I was working on writing my first VigBean for last 4 days. It was my first try to create a story. When I decided to write this, I attempted to do it in Japanese but it didn't work at all. Then I tried writing some lines in English, and I don't know why, but it seemed to work much better. Thus this VigBean fanfic has come up. I'm afraid some lines would sound unnatural as English, and some of them wouldn't make sense for my poor English skill. I’m immature in storytelling, but I enjoyed writing it. I'm happy if you would like my VigBean story.
Title: A Love Kind of Immortal
Pairing: Viggo / Sean
Rating: G
Archiving: Rugbytackling
Author: ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
nanathecat
Summary: Sean regrets for breaking up with Viggo.
Disclaimer: All happened in my mind.
Note: English is not my mother tongue but I tried my best. I hope you would like it. Hugs and kisses for bittercaramel who egged me on to finish up this drabble, and Ayui who encouraged me to post it on LJ.
****CAUTION****
This is a RPS. Don't go further if you don't like it.
A Love Kind of Immortal
It was easy for Sean to find Viggo wherever he was. No matter in the crowd or on the street, he had no need to look around to pick out his figure. If there was Viggo, Sean’s eyes magnetically reached him before he tried to search where he was. Yes, just like now.
At the entrance space of the off-peak tea room in the hotel, Sean’s eyes were automatically magnetized by his lover’s – well, ex-lover’s – chiseled profile first, then his strawberry blond and clean limbs sitting at the white table. In the compartmented small space, leaning back in his chair Viggo dropped his eyes on a booklet and seemed to be relaxed and concentrate on reading it. Such his appearance was very familiar to Sean, or should be said it had used to be familiar? For more than one year he hadn’t seen Viggo in such close distance. They were there this side and far side across the tables and people, but at least they were sharing the same air and space of the large quiet tea room in the Monday afternoon.
Viggo – Sean murmured his name without voice, then suddenly a sense of love and familiarity struck him and he felt like turning back out of the room. I shouldn’t have come here – shit, how come I thought I could see him? But he couldn’t move his gaze from Viggo as if it was glued on his face, or couldn’t move his feet as if they were rooted on the floor. Leave, Sean, fucking ass you must leave now! Instead before he made himself move Viggo faced up to have coffee and noticed who was there standing at the entrance space.
Turning his face toward Sean, Viggo opened his eyes for surprising and froze for a second. Sean could read Viggo’s mouth weakly shaped his name – Sean… Sean felt his face stiffen up. But in the next moment, Viggo showed calmly and intimate smile to his old friend. Sean took his breath and made a snap to walk toward him.
When he got reached Viggo across the table, he gestured him to take a seat. Following his suggestion but not knowing what to do, Sean settled himself at the table opposite Viggo. Now it was much closer – but he couldn’t see Viggo’s face this time. Staring at his own hands on the table, Sean swore at himself in his head for feeling his face getting harder as he felt Viggo’s pale blue eyes on his face. Say something, greet him and smile to him, and say something! He tried to set up himself but his poor brain seemed to abandon its work: all he could do was just letting out some rugged breath for his words. Then a soft, gentle voice snapped his face up to meet Viggo’s eyes.
“Hi, it’s been a while.”
Viggo’s eyes were soft, and his velvet voice got into Sean to fill his inside and sunk down into his body and blood. That made him shiver and he somehow uttered his first short voice.
“Hi,”
– Fucking idiot greets! Sean licked his lips and rushed to continue the following words, hoping to say something much better statements, but the words came out through his mouth was as dull as the former one.
“Well, yes, it has,”
Sean found his voice was very dried and hoarse. He didn’t feel like speaking any longer for shame, but he felt he should say something another few words. So again licking his lips, almost without thinking he added.
“It’s after one year and three months.”
Viggo raised his one eyebrow to show his agreement. Sean felt his face blushed. Fucking, it’s far from smart, I shouldn’t say that. He wanted to away. But running away and then? This was the very situation he had to face with to get back his life again. Even if it seemed to be much harder than he’d imagined, this was what he had to deal with today. But he didn’t know how to go off the thing. He saw Viggo was waiting for his following words. He cleared his throat and opened his mouth.
“I… I didn’t mean to bother your reading.” Sean said quietly as far as he could.
“No, you never bothered me.” Viggo smiled.
“Did I? That’s good.”
