rugbytackle | Shower

Title: Shower

Pairing: SB/VM
Rating: R

Archive: Rugbytackling

Summary: Sean has regrets..

DISCLAIMER: I don’t know this men, it never happened, it’s all just in my head!

He finds himself in the shower. Must be the fourth time this day. He’s read about people doing that. Like some sort of neurosis.

Washing dirt away. He’s too intelligent to not know what he’s doing. But why the hell is he trying to wash away non visible dirt?

He’s not doing this unconsciously, he does it while he knows it won’t work. You can’t erase that kind of guilt and dirt. He knows.

He thinks back at their first meeting. About the following nights, the ones he spent without sleeping. Because it was already polluting his brain.

He tried to cure himself, taking home the hottest datest, the curviest ones, the ones he didn’t have to talk with. The ones who almost dragged him to the bed room. It didn’t work.

All this time he tried to act like a friend, knowing very well he was acting. It was wrong, it went straight against all ethics he had. One of the rules high upon his moral’s list.

It had nothing to do with Viggo being a man. He had been there before, done that before. But you just don’t use tricks on friends. And he crossed that line. Used tricks.

He wanted to have him so badly and knew he couldn’t. A man like Viggo would not be interested if he knew him for what he was. So he put up a show.

Told him about his broken marriages, his inabillity to keep up relations. Asking for help, knowing Viggo would go for that. Telling him he needed him, needed comfort and that way luring Viggo into that kiss.

And luring him into his bed and into him. That’s when he lost track, just let all plotting and planning go and lost himself into Viggo.

It was better and worse than he’d imagined. Better, because it was more then he ever dreamt off. And worse for the way he got there. Scheming and betraying trust.

The first thing on his list was to never betray a friend’s trust. And that’s what Viggo was in the first place, a friend. Something sacred. And he betrayed him.

He had thought it would be over once he had that one night. But somewhere down the line he managed to deceive himself too, because it wasn’t.

He lifted his face, letting the water stream over it, his lying face, not able to soothe the pain. He turned down the water and let his head rest at the cool tiles. That’s when he heard the phone rang. Like he heard it perhaps a hundred times today.

Turning the water back on, hoping to wash the guilt away. Again.