern on his shirt.”
Viggo’s shoulder’s hunched forward as the tears started to well up in his eyes.
“Sean’s head was resting against yours and you both turned to look at one another, foreheads touching.” Orli stopped, trying to judge if he should go on. The silence stretched and became painful. With a sigh Viggo continued the narrative.
“And everything became completely still”, Orli squeezed his arm in encouragement. “All sound seemed to cease except for the pounding of my heart in my chest. I thought,” Viggo faltered and Orli rubbed his back to continue. “I thought,” Viggo sobbed, “he was going to kiss me, or he wanted to be kissed. I don’t know. I just. I don’t even know who moved or if we both did. I just know I felt my lips pressing softly against his. And then,” He couldn’t go on so Orli ended it for him “he pushed you away.”
Viggo was sobbing heavily now, curled into the Elf’s arms. “He pushed me away. He couldn’t get away fast enough.” The hurt and disbelief in Viggo’s voice was unbearable. Orli, soothed and rocked Viggo, murmuring to him and telling him would be okay, though he wasn’t sure it would be. After a while Viggo went limp and was so still, Orli wondered if he had fallen sleep.
He felt a muffled, voice against his chest. “What am I going to do, Orli?” Viggo asked forlornly.
"I don’t know Vig, I don’t know.” Orli replied. “I do know, that he loves you Vig. You can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice when talks to you or about you. It’s like whatever he’s saying is for you alone. Don’t doubt that he loves you.” Orli rested his chin on Viggo’s head. “I think he’s confused. God knows he’s always been straight. All these feelings must be a great shock to him.” Orli spoke quietly, “He doesn’t know how to deal with them. You have to give him time.”
“I don’t have time” Viggo explained. “He leaves for London in two days.”
“He’ll be back at the end of the month, three weeks. Give him that time to sort this out.” Added Orli hopefully.
Out front they heard car screech to a halt and a door slam. Viggo, disentangled himself from the Elf and with a defeated look in his eyes he mouthed “Sean”.
“Go talk to him,” Whispered Orli, propelling him toward the house, in time to hear a loud banging on the front door..
“Viggo! Open the fucking door!” Snarled Sean his accent thick with drink and emotion. Viggo turned the lock but didn’t open the door. He walked back into the dark and sat on the couch and waited. Sean, hearing the lock turn and realizing that Viggo wasn’t going to open the door for him, snatched it open and strode in, blinking in the darkness, his eyes trying to adjust.
“”Where the fuck are you?” momentarily disoriented.
“I’m right here Sean. On the couch. Why? You looking to hit me?” he asked softly.
That stopped Sean in his tracks -- stunned. He thinks I’m gonna hurt him. Sean took a deep breath and try to calm himself.
“No Vig,” He hesitated “I just want to know why?”
“Why what, Sean?” Wanting to hear Sean’s voice again, wanting to hear him say it.
“Why did you kiss me?” Sean sat on the couch turning sideways to face him “Why?”
“I thought you wanted me to.” Viggo’s voice was clear and determined, “I thought you wanted *me*.”
“Why would I want that Viggo?” In a low, almost seductive tone “I’m not gay. Last time I checked – and I did check remember -- either were you. Or, did you lie to me back then Vig. Is that what happened? Never knew you to be a coward, so why would you lie to me?” Viggo ached as he heard the hurt in Sean’s voice.
So that’s it… Sean thinks I lied to him. Viggo thought, starting to understand where the younger man’s head was at, “I didn’t lie Sean”.
“Really. So explain it to me then -- the kiss and everything else.” not wanting to mention exactly what everything else was. “What happened, you fly down here and suddenly decide you want to fuck men and think I might want to have go at that too. Is that what happened? Cause I’m really confused here, Vig.” Sean’s voice dripped with disgust and anger, shielding himself from his own feelings.
Viggo looked at him for a long time – reading the emotions that flickered across Sean’s face. Everything seemed to blur and then in a heart beat came clarity. He understood exactly what Sean was feeling. It wasn’t that he thought Viggo lied. He was scared; scared of the powerful feelings that he had for Viggo and scared of the intensity of the feelings that Viggo had for him. He was lashing out in attempt to deny the feelings, and find some sort of familiar territory that he could retreat into. In that moment, Viggo knew that Sean needed to hear the absolute truth without any regard for what might happen after that. He steeled himself and took a deep breath.
“I think,” he began in steady almost cold tone “that you know *exactly* what happened. I’ve never had any desire to go out and fuck men, as you so eloquently put it. Not saying that I haven’t experimented when I was married to Exene, I just never wanted to go out and find a man to fuck. Still don’t. I’m not gay. The sin I committed Sean, was I fell in love with the person who makes me feel better than anyone in the world, outside of Henry. The person who makes me feel secure when I’m not sure of anything; the person I want to protect from hurt and pain; the person who makes me laugh when I’m sad and makes me content just to be in the same room with, doing nothing in particular. That person just happens to be you, and as it happens you are a man.” His words were delivered in a calm and deliberate tone, Viggo steadied his gaze on Sean before continuing.
“I didn’t want it to happen, Sean. I even denied it. But, as you are well aware, you can’t deny feelings forever Sean. They just are. I may be confused about a lot of things when it comes to this, but of one thing I’m fairly certain Sean; that you know exactly what I mean and how I feel.” His eyes were almost icy when he finished.
Sean felt sick. Viggo saw right through him, loved him even. Sean knew then that he didn’t have the strength it took, that he was the coward. He may love Viggo, even be in love with him, but he couldn’t be with him. The sex part he could probably deal with, God knows he’d dreamed of it; it was the being with part, their families, his girls, Henry, their careers, all of it, that he couldn’t deal with. That made him a coward. He could feel the bile rising in his throat. He narrowed his eyes in an attempt to be detached before answering.
“*You* can hide behind words to justify this. But I can’t. I won’t. I never will. Never!” With that Sean pushed himself off the couch in a rush, not knowing if he would make to the door without being sick. Can’t let him see what a coward I am. As he reached the door and flung it open he heard it, barely audible.
“*Never* is a long time Sean.”
The words propelled him off the porch, stumbling, he barely made it to the car before retching.
TBC
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-09-15 06:21 pm (UTC)I'd love for you to friend me.
cheers, rb
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Date: 2005-09-15 09:27 am (UTC)Chapter 3 is the chapter I love most,since so much warmth there.It make it harder to accept that Sean hurt Viggo so deep in Chapter 6&7!!!!
However,I believe something will convince Sean the importance of Viggo's there by his side(Not only as a friend )!!And the shooting of dead scene is no doubt a difficult part to handle with,is it???Looking forward more!!!
Could I add you to my Flist??
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Date: 2005-09-15 06:21 pm (UTC)I'd love for you to friend me.
cheers, rb
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Date: 2005-09-15 04:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-15 06:38 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading, rb
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Date: 2005-09-16 02:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-16 03:14 am (UTC)Cheers, rb
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Date: 2005-09-16 06:57 pm (UTC)I've taken the liberty of adding you to my flist, hope you don't mind ... ;-)
PS: I'm sorry to hear about your health problems and hope you'll improve soon!!! *puts healing hands on your shoulder*
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Date: 2005-09-16 07:25 pm (UTC)cheers, rb