Sean wanted to carry the conversation further, but the more he tried to say something, the more he lost what he should say. He wasn’t sure even he succeeded in making smile. Soon Viggo read his hesitant attitude and took the lead of their small chat.
“I was reading a script of the next installment,” Viggo showed his thin booklet to Sean. “But I just wanted to have a break.”
“Are you coming back to acting?” Sean was excited. “That’s good news. You were off from filming for about one year...” His utterance was faded in the ending. He knew – or he thought he knew – why Viggo had to leave acting. He attempted to put up a front, but his honest face clearly told what he was thinking about, and it gave Viggo pause to realize who he was now talking with face to face.
“Well, I think it’s time to challenge something new,” Viggo said as if it was nothing special, but trying to remove Sean’s uneasy. “And indeed it’s a quite good offer.”
When did you get that offer? What film is that? Who are you working with? Questions came up to Sean but he could ask Viggo none of them. Instead of that he managed to smile and said, “I wish you good luck.”
“Thanks.” Viggo smiled back to Sean for his encouraging words.
Seeing Viggo’s moderate smile, Sean was depressed by the truth that Viggo didn’t tell him about his new project before he made a decision. But on the other hand he knew it was a very well deserved. They hadn’t kept in touch with each other for past six months at all. No phone calls or no greeting cards. And it was Sean who had cut off their intimate relationship.
“Well,” Viggo’s another voice brought Sean back from his short musing. “Are you in LA for business?”
Not knowing how he should answer properly, Sean blankly blinked at Viggo for a moment. Is this a leading question, or meaningless diplomatic remarks? He tried to read Viggo’s face, but he couldn’t find any flare of emotions on his face. Only what he saw was his charming wicked smile.
“What a coincidence to see here in this place! Do you stay here?” Viggo said deepening his smile. He simply looked glad this sudden meeting up.
“No, I don’t stay here.” Sean said shortly.
“For a fucking interview?” Viggo asked.
“No, not for an interview.” Sean shook his head.
“Well, then, for a meeting? Or for dating? Mmm, it’s much more likely.” Viggo looked into Sean’s eyes mischievously. Sean took his breath, and knew he couldn’t stand putting things off any longer.
“No, Viggo, not for a meeting or dating,” locking his eyes with Viggo’s, Sean gathered all his courage and said, “I came here to see you, to talk with you.”
Viggo’s face was frozen. His lively mood was disappeared and his wide opened blue eyes forgot to blink. Sean could see his pupils widen and shrank. Now it was Viggo’s turn to take his breath. Sean felt as if this moment would last eternity, but the tense silence between them was broken by a sharp-intake-of breath sound Viggo made.
Releasing a long and deep breath, Viggo closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair, and pressed his fingers between his brows. Sean stared his shoulders rising and falling as he breathed in deeply and slowly. Viggo obviously got a shock from his sudden confession. Sean was sorry about that but he didn’t want to back down what he said. So he waited for Viggo to get calm down, and opened his mouth to further this conversation.
“Viggo, I’m here for…,” Sean paused and licked his lips to figure out how to deliver himself. Viggo still closed his eyes, but he seemed to listen to him. At least there was no refusal tone, Sean felt.
“Well, I was not… ah… I mean I want we are going to…,” He attempted to clear himself, but yet he didn’t know how to carry it. Then Viggo opened his eyes and looked at Sean.
“You said you came here to see me. But what for, I don’t know.” Viggo swore quietly, fixing his calm blue eyes on Sean’s green eyes. Now an awkward mood settled over them. His blue eyes had used to make Sean settle down, but now it just made him uneasy. But they had unchanged some kinds of magical power that helped Sean to translate his vague images into accurate words. Without taking his eyes off Viggo’s, Sean breathed deeply and finally could confess what he should say.
“I’ve deeply regretted for breaking up with you.”
Viggo caught his breath in his throat, and let out a heavy sigh. He dropped his face down to the table for a short while, and when he lifted it his lips were compressed tightly and there was no little confusion on his eyes.
“What fucking hell are you saying?” Giving a questioning gaze at Sean, Viggo uttered flatly. Sean almost cringed at his words but somehow held on himself.
“I’m talking about our split relationship. I want us to make it up.” Said firmly, Sean inwardly thanked to God for him being able to do so.
“I don’t understand what you mean.” Viggo lowered his voice, half for anger and half for confusion. His cheeks were flushed and stiffen up.
Sean felt a sense of tension between them. He knew his statement was a quite absurd claim for Viggo, because it was Sean to ruin their love. It was Sean to refuse Viggo’s noble friendship offered even after their separation. Sean was conscious of having hurt him badly, and he didn’t want to hurt him any further. He was afraid what he was going to do now would hurt Viggo again. But how much it sounded selfish, he needed to do this to get back Viggo in his hands, if there was a piece of possibilities slightly left. Is there left? I don’t know. But I can’t give up without doing anything. Sean swallowed down a lump in his throat and opened his mouth.
“We shouldn’t let our love go,”
“Not we, but you.”
Sean’s words were interrupted by Viggo’s hard voice. His eyes fleetingly pierced into Sean’s.
“…Yes, that’s true.” Sean admitted. Indeed it was true. Almost fifteen months ago Sean had a love affair with a young model girl of strawberry blond hair and pale blue eyes, while Viggo was visiting UK to stay with Sean. She was Cathy – or Keira, could be Carol? No matter who she was, he didn’t remember her name or face because she was just a pickup girlfriend to let Viggo watch them making it. Instead of saying sorry, Sean gave Viggo unfaithful words; I prefer women. Then what happened? Viggo left him. As Sean meant to. At that time that seemed like right thing, but taking the following months Sean had learned his decision was completely wrong. He shouldn’t let him go.
“Viggo, listen to me, please.” Sean begged. Viggo replied neither Yes nor No but Sean read his face and knew he accepted his selfish request.
“When we broken up in London,” Sean said and watched Viggo to see his feeling. He was looking at Sean very quietly. Sean continued.
“I was… ah… tired out with our secret relationship.” Viggo’s face wore a slight frown and Sean rushed to following words.
“But it didn’t mean I wasn’t in love with you. You won’t believe me, but I was in love with you, even on the day of my betrayal.” Sean heard Viggo let out a short gasp, but his face said he was half in doubt. Sean kept speaking.
“I just couldn’t stand with the situation we faced. Our relationship hidden even to our families was nothing but the extreme stress to me.” Wincing his face Sean continued, “The more I loved you the more stress piled up and I felt as if I would choke. And I couldn’t believe that was our right way of being.” Sean paused and asked Viggo.
“Hadn’t you felt like that?”
“I felt stress too – but no, I didn’t felt it as you did.” Showing distrust and pathetic emotion on his face, Viggo slightly shook his head.
“Aye… you are always good at releasing them, I know,” Sean weakly smiled and got back to the confession.
“Well, then, I thought I should leave you. I thought we should finish our… illness-like relationship to put everything into the right place. The right place for you and I. But…,” Sean paused and sighed. It was not easy to confess what he had done to Viggo. But prompted by Viggo’s eye contact, Sean swallowed a lump in his throat and carried on.
“But it was difficult for me to leave you, because I was strongly enthralled by you. So, I made that filthy plan, and… and it worked well. You’ve left me.”
Sean closed his eyes. He couldn’t see Viggo. Once it was uttered it sounded terrible more than twice as much as it had been just in his head. And he came here to beg his love. Very selfish and very unfaithful. Sean wanted to hide his face, objectively there seemed to be no excuse for his egoistical behaviour. But Viggo’s voice had him face with the reality.
“Yes, I left you… but what could I do anything else?” Viggo murmured. His voice didn’t lose its strength but was cracked and husky.
“Nothing. Because I made you take that choice.” Sean showed tortured face. “I’m sorry for hurting you. I used a dirty trick on you and hurt you unnecessarily. I shouldn’t do that evil thing on you. I apologize from my heart. I’m so sorry.”
Instead of his forgiveness what Sean got was Viggo’s hopeless sigh. Sean felt shame at himself.
“And then could you enjoy your freedom?” Viggo asked, trying to put an ironic nuance, but his voice tone betrayed his intension.
“No!” Sean quickly answered – might be too quick. Viggo raised his eyebrows. Flushing a bit Sean continued.
“Everything seemed to be all right in the first two or three months. I had no secret, went with women, and that was good, but… soon I found I couldn’t get into being with them. You know why?” Viggo shrugged. Sean sneered at himself and confessed,
“Because they were not you, Viggo. Even after broken up you’d lived in my mind and never got out. As time grew your presence got strengthen inside of mine.” Sean smiled weakly at Viggo. This time he didn’t take his eyes off form Viggo’s, because it was his truth. Viggo looked disturbed to hear about his confession. Sean could see a huge confusion in his eyes but couldn’t find what it meant. When Sean tried to speak other following words, Viggo hesitantly opened his mouth.
“After we got split up,” he moaned in a small voice, “The following few months we kept in touch, as a friend, but… later by later on you seemed to feel like avoiding me.” His voice was a bit shaking and it reflected his tweak. There was almost a tone of pain and Sean knew his one-sided abandon had hurt Viggo much further and deeper than he’d thought. Sean hated himself for his egoistic folly.
“Yes, you’re right,” said shortly, Sean dropped his eyes on his hands on the table. It was another sore fault, but he had to face with what he had done. He lifted his eyes back at Viggo’s blue lake eyes. .
“I was just foolish,” Sean made words, “I was afraid of myself being back to you. I wanted to make you my past, but… I couldn’t.” He saw Viggo’s eyes were swinging for doubt and distrust. He continued.
“Whenever I heard from you, I couldn’t stop myself clinging to you stronger than stronger. So I’ve quit writing or calling you. That’s the reason for my absent from you for past last six months.”
Sean felt Viggo debated whether to believe his excuse. If I was Viggo, he assumed, would I believe it? Sean sneered at himself. Easy question – definitively, No. But he had to go on.
“I only once visited you last year.” Sean revealed.
”What?” Viggo snapped his eyes up. “But when?”
“Mid of September. I had business in NY so I dropped on LA.”
“I didn’t know that,” Viggo bent his brows.
“No, you didn’t. I didn’t knock at your door. I even didn’t know you were home. I stayed the town for two hours then flew back to London.” Sean said.
Viggo leaned back in his chair and put his fingers on his chin. His eyebrows were frown and eyes stared somewhere else on the table. He tried to recall where he was around that time. But before long he gave up to checking his messy old schedule book in his head. And he noticed Sean was staring at his face.
“You should have seen me.” Viggo said and it sounded like a complaint.
“I know.” Sean said, “So I didn’t lose the second chance: I’m being here.” Sean’s face was deadly serious. His voice was too. Viggo slightly blushed.
“Viggo,” calling his name, Sean for the first time reached his hand onto Viggo’s across the table. Viggo reflexively pulling it back but the direct warmth of Sean’s hand let Viggo stay his hand there. It was the touch after an interval of one year and three months. Viggo’s jaw muscles tightened up and Sean knew he clenched his teeth. He felt Viggo’s strain under his hand. Viggo’s appearance looked like both ways of being with expectation and being afraid of what would happen from now.
“I finally realized what the right thing is to me,” Sean held Viggo’s hand and looked into his eyes. Sean tried to put his love into the words and furthered.
“I can’t live without you. Could you please forgive me and let me be with you again? I love you. It’s my truth.” Sean’s eyes were serious and his face was almost hard for tension. Viggo caught his breath in his throat. With half opened mouth he stared at Sean blankly. Sean enhanced his hold prayerfully.
Viggo came back himself by the sounds of his own breath releasing. He blinked several times and then remembered to speak.
“I’m just…surprised,” he said, “And confused a lot.” Sean nodded. Viggo tried to put his thought into words, but he didn’t know what to say. So he honestly said,
“Well, I don’t know what to say.”
“Do you hate me?” Sean anxiously asked.
“No, Sean, never.” Viggo answered. Sean relieved to hear that, but there was a thing he had to get answer from Viggo. He gathered all his encourage and made words.
“Viggo, would you …?” His voice was shaking for fear.
Shaking his head, Viggo put his another hand onto Sean’s hand placed on Viggo’s. Sean got uptight.
“Sean,” Viggo called his name gently.
“To confess, I’ve had no anger toward you. I’m a kind of person can’t keep his anger long. You made me recall the anguish I would have, but it all belongs to my past. So, I already forgave you in time long past.” Sean gave a sigh of relief.
“But saying about our making up,” Viggo paused hesitatingly. Sean felt his face stiffen up.
“Viggo, I’m… ”
“Sean.”
Sean tried to say something but it was cut short by Viggo’s firm voice. Sean closed his mouth. Viggo once shut his eyes and released a long deep breath, then locked his eyes with Sean’s.
“When you left me, I lost my love.” He said as he talked to a child. Sean felt the blood drained out of his face.
“You don’t love me any longer? No chance I have?” Sean gasped. Having a bemused expression on his face, Viggo answered.
“I love you, Sean. I’m in love with no one since you left me. But my love I once shared with you is not alive as it was. And any chance?” Viggo paused for a moment reflection, and continued.
“I don’t know. But I know that I don’t want to lose even my friend.”
Viggo’s voice was soft and gentl at time like this. Sean tried to understand what he said but he couldn’t. Am I losing him again? Viggo looked into Sean with anxious look. Sean was not OK at all, but by eye contact he let Viggo carry on speaking. Viggo glanced up at Sean’s pale face.
“I’m still your friend, am I not?” Hesitantly Viggo asked.
“Yes – Viggo, yes, you are always my friend.” Sean nodded firmly. He felt his eyes got watery.
“I’m glad to hear that.” Viggo softened his eyes and showed his velvet smile, and he stroked Sean’s hand to soothe his feeling. But this let Sean heighten his longing for Viggo. There was no way he could give up Viggo and his love. Because even at this moment he could see some kinds of calm and warm passion, might be called the glance of love, into Viggo’s gentle eyes toward Sean.
“But Viggo – I love you.” Sean wrapped and grasped Viggo’s hands together with both of his hands. He earnestly fixed his watery green eyes on Viggo’s and swore with his breathy voice.
“You are my friend, that true, but I love you. I can’t see you as just one of my friends.” Sean raised their hands upwards with his elbows on the table, and pressed Viggo’s hands against his brow and closed his eyes. Drops of tears rolled down his cheeks and wet the table. He confessed breathy.
“None of others I can love as I’ve ever loved you. I took time to realize that, but it’s my truth, Vig, I love you.”
Sean’s confession was heartbroken and it made Viggo’s heart ache too. Viggo wanted to help and rescue him from his suffering. But what could he do? He couldn’t give himself to Sean to solace him. That was a stupid idea. Letting his hands give Sean, Viggo gently talked to him.
“Sean,” Viggo’s voice had Sean face up. His green eyes were now full with pain and his pain reached down deep inside of Viggo. Viggo caught Sean’s eyes firmly.
“We are over. Our love was lost when you let it go,” said Viggo. “I took time to deal with that, but our romance was ended.” Sean shook his head weakly, but Viggo furthered his words.
“I love you as a friend, Sean. Our days were past and I thought I lost you with them. But you come back to me, as the dearest friend of mine.”
Sean couldn’t understand what Viggo meant. Viggo said he had no anger toward him. He also said he loved him. But cannot be his lover? Why? Only he knew was he couldn’t get Viggo back. The reality struck him. I’ve lost him. No. it’s me to let go of him. Sean felt new tears welling up in his eyes.
“Much has changed and I’m always too late,” sobbingly Sean weakly murmured. “I always don’t realize what I have until it’s gone.”
“No, Sean. Nothing has changed.” Viggo took his hands back from Sean’s hands and wrapped his wet beautiful face gently. He stroked his smooth skin and run his hand through his soft hair. “We are no longer lovers, but that our love lives eternity in our memories, and we are sharing the love as a friend,” Viggo smiled. “A love kind of immortal, would last as long as our friendship last. Our love is always within us.”
“Yes, Viggo, yesss… you are right…” Sean closed his eyes and letting his tears flew down. Nodding to Viggo’s words Sean reflected on what he had lost this time. – Much has changed and I’m always too late.
End
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rugbytackle
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no subject
Date: 2006-02-15 02:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-15 05:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-15 04:31 pm (UTC)This fic of yours is very lovely . . . totally angsty, and I enjoyed it very much.
I agree with
Very nice fic all the emotions came through wonderfully. Thank you. :)~
no subject
Date: 2006-02-15 06:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-16 12:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-16 05:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-15 06:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-15 06:33 pm (UTC)Hehe I like poor Sean. Poor Sean is much much yummier than poor Viggo. *G*
Hello
Date: 2006-02-16 03:57 am (UTC)Re: Hello
Date: 2006-02-16 05:29 am (UTC)Love is a thing no one can control, but I also wish Viggo would have given another chance to Sean and himself